It’s a scene that plays out in homes and public places everywhere: A young child catches sight of his or her parent after a period of separation and immediately bursts into tears. This phenomenon is common enough that it has a name – reunion anxiety or separation anxiety. But why do children react this way? There are several possible explanations.
They Miss Their Parents
One of the most straightforward reasons that kids cry upon seeing their parents is that they miss them. Babies and young children have a strong attachment to their primary caregivers, usually their parents. Being separated can be stressful and upsetting. According to renowned attachment theory pioneer John Bowlby, babies are born with an instinctual need to attach to a caregiver in order to feel safe, secure and protected. This attachment becomes the foundation for all future relationships.
When separated from a primary caregiver, babies and young children experience anxiety. Their sense of safety has been disrupted. Then when reunited with the parent, they are flooded with emotion. This emotion often manifests as tears. The crying is a reaction to the stress of the separation and an expression of relief to be back with the caregiver.
Additionally, babies and young kids have difficulty regulating their emotions. They may cry simply because they feel overwhelmed. Seeing the parent reminds them of how much they missed their comforting presence, stimulating tears.
They Are Tired
Babies and young children need a lot of sleep – upwards of 12-14 hours in a 24 hour period. Overtiredness is a common reason for reunion crying. When children are out in public or spending time away from home and their usual nap schedule, they often don’t get adequate rest.
The excitement of a fun outing can prevent a child from sleeping as much as they normally would. Changes to routine and environment can also interfere with quality sleep. Then when the child sees the parent, the fatigue catches up to them and they melt down. The crying is essentially a “sleepy cry.”
They Feel Uncertainty
Young kids have a limited sense of object permanence – the understanding that things still exist even when out of sight. Around 6-7 months, babies will start to look for an object that has disappeared from view. But until around 24 months, children cannot fully grasp that people continue to exist when not physically present.
For a young child who has immature object permanence skills, seeing a parent after a separation may create uncertainty. They may briefly wonder “Where did this person come from? Is this really my parent?” This can spark anxious tears. Even though they were likely happy to see the parent, the situation does not compute right away for the still-developing brain.
They Are Overstimulated
Children can become overstimulated when outside the home in busy, loud environments like malls, playgrounds or childcare. There is a lot of sensory input – sights, sounds, smells, other kids vying for attention. Young children have a hard time filtering all this stimulation.
Then when the parent comes to pick them up, they are so emotionally drained that they cry. The crying helps discharge all the built up tension from the overstimulating situation. Therefore, the tears upon seeing the parent have more to do with the prior environment than the reunion itself.
They Have Separation Anxiety Disorder
Prolonged, intense distress upon separation from parents or other caregivers may signal separation anxiety disorder. This condition is fairly common in childhood, affecting about 4% of children. It is characterized by excessive fear or anxiety related to separation from attachment figures. Children with separation anxiety disorder may refuse to go to school or sleepaway from parents. They may also frequently wake at night to check that parents are still present.
When children have separation anxiety disorder, the crying upon reuniting with a parent tends to be more intense and lasting. It is an expression of the child’s intense anxiety related to separations. These children may also become clingy, experience physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches, or have trouble focusing on play or schoolwork after reunions.
Separation anxiety disorder requires evaluation and treatment by a mental health professional. Treatments include psychotherapy to address the underlying anxiety, parenting strategies to minimize distress at separations, and sometimes medication.
They Are Excited
Not all separation crying is negative. In some cases, a child may cry upon seeing a parent simply due to feeling overjoyed. The excitement of the reunion is just too much to contain. When a child has been anxiously awaiting the parent’s return all day, strong emotions build up. The child may laugh, squeal, jump up and down – and shed tears of joy upon that long-awaited moment.
They Want Attention
Some children learn that crying draws attention from caregivers. A child may fake cry or force tears in order to gain the parent’s concern. This attention-seeking behavior often occurs in public settings where the child senses the parent may be eager to placate them to avoid a scene.
Crocodile tears in response to seeing a parent are less likely with babies and more common in older toddlers and preschoolers. Parents should respond to this behavior with calmness and patience rather than unnecessary fussing over the child, which reinforces the crying.
They Have FOMO
FOMO, or fear of missing out, isn’t limited to adults – kids get it too! When a parent arrives to pick up a child from an enjoyable playdate or fun activity, the child may become upset and start crying. These tears aren’t so much about the parent, but rather about the child not wanting to leave the current stimulating situation. The playdate wasn’t long enough!
