Abusive relationships are complex. Many wonder why people stay with an abusive partner or cannot seem to break the trauma bond they have formed. There are several psychological factors that can make it very difficult for abuse victims to leave their relationships. Understanding why people bond with their abusers can promote more compassion and effective support.
What is trauma bonding?
Trauma bonding, also known as Stockholm syndrome, occurs when abuse victims form a strong emotional attachment to their abuser. This psychological response can develop in abusive relationships, during hostage situations, and in other trauma circumstances like kidnapping or sexual abuse.
Trauma bonding happens due to the power dynamics in the relationship and psychological responses to abuse. The repeated cycles of abuse, mixed with any positive reinforcement or loving behaviors the abuser shows, can condition the victim to bond with their abuser. This creates an unhealthy attachment that makes it very difficult to leave the relationship.
Why does trauma bonding happen?
There are several psychological explanations for why trauma bonding occurs:
Isolation
Abusers often isolate their victims from other sources of support. This makes the victim dependent on the abuser for any companionship or positive feedback. When isolated, the victim may bond more strongly with their abuser, even if the relationship is abusive.
Power imbalances
There is an inherent power imbalance in abusive relationships. The abuser asserts dominance and control over the victim, which can make the victim feel powerless. The victim may try to bond with and please the abuser as a survival instinct.
Intermittent reinforcement
Abusers often blend loving behaviors with abuse. The mix of positive reinforcement and cruelty confuses the victim and creates an addictive attachment, similar to how gambling addicts are drawn back by intermittent wins. The victim holds out hope that the loving behaviors will outweigh the abuse.
Defense mechanisms
To cope with the trauma of abuse, victims may rationalize, deny, or dissociate from the abuse. Extreme bonding with the abuser can be a psychological defense mechanism against the pain.
Biochemical factors
Studies show that trauma bonding may be reinforced by biochemical reactions caused by abuse. The biochemical cortisol, oxytocin, dopamine, and opioids are all implicated in trauma bonding.
Signs of trauma bonding
How can you identify trauma bonding? Here are some typical signs:
– The victim is extremely loyal to the abuser
– They see any kindness from the abuser as proof of love
– They believe they deserve the abuse or it’s their fault
– They isolated themselves at the demand of the abuser
– They rationalize or deny abuse
– They feel they cannot survive without the abuser
– The relationship has extreme highs and lows
– They repeatedly try to leave but always go back
Who is at risk for trauma bonding?
While anyone can experience trauma bonding, some factors make people more susceptible:
– Minors or young adults
– People with a history of trauma or insecure attachments
– People who have low self-esteem or who lack a support system
– Dependent personality types
– People who have grown up witnessing abuse
Effects of trauma bonding
Trauma bonding can have devastating effects for the victim:
Increased risk of harm
Remaining bonded to an abuser puts the victim at an elevated risk of physical and psychological harm from continued abuse.
Loss of identity
Becoming extremely attached to an abuser can cause the victim to lose touch with their own identity, desires, and ability to be independent.
Mental health issues
The psychological impact of abuse and trauma bonding can result in anxiety, depression, PTSD, addiction, suicidal thoughts, and complex trauma disorders.
Damage to future relationships
The unhealthy attachment patterns ingrained during trauma bonding can impair the survivor’s future relationships. They may struggle with trust issues, dependence, or avoiding intimacy.
Breaking trauma bonds
It takes immense courage and support to break trauma bonds with an abuser. Here are some steps that can help:
– Reach out to loving friends and family or a trauma-informed counselor. Breaking isolation is key.
– Join a support group to feel less alone. Talk to others who understand.
– Remove contact with the abuser to start detachment. Avoid seeing, texting, or talking to them.
– Allow yourself to feel emotions and process the trauma with professional help.
– Recognize that withdrawal symptoms are normal, but the attachment you feel is unhealthy.
– Replace thoughts of the abuser with positive life plans. What have you always dreamed of doing?
– Consider pressing charges if relevant and safe to do so. This can provide legal distance from the abuser.
– Be patient and get support. Healing trauma bonds takes time.
How to help someone in an abusive relationship
If someone you care about seems trauma bonded to their abuser, here are some tips:
– Don’t judge. Acknowledge you see they are suffering and want to help.
– Provide a non-judgmental listening ear about the relationship, focusing on their emotions.
– Suggest discussing options with a counselor who understands abusive dynamics. Offer to help them find a counselor.
– Share the National Domestic Violence hotline number: 1−800−799−7233. Talk through a safety plan.
– Offer specific help such as childcare, transportation, or a place to stay to remove barriers to leaving.
– Remind them the abuse is not their fault and they deserve better. Rebuild their sense of self-worth.
– Don’t give up even if they return to their abuser. Keep letting them know you care and they have options.
Preventing trauma bonding
The best way to prevent trauma bonding is raising awareness through education and outreach. Some tips:
– Teach young people about healthy vs abusive relationship patterns.
– Promote trauma-informed training for teachers, counselors, social workers, and health providers.
– Fund support programs that help abuse and trauma victims safely exit relationships before severe attachment occurs.
– Share information through platforms like social media and campaigns to reach at-risk groups.
– Reduce stigma around domestic violence so victims feel comfortable seeking help faster.
– Advocate for laws and policies that protect abuse survivors.
– Finance research on trauma bonding to improve prevention and treatment.
Conclusion
Trauma bonding is a very real result of the power dynamics and painful cycles of abuse. Although extremely difficult, the trauma bond can be broken with compassionate professional help, social support, and understanding why it happens. Increasing awareness and access to support can prevent further harm and empower victims on their journey to healing.