It’s common for toddlers between the ages of 18 months to 3 years old to strongly prefer one parent over the other. This phenomenon is known as “toddler parent rejection” and can be confusing and stressful for parents. Here are some quick answers about why toddler parent rejection happens and tips for coping with it:
Why Toddlers Favor One Parent
There are several reasons why toddlers often reject or attach to only one parent during this stage of development:
- Separation anxiety and stranger wariness – Around age 18 months, toddlers start suffering from separation anxiety and become warier of strangers. They act clingy toward their preferred parent.
- Developing independence – Toddlers are starting to assert their independence. By choosing one parent over the other, they feel a sense of control.
- Different parenting styles – The preferred parent likely has an easiergoing and more permissive parenting style compared to the rejected parent.
- Preference for primary caregiver – Often toddlers choose whoever cares for them the most, like a stay-at-home parent or nanny.
- Gender identification – Toddlers will sometimes pick the parent of the same gender as their preferred attachment figure.
Why Toddlers Reject the Non-Preferred Parent
When toddlers reject one parent in favor of another, they tend to display certain behaviors toward the non-preferred parent:
- Acting irritable, weepy, or inconsolable around the rejected parent
- Seeking comfort only from the preferred parent
- Resisting being held by or making eye contact with the rejected parent
- Squirming to get down when the rejected parent holds them
- Crying or throwing a tantrum when the preferred parent leaves
This behavior happens because the toddler sees the preferred parent as their sense of security. They rely on that parent for comfort and familiarity.
How Rejected Parents Should React
It’s understandable for the rejected parent to feel hurt by their toddler’s behavior. However, it’s important not to take it personally. Here are tips for coping:
- Don’t withdraw – Continue engaging with your child and offering comfort.
- Give it time – The phase is temporary. Your child’s preferences will shift back and forth.
- Be patient – Stay calm when your child rejects you. Don’t force interactions.
- Offer a united front – Work with your partner to reinforce limits/rules.
- Use a comforting item – If your child has a favorite toy or blanket, offer it when they are upset.
- Try again later – If they reject you, step away briefly and come back when they’ve calmed down.
When to Be Concerned About Parent Rejection
Though normal, extreme or prolonged toddler rejection of one parent can signify other issues. Be concerned if your toddler:
- Refuses to interact with the parent at all for weeks/months
- Gets extremely distressed in the parent’s presence for no reason
- Seems generally troubled, anxious, or withdrawn
- Rejects a parent they were securely attached to up until this point
These behaviors warrant discussing your concerns with your pediatrician. Prolonged severe parent rejection can negatively impact child development.
How Rejection Impacts Child Development
Mild toddler parent rejection that eventually resolves is normal. But prolonged, severe rejection can negatively impact a child’s development in several ways:
- Insecure attachment – Not forming secure attachments with both parents can lead to relationship issues later on.
- Poor coping skills – Toddlers need to learn to find comfort in both parents, not just one.
- Behavioral issues – Severely rejecting one parent can promote defiance, oppositional behavior, anxiety.
- Distressed non-preferred parent – A parent constantly rejected feels equally distressed and withdrawn.
That’s why it’s important parents address severe parent rejection and not just dismiss it as a phase. Talk to your pediatrician if you are very concerned.
When Parent Rejection Normally Resolves
Here’s a look at when parent rejection typically resolves if no underlying issues are present:
| Age | Typical behaviors |
|---|---|
| 18-24 months | Forms intense attachment to one parent, rejects the other |
| 2-3 years | Preferences fluctuate, favors each parent at different times |
| 3-4 years | Securely attached to both parents again |
As you can see, the period of rejecting one parent typically lasts less than a year. Toddler’s preferences naturally shift as they enter the preschool years.
Tips for Dealing with Parent Rejection
To help you get through this challenging developmental phase, here are some proactive tips:
1. Maintain routines
Keep your toddler’s schedule consistent. Regular naptimes, meals, playtimes, etc. provide security. Stick to their routine with both parents.
2. Spend special one-on-one time
Plan activities where your toddler has alone time to bond with each parent. Reading, playing, bath time can help build connections.
3. Praise good behavior
If your toddler allows the rejected parent to interact with or comfort them, offer lots of praise. This reinforces positive behaviors.
4. Communicate a united front
Ensure parents stick to the same limits and rules. Mixed messages from Mom and Dad can encourage playing favorites.
5. Give attention when requested
When your toddler seeks you for comfort, always respond promptly. This builds trust and attachment.
6. Don’t take it personally
Your child’s rejection doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. Stay calm and don’t withdraw your affection completely.
7. Focus on your partner relationship
Make sure you and your partner maintain a strong relationship as well. Support each other through this process.
Conclusion
Toddler parent rejection is normal, but can be upsetting. Have patience, avoid taking it personally, and offer your toddler love through this phase. If extreme rejection persists beyond several months, or your child seems troubled, talk to your pediatrician. With time and understanding from both parents, toddlers can become securely attached again.