Disappearing from someone’s life in hopes that they will miss you and come back is a strategy that some people use when relationships become difficult or stagnant. The thinking is that absence makes the heart grow fonder, so pulling away may trigger longing and desire in your partner. However, disappearing is risky and can backfire if not done carefully. There are more constructive ways to create space in a relationship and elicit positive change.
The Psychology Behind Disappearing
The desire to disappear from a partner’s life usually stems from feeling neglected, unappreciated, or taken for granted. When one person pulls away, the other person may realize what they stand to lose. This shock can motivate them to fight for the relationship and make their partner a priority again. Some key psychological drivers include:
- Reawakening attraction – Absence can renew excitement and reignite magnetic energy between two people when they reconnect.
- Inducing nostalgia – People often idealize the past. Disappearing makes a partner remember the good times fondly.
- Creating curiosity – Disappearing sparks questions like “Where did they go?” and “What are they up to?”. Curiosity reopens closed doors.
- Inspiring reflection – Space provides perspective. People examine what went wrong and their role in problems.
- Causing jealousy – Disappearing can make people jealous imagining you with someone else. Jealousy can motivate action.
So in theory, disappearing can shake things up and lead your partner to invest more in saving the relationship. But it depends on many factors.
When Disappearing May Work
Disappearing is most likely to have a positive effect under certain conditions:
- The relationship has strong underlying bonds but has grown stale or distant.
- Communication has broken down despite repeated attempts to address issues.
- One partner feels taken for granted but the other is unaware.
- The partner being disappeared on is securely attached in relationships.
- Disappearing is used as a wake up call rather than a form of retaliation or punishment.
- The disappearance is temporary – a few days to a few weeks.
Essentially, disappearing can work if it provides space to gain perspective in a relationship where both people care deeply but have hit an impasse despite efforts to communicate. A short absence may motivate the partner to be more thoughtful about nurturing the connection.
When Disappearing May Backfire
Disappearing can also spectacularly backfire and irreparably damage a relationship when:
- There is no strong foundation of trust, friendship, and positive regard.
- One partner is not invested in or committed to the relationship.
- The partner being disappeared on has an avoidant attachment style.
- Disappearing is perceived as retaliation or an attempt to punish.
- The disappearance is indefinite or prolonged.
- Communication was already wide open yet issues remained unresolved.
Without mutual care, respect, commitment, and secure attachment styles, disappearing is more likely to reinforce distance than inspire closeness. The partner being disappeared on may view it as hostile manipulation or take it as a cue to move on.
Healthier Alternatives
Because disappearing can backfire and breed resentment, healthier options include:
- Communicating clearly – State needs and concerns directly but compassionately. Listen and compromise.
- Seeking counseling – Get help opening lines of communication and addressing underlying issues.
- Agreeing on space – Mutually agree to some time apart while staying in touch.
- Focusing on self-care – Direct energy into your own growth and fulfillment versus trying to elicit reactions.
- Assessing if you should leave – If the relationship is abusive or chronically unfulfilling, exiting may be healthiest.
The motivation to disappear is understandable but not necessarily constructive. With mutual care and compromise, relationships can often be repaired more effectively.
How to Disappear Safely If You Must
If you determine disappearing is the only way to gain perspective and shake up unhealthy relationship patterns, here are some tips:
- Provide closure rather than ghosting. Explain you need space without blaming.
- Give a timeframe if possible, such as needing a few weeks.
- Stop direct contact but remain friendly if you cross paths publicly.
- Avoid passive aggression or actions meant to make your partner jealous.
- Use the space for self-growth: pursue hobbies, connect with friends, get counseling.
- Set a date to check in and reconnect if desired.
The less antagonistic the disappearance, the more likely communication can restart from a healthier place.
Let’s Summarize
Here are the key points:
- Disappearing in hopes of being missed can backfire if the relationship lacks mutual care and commitment.
- Short disappearances are less likely to permanently damage the relationship than indefinite or hostile ones.
- Clear communication, agreed upon space, and self-improvement are healthier initial options.
- If disappearing, provide closure, give a timeframe if able, and focus on your own growth.
- Approach reconnection with openness to improve the relationship dynamics.
Rather than disappearing, exhaust communication efforts, seek counseling, or even end unhealthy relationships respectfully. With mutual care and secure attachment, a short disappearance done thoughtfully may renew appreciation if needed. The risks and alternatives must be weighed carefully first.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does no contact work to get an ex back?
No contact can work to get an ex back if the core connection was healthy but logistical issues, poor communication, or stagnation led to the breakup. Going no contact for a few weeks to a few months gives both people space for perspective and can rekindle attraction. However, no contact rarely works if the relationship was abusive, chronically unfulfilling, or one person was not invested.
Does giving him space make him come back?
Giving a man space can make him come back if he is feeling smothered in the relationship but still cares for you deeply. The absence can help him miss you and remember all the reasons he values you. It can also give him the opportunity to gain clarity and perspective. However, giving him space will likely not make him come back if he has lost interest in the relationship.
Will disappearing from social media make my ex miss me?
Quitting social media can potentially make an ex miss you and wonder what you are doing, feeling, and posting. When you disappear from places they are used to having access to you, it reminds them of what they are missing. Limiting social media contact can also help you move forward. Just don’t use it as a passive aggressive tactic to make them jealous while secretly staying active.
Will changing my number make him want me back?
Changing your number can certainly get an ex’s attention, especially if you’ve had a lot of contact. When the channels they are used to using to reach you are suddenly cut off, it signals you want distance. This shock may cause them to think about losing you forever and pursue you again. But changing your number can also backfire by escalating tension and making positive reconnection more difficult.
How long should I disappear to make him miss me?
As a general rule, disappearing for about 3-6 weeks can spark positive longing and curiosity in an ex or disconnected partner. Disappearing for just a few days may not be long enough for them to fully experience your absence. Disappearing for months at a time risks breeding resentment and allowing too much distance to build. Start with a month of no contact and reevaluate based on his response when you reconnect.
In Conclusion
Disappearing from a partner’s life in hopes of being missed and rekindling attraction is a gamble. Without mutual care, commitment, and secure attachment, it is unlikely to inspire the intended effect. Clear communication, counseling, an agreed upon break, or ending unhealthy relationships respectfully are often better initial options. However, when done thoughtfully and temporarily, disappearing can renew appreciation between partners in stagnant but caring relationships. Weigh the risks carefully and focus on your own growth during any time apart.