Narcissists are known for playing psychological mind games with the people around them. They use manipulation tactics and cruel emotional abuse to control others and feed their inflated egos. Understanding why narcissists behave this way can help their victims protect themselves and minimize the damage.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterized by an overinflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for constant admiration. Narcissists have an exaggerated sense of skills and abilities, and they are often arrogant and haughty in their behavior. They expect special treatment and have little concern for others’ needs or feelings.
According to the DSM-5 diagnostic manual, there are 9 criteria for NPD, though individuals need only meet 5 of them to qualify for the diagnosis. These criteria include:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance
- A preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, etc.
- A belief they are special and should only associate with other high-status people
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement to special treatment
- A tendency to exploit others for personal gain
- A lack of empathy
- Envy of others or the belief others are envious of them
- Arrogant behaviors and attitudes
Experts estimate around 6% of the population has NPD, which is more common in men than women.
Why Do Narcissists Play Mind Games?
Narcissists play mind games for several key reasons:
1. To Control Others
A primary motivator for the narcissist is controlling people and situations. This helps them create a world where they are always the most important person and their needs are catered to. Mind games are an effective tool to maintain control and power over others.
Some examples of mind games narcissists use for control include:
- Gaslighting – manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity and memory
- Projecting their faults onto the other person
- Triangulation – turning people against each other
- Love bombing then withdrawing affection
- Threats and intimidation
- Belittling and degradation
The narcissist will alternate cruel manipulation with sweet affection to keep their victims off-balance and compliant. The control mind games provide helps them get their needs met regardless of the cost to others.
2. To Boost their Ego
Narcissists have an insatiable need for validation of their inflated self-image. Playing mind games provides narcissistic supply – the attention and admiration they crave. Having power over others makes them feel superior. Manipulation tactics allow them to boost their egos at the expense of others’ dignity.
Some examples of how mind games feed a narcissistic ego include:
- Seeing their victim become emotionally unhinged or distraught
- Getting away with subtle abuse that is difficult to pinpoint
- Provoking jealousy in their romantic partner
- Watching their victims jump through hoops trying to please them
- Listening to flattery or compliments from those they manipulate
The narcissist thrives on the drama they stir up and feeling powerful by keeping others walking on eggshells. Mind games affirm their grandiosity and superiority.
3. Sadistic Enjoyment
Part of the narcissist’s lack of empathy is that they gain enjoyment from inflicting psychological pain and suffering. Causing harm to others gives them a thrill and affirms how unimportant their victims’ needs are.
Examples of the sadistic enjoyment narcissists get from mind games include:
- Making their victims cry
- Sabotaging important events to ruin them
- Spreading gossip and damaging reputations
- Taunting or humiliating victims publicly
- Flaunting new relationships to provoke jealousy
- Reveling in others’ misfortune
The narcissist is抯cruelty and exploitation provide a dopamine rush as they reinforce feelings of power and superiority. There is often a sinister grin underlying the mind games they play.
4. Retaliation
When the narcissist feels threatened by criticism, rejection, or being held accountable for their behavior, they will retaliate to reassert dominance. Mind games provide outlets for revenge with the bonus of sadistic pleasure.
Some examples of retaliatory mind games include:
- stonewalling
- silent treatment
- affairs
- destroying the victim’s reputation
- turning the victim抯 friends and family against them
- stalking and harassment
The narcissist can be extremely vindictive and vengeful when they sense loss of power or control over someone who once provided narcissistic supply. They will stop at nothing to make their victim pay.
Common Mind Games Narcissists Play
Narcissists employ an arsenal of mind games and manipulation tactics to exploit and control others. Some of the most common include:
Love Bombing
Love bombing involves showering the victim with praise, flattery, gifts, and attention early in the relationship. It makes the recipient feel incredibly special and bonded to the narcissist. Once hooked, the narcissist withdraws the affection and starts employing abuse and criticism, which is especially devastating after the initial love bombing.
Gaslighting
This technique leads victims to question their own sanity and memory of events. The narcissist adamantly denies saying or doing something hurtful, and insists the victim is imagining things or exaggerating. Over time, the victim starts doubting their perception of reality.
Idealize, Devalue, Discard
The narcissist puts their victim on a pedestal early on (idealize), then starts criticizing, belittling, and berating them (devalue), before finally discarding them like trash and moving on to someone new. This emotional whiplash keeps the victim in a state of confusion and anxiety.
