Controlling behavior refers to attempts to exert power over another person by limiting their behavior and controlling their decisions. This often stems from underlying emotional issues like insecurity, low self-esteem, trust issues or the need to feel in control. Controlling behavior can range from subtle manipulation to more overt demands and emotional abuse. While the underlying causes may vary, controlling behavior ultimately stems from an unhealthy desire for power and control in a relationship.
Common Signs of a Controlling Person
There are several common signs that may indicate someone is exhibiting controlling behavior:
- Isolating their partner from friends and family
- Demanding to know where their partner is at all times
- Discouraging outside activities and hobbies
- Monitoring phone calls, texts, social media or emails
- Making major decisions without input
- Criticizing their partner’s appearance
- Using threats or emotional manipulation to get their way
- Dictating financial decisions
- Quickly growing angry if questioned or challenged
The more signs that are present, the more likely it is that someone is exhibiting unhealthy, controlling behavior patterns. Even a few of these signs indicate a lack of trust, respect and equality in the relationship.
Why Do People Become Controlling?
There are several underlying emotional issues that commonly lead to controlling behaviors:
Insecurity
People who are very insecure often deal with fears of abandonment, betrayal or their partner leaving them. They may try to control their partner’s behavior as a way to prevent these perceived threats. Controlling helps them feel more secure.
Trust Issues
Individuals who have been betrayed or hurt in the past may have trouble trusting partners. They resort to control to protect themselves and prevent further hurt. Monitoring a partner’s activities can provide a false sense of safety for people with trust issues.
Need for Power
Controlling people have a strong need to be in charge and wield power over others. Exerting control makes them feel important, superior and boosts their self-esteem. They control their partner to satisfy this need for power.
Low Self-Esteem
Sometimes those with low self-worth try to control a partner’s behavior because they feel they aren’t good enough otherwise. If they can dictate what someone else does, it helps compensate for their own insecurities and lack of confidence.
Change Resistance
Some controlling people fear change and try to control their partner to maintain the status quo. Even small changes can seem threatening, so they use manipulative tactics to prevent their partner and relationship from changing.
Effects of Being Controlled
The effects of being in a controlling relationship can be very damaging and traumatic over time. Victims of control often experience:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Low self-esteem
- Social isolation
- Loss of identity
- PTSD symptoms
- Feeling powerless
- Loss of autonomy
- Resentment
- Loss of trust
- Substance abuse
- Financial dependence
The longer someone experiences controlling behaviors, the more severe these effects typically become. Many victims describe feeling like they are “walking on eggshells” around the controlling person.
Is it Possible to Change Controlling Behavior?
It can be very difficult for chronically controlling people to change their behavior, especially if they refuse to acknowledge there is a problem. However, change is possible in some cases if the person has sufficient self-awareness and willingness to address their deeper issues. This typically requires therapy.
With professional help, controlling individuals can:
- Gain insight into the root causes of their behavior
- Learn to manage insecurities, jealousy, trust issues etc.
- Develop skills for healthy communication and conflict resolution
- Identify and change irrational thoughts that lead to controlling responses
- Learn to respect boundaries and share power equitably in relationships
However, the controlling person has to perceive their behavior as problematic and have an intrinsic desire to change. Without self-awareness and motivation, they are unlikely to change long-term patterns.
How to Cope with a Controlling Person
Coping with a controlling partner, family member or friend is extremely challenging. Here are some tips that may help:
- Set clear boundaries and maintain them
- Avoid placating or making excuses for their behavior
- Request concrete changes in specific behaviors
- Seek support from trusted friends and family
- Communicate that their behavior is unacceptable
- Suggest counseling if appropriate
- Make self-care a priority
- Focus on your own needs, values and goals
- Increase financial and social independence
In some cases, reducing contact or leaving the relationship may be necessary. Leaving an abusive, controlling relationship can be extremely difficult but help is available. Talk to someone you trust or contact a domestic abuse hotline if you need guidance and support.
When to Get Help for Controlling Behavior
It’s important to seek outside support if you notice these signs:
- You feel fearful, intimidated or threatened
- Your physical safety is at risk
- The behavior escalates over time
- Your mental health is suffering
- You have trouble recognizing your own needs and feelings
- Self-esteem is plummeting
- You feel isolated from others
- Depression, anxiety or PTSD symptoms emerge
- You make excuses for their behavior
- You feel like you’re “walking on eggshells”
- Your partner dismisses your concerns
Seek counseling, contact authorities if needed or reach out to domestic violence resources in your area. You deserve healthy relationships free of manipulation, threats and fear.
Protecting Your Rights and Autonomy
To reduce a controlling person’s power over you, it’s essential to assert your rights and autonomy. Important ways to do this include:
- Making your own choices about activities, clothing, appearance etc.
- Spending time with friends and family when you choose
- Refusing unreasonable demands or threats
- Letting the controlling person know their behavior is unacceptable
- Following through with meaningful consequences
- Increasing financial independence
- Trusting your own instincts and needs
- Leaving if necessary for safety and well-being
You have the right to set boundaries, say no and put your needs first. Small steps to assert independence can eventually help regain control over your life.
Conclusion
Controlling behavior stems from emotional issues like insecurity, the need for power and distrust of others. It can have serious consequences for victims. While changing controlling habits is difficult, it is possible in some cases with self-awareness, therapy and a desire to change. Victims should assert their rights, get support and prioritize their needs. With help, it is possible to regain autonomy and establish healthy boundaries in relationships.