This reaction is most common in preschool and early elementary aged children. It reflects their maturing emotions and sense of time. They are now able to anticipate that the playdate or activity will end soon and feel sad about it.
What Parents Can Do
No parent wants to constantly deal with a crying, distraught child upon reunions. Here are some tips to ease reunion anxiety:
- Provide clear communication about the separation. Tell the child where you are going, why, and when you will return.
- Stick to consistent routines so separations are not associated with too many disruptions.
- Allow the child to bring a comforting object from home when separating.
- Provide the child a chance to settle in upon reuniting before engaging in another activity.
- Remain calm – your own anxiety may fuel the child’s reaction.
- Acknowledge the child’s feelings but don’t over-coddle.
If intense crying upon reunions persists or interferes with functioning, consult a pediatrician or mental health professional.
The Parent’s Role
While separation and reunion reactions are normal in small children, parents play a pivotal role in helping children manage their emotions and minimize anxiety. Here is how parents influence bonding and separation anxiety:
Early Attachment
Secure infant-parent attachment lessens separation anxiety. When babies have their needs consistently met in a responsive, nurturing way, they build trust that caregivers will return when absent. Insecure attachment from lack of responsiveness or inconsistency sets the stage for separation anxiety.
Parenting Style
Children of parents who are overprotective, overly permissive, or authoritarian tend to experience greater distress upon separations. A balanced parenting approach – reasonable limits with warmth and affection – allows kids to gain competence for handling emotions.
Role Modeling
Kids pick up on parents’ stress and anxiety about separations. A parent who tearfully lingers at preschool drop-off communicates anxiety to the child. Role modeling calm confidence helps children manage their own emotions.
Preparation
Helping a child know what to expect well in advance of a separation eases uncertainty. Talk through what will happen, who will care for the child, and when the parent will return. Read books about separation experiences.
Consistency
Follow regular routines around separation when possible. For instance, say goodbye in the same way each preschool drop-off or have the same caregiver stay when parents go out. Consistency and predictability builds security.
Reinforcing Independence
Encourage children to develop self-soothing techniques like deep breathing, hugging a stuffed animal, or reading a favorite book. Build confidence by allowing age-appropriate independence. These steps help kids tolerate some alone time.
The Science Behind Reunion Crying
There are some interesting scientific explanations for why children cry upon reunions:
Brain Development
Research using MRIs shows that the amygdala, the part of the brain governing emotion, activates during parent-child separations and reunions. The amygdala does not mature until around age two, suggesting why separation anxiety manifests at that point in development.
Hormones
The hormone cortisol increases in children upon separation from parents. High cortisol levels indicate stress. Oxytocin, sometimes called the “love hormone” or “cuddle chemical,” spikes during reunions, triggering strong emotional reactions.
Genetics
Temperament is influenced by genetics. Children born with inhibited temperaments tend to be more sensitive to new situations and unfamiliar people. These children are wired to react strongly to separations and reunions.
Evolution
Crying upon reuniting likely conferred an evolutionary advantage. During primitive times, loud screaming or crying upon becoming separated from a protector may have helped reunite a vulnerable child with their caregiver, reducing the risk of harm or death.
| Age | Typical Reunion Response | How to Handle |
|---|---|---|
| 0-6 months | May briefly pause new activity but no overt reaction to parent | Greet with smile, touch, and gentle voice |
| 6-15 months | May cry and reach for parent | Verbally reassure and provide comfort object from home |
| 15-24 months | Intense clinging, crying lasting 5-15 minutes | Acknowledge feelings but encourage child to settle |
| 2-5 years | Some tears and clinging, may stop activity | Allow brief cling then engage in fun activity |
Conclusion
Crying when reunited with a parent or caregiver is perfectly normal behavior in infants and toddlers. There are many logical reasons this reaction occurs including missing the parent, fatigue, uncertainty about the situation, and overstimulation. Separation anxiety peaks around age two when it is developmentally appropriate. Supportive parenting strategies like solid routines, clear communication, and modeling calmness can mitigate the distress of separations. If excessive anxiety about separation persists beyond toddlerhood, seeking help from a child mental health professional is advisable. Staying patient, providing extra comfort during reunions, acknowledging the child’s feelings and allowing the child to settle before moving to another activity can all help ease the transition. While reunion crying can be unsettling for parents, keep in mind that brief stress followed by the comfort of reconnecting is an essential part of forming the nurturing bond between parent and child.