It’s common for people to touch, poke, or grab at their partner while sleeping. This unusual nighttime behavior can be perplexing, annoying, or even disturbing to partners on the receiving end. But what causes people to reach out and touch while asleep? Here’s an in-depth look at some of the explanations behind this quirky sleep habit.
It’s a form of parasomnia
Experts categorize unusual nighttime behaviors like sleep touching as a type of parasomnia. Parasomnias are undesirable physical events or experiences that occur when someone is falling asleep, sleeping, or waking up from sleep.
There are several different types of parasomnias, including:
- Sleepwalking
- Sleep talking
- Nightmares
- Sleep paralysis
- Bedwetting
- Teeth grinding
Reaching out to touch a sleeping partner falls under the category of “sleep-related abnormal sexual behaviors.” Other examples in this category include masturbation, groping, and initiating sex with a partner while asleep.
Just like the other parasomnias, sleep touching occurs during non-REM sleep stages. Most episodes of sleep touching happen when the person is transitioning from deep sleep to lighter stages. They tend to occur early in the night, within one to two hours after falling asleep.
It could be a type of sleep sex disorder
Some experts also lump sleep touching into a broader category called “sleep sex” or sexsomnia. This refers to any type of sexual behavior that happens while asleep.
Like other parasomnias, sexsomnia is considered a non-voluntary event. The sleeping person is not conscious or aware of their actions. They have no memory of the event occurring when they wake up.
In addition to groping and touching, people with sexsomnia may also display more explicit sexual behaviors while asleep. This can include masturbation, vocalizations, grabbing at themselves or their partner’s genitals, rhythmic pelvic thrusting, and even attempting intercourse.
Prevalence of sexsomnia
Sleep specialists estimate that sexsomnia occurs in around 7% of adults. However, incidence rates may be underestimated because people are often hesitant to report or discuss it. Males are 3 to 4 times more likely to experience sexsomnia compared to females.
Risk factors for sexsomnia
Certain factors can increase someone’s risk of developing sexsomnia or related parasomnias:
- Male gender
- Younger age (peaks in early adulthood)
- History of sleepwalking or other parasomnias
- Sleep deprivation or fatigue
- Stress
- Use of certain medications, drugs, or alcohol
- Sharing a bed with a partner
- Irregular sleep schedules
It may be a primal instinct
From an evolutionary standpoint, some researchers believe that reaching out to touch a bed partner may be rooted in primal mating instincts. During sleep, people experience lowered inhibitions and lack many of the social restrictions, norms, or judgment they have while awake.
In this uninhibited state, a person may unconsciously touch or grope their partner as a form of mating initiation. Essentially, the sleeping brain defaults to more primal, instinctual behaviors aimed at sexual intimacy and reproduction.
Gender differences
This evolutionary theory may also help explain why sleep touching and sexsomnia are much more prevalent among men. Researchers hypothesize that the male unconscious may be more prone towards initiating sexual contact as a reproductive strategy.
Sleep touching may be a sign of longing and intimacy
Not all sleep experts view nighttime touching as a problematic or unhealthy behavior. Some believe it can signify positive traits like affection, intimacy, and longing for closeness with a partner.
From this perspective, a sleeping person’s urge to reach out and make physical contact is not random or meaningless. It can be interpreted as an unconscious expression of their desire to be close to their loved one.
Sleep touching may also provide comfort and security. The familiar presence and physical proximity of a long-term partner in bed can have a soothing effect that permeates even into unconscious stages of sleep.
Should you encourage or discourage it?
For couples who are comfortable with nighttime touching or cuddling in bed, experts generally recommend giving it a green light. However, partners who are bothered or aggravated by sleep groping or sexsomnia may want to take steps to set boundaries and discourage it.
Each couple has individual comfort levels. Open communication can help partners find an arrangement that allows them both to feel safe and undisturbed while sleeping.
Underlying sleep disorders may play a role
In some cases, abnormal nighttime behaviors like sleep touching may signal an underlying sleep disorder. Two disorders that have been linked to parasomnias are:
Sleep apnea
Sleep apnea causes repeated pauses in breathing throughout the night, resulting in fragmented, low-quality sleep. The lack of oxygen may trigger the brain to enter into parasomnia behaviors like touching.
REM sleep behavior disorder
This disorder causes people to act out their dreams in a physical way. It’s similar to sleepwalking but occurs during REM sleep stages instead of non-REM sleep.
Seeing a sleep doctor for an evaluation can help identify if an underlying condition is contributing to undesirable sleep behaviors.
Sleep deprivation may be a trigger
Lack of quality sleep is linked to a wide range of health and behavioral issues. Sleep deprivation can lower inhibitions, impair thinking, and reduce self-control.
When someone doesn’t get enough deep, restorative sleep, they’re more likely to experience unusual behaviors like sleep touching or sexsomnia. Fatigue puts the brain into a more uncontrolled sleep state where parasomnias can surface.
Improving sleep hygiene
Practicing good sleep hygiene is important for anyone prone to abnormal sleep behaviors. Tips for optimizing sleep hygiene include:
- Follow a consistent bedtime routine
- Limit screen time and digital devices before bed
- Make sure the sleep environment is cool, dark and quiet
- Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and big meals too close to bedtime
- Reduce daytime napping
- Exercise regularly but not right before bed
Making sleep a priority and consistently getting 7-9 hours helps maintain a high-quality sleep cycle and reduces parasomnia episodes.
Medications, drugs, and alcohol can be triggers
Certain prescription medications have been associated with an increased risk of abnormal sleep behaviors like sleep sex. Drugs that can trigger parasomnias include:
- Benzodiazepines
- Antidepressants
- Beta blockers
- Amphetamines
- Sodium oxybate
Illicit drugs like cocaine, MDMA, and marijuana can also contribute to sleep touching and other parasomnias. Alcohol is another major risk factor – drinking before bed disturbs sleep quality and lowers inhibitions.
Checking with a healthcare provider to review medications and interactions can help identify any pharma triggers. Reducing or avoiding drug and alcohol use around bedtime minimizes risks.
Strategies for dealing with sleep touching
