It can be extremely hurtful when you find out your friends have been talking about you behind your back. Everyone wants to feel supported by their friends, so discovering they’re gossiping or saying unkind things in private can seriously damage the friendship. Here are some potential reasons friends talk behind your back and what you can do about it.
They Feel Jealous of You
One common reason friends gossip is out of jealousy. Your friends may talk behind your back because they envy something about you – your looks, your lifestyle, your success, your other friendships. Their jealousy causes them to say unflattering things about you that make them feel better about themselves. This stems from their own insecurities.
If you suspect jealousy is behind your friends’ gossiping, take the high road. Avoid gossiping back or withdrawing from the friendship. Instead, have an open conversation and acknowledge their feelings. Reassure them of their own positive qualities. Talking it through may help diffuse the envy.
They Have Insecurities About Themselves
Along the same lines, gossiping about you can point to your friends’ own self-esteem issues. Putting you down may temporarily make insecure friends feel better about themselves. But ultimately, their gossiping is more about their issues than about you.
Try to have compassion for their insecurities. You can gently bring up how the gossip makes you feel in a caring way. Building their confidence in other areas of life may also help stop the negative talk.
You Had a Conflict or Disagreement
Did you recently have an argument or a falling out with your friends? That conflict may have fueled gossip about you, especially if there are still hurt or angry feelings. Venting privately to others can be a way to process the disagreement.
Give it some time for the tensions to diffuse. Then reach out to clear the air and talk through what happened. Keeping communication open will help stop the gossip over whatever caused the disagreement.
You Changed or Drifted Apart
As we grow and change, it’s normal for some friendships to drift apart or weaken over time. Your friends may not understand or like the ways you’ve changed. For example, maybe you started hanging out with a new crowd, changed your style, or got into a serious relationship. Their gossip could stem from feeling left behind or jealous of your new lifestyle.
Make an effort to catch up one-on-one and find common ground again. Explain the changes you’ve been going through and ask about their life too. Finding mutual interests and understanding can help reconnect you.
They Want to Bond with Someone Else
Gossiping can also be a way for your friends to bond with someone new. By trash-talking you with another person, they may hope to deepen that new connection. It can make them feel like they share an “inside joke” at your expense.
If there’s a particular new friend who participates in gossip about you, gently let them know how it makes you feel. Chances are they will be mortified to realize they violated your trust. It’s likely not personal but just an unhealthy way to bond.
You Said Something Hurtful to Them
If you made thoughtless or rude comments to your friends, even unintentionally, that may explain them gossiping about you. Talking negatively behind your back can be a response to feeling hurt. It shouldn’t be condoned, but may come from a place of resentment.
Reflect on whether you said anything that could have offended or angered them. Offering a sincere apology for your words can heal the hurt and stop the gossiping. Explain that you want to patch up the friendship.
They Have Their Own Issues
In some cases, your friends may gossip out of their own personal problems – family issues, mental health struggles, or substance abuse. Venting criticisms about you relieves their inner frustrations. Try not to take it personally.
You can’t force your friends to get help, but you can express concern for their well-being. Urge them to speak to a counselor or join a support group. With the right help, their negative gossiping behavior may improve.
Tips for Handling Gossiping Friends
If you discover your friends are gossiping behind your back, here are some tips for handling it:
Take a step back
Give yourself time and space from the friends who’ve hurt you. Avoid further venting to others. Let the immediate sting subside before deciding how to handle it.
Speak up
Once you’ve cooled down, have an honest talk with the gossiping friends. Calmly tell them you know what was said about you and how it made you feel. Hear them out if they explain their side.
Set boundaries
Make it clear certain language and comments are off-limits. Agree to disagree civilly on certain topics. If they cross boundaries again, reconsider the friendship.
Rise above
As hard as it is, try not to gossip back or be defensive. Instead, take the high road and be kind. Kill the gossip with your own positive behavior.
Put yourself first
Prioritize friends who uplift you and skip the social drama. Surround yourself with positive people who have good intentions.
Forgive
If your friends apologize and agree to stop the gossip, try to forgive them. But only if they earn back your trust. Unhealthy patterns may signal the friendship has run its course.
Signs It May Be Time to End the Friendship
Gossiping and talking negatively behind your back is always hurtful. But in some cases, it may be a sign that the friendship has become too toxic to repair. Consider gently ending the friendship if your friends:
- Frequently gossip about you and others
- Refuse to stop when confronted
- Don’t take responsibility or apologize
- Respond with anger when you set boundaries
- Attempt to sabotage you or your other relationships
- Make you feel bad about yourself regularly
You deserve people in your life who make you feel supported, uplifted, and secure. By phasing out friendships that have turned hurtful, you open up space for more positive connections.
Conclusion
Being gossiped about by your own friends can damage your trust, self-esteem and sense of security. But there are many possible reasons friends talk behind your back – from jealousy to personal struggles. With compassion, communication, boundaries and forgiveness, it may be possible to repair the friendship. But toxic relationships that remain damaging should be ended, as hard as that may be. Surround yourself with people who support you and make you feel good. Life is too short for frenemies.