Triangulation
Triangulation involves bringing another person into the dynamic to make the victim jealous or feel devalued. The third-party could be a rival lover, friend, or family member. Triangulation can also take the form of gossiping or spreading lies to turn others against the victim.
Projection
This happens when the narcissist takes their own flaws and shortcomings and attribute them to their victim. For example, a narcissist who is unfaithful may constantly accuse their partner of cheating. This shifts blame and keeps the victim on the defensive.
Silent Treatment
One of the most painful mind games is when the narcissist gives their victim the cold shoulder and refuses to talk to them, sometimes for days or weeks. This deprives the victim of emotional connection and instills insecurity about the relationship.
Hoovering
After a period of silent treatment or discarding, the narcissist will initiate contact and reel the victim back in with promises of change or lavish declarations of love. This twist causes the victim to once again trust the narcissist’s sincerity, only to be disappointed later.
Boundary Testing
Narcissists continually push the limits to see what they can get away with. They break rules early on to assess how much the victim will tolerate. Once they’ve identified weaknesses, they’ll exploit them through secrecy, betrayal, insults, neglect, etc.
Breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing gives the victim just enough attention and affection to string them along without making any commitments. The crumbs keep hope alive so the narcissist still receives their victims’ emotional investment and narcissistic supply.
Why Narcissists’ Mind Games Work
Narcissists are skilled emotional manipulators, and their mind games are highly effective at controlling people. There are several reasons for this:
- Their charm can make them seem irresistible early in relationships
- Their lies confuse and disorient victims
- Their alternating cruelty and kindness creates trauma bonding
- Victims have low self-esteem or codependency issues
- Victims idealize the narcissist and make excuses for them
- Narcissists often target empaths and highly sensitive people
- Victims are brainwashed into believing they deserve the abuse
- Victims are isolated from friends and family who could point out the abuse
- Narcissists enjoy making others suffer and lack remorse
Victims may not realize they are being manipulated at first. By the time the mind games escalate, the narcissist already has established enough power and control to keep the victim trapped in the web of lies and abuse.
Impact of Narcissistic Mind Games
Being the target of narcissistic mind games can have severe psychological impacts, including:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Low self-esteem
- PTSD
- Constant fear and walking on eggshells
- Confusion, self-doubt
- Feeling like you are going crazy
- Helplessness and despair
- Physical health issues from chronic stress
- Isolation from support systems
Victims often develop C-PTSD due to the prolonged trauma and cruelty of the narcissist抯 mind games. The ability to trust others can become destroyed after being manipulated so badly. Recovery requires intensive therapy and rebuilding self-worth.
How to Outsmart Their Tactics
While anyone can fall prey to a narcissist’s manipulation, the following tips can help protect yourself:
- Learn the red flags of narcissistic behavior
- Trust your instincts – if someone seems too good to be true, they probably are
- Take it slowly in new relationships and watch for inconsistency
- Create strong boundaries and maintain your support system
- See their actions more than their words – narcissists are skillful liars
- Call out their lies directly and don’t allow gaslighting
- Stay grounded in your own reality and perceptions
- Be willing to cut contact with an abusive narcissist
- Get therapy to rebuild confidence and learn coping mechanisms
While you can’t necessarily stop a narcissist from playing games, you can control how much you allow the manipulation tactics to influence you. Growing wiser to how they operate is key.
Why Narcissists Ultimately Lose
Despite the severe anguish narcissists can inflict through their mind games, they ultimately lose in the end. Some reasons for this include:
- Their manipulations only provide temporary ego boosts, while their inner emptiness remains
- People see through their lies and machinations over time
- Their relationships are shallow and unfulfilling
- New victims get wise and abandon them
- They become too old or unattractive to attract new narcissistic supply
- Their abusive behavior often drives away loved ones long term
- They miss out on real intimacy and companionship
- Their exaggerations of accomplishments catch up with them
- They end up alone and bitter later in life
A narcissist may seem to get away with mind games for awhile and charm new victims. But their tactics eventually fail them, and they lose the ability to control. Meanwhile, their victims can regain strength and self-worth. This is the narcissist’s ultimate defeat.
The Bottom Line
Narcissists play mind games to manipulate victims and feed their own egos. Understanding why they behave this way can help avoid falling into their traps. With knowledge of their ploys, strong boundaries, and support, their mind games can be rendered powerless. The narcissist then loses their ability to control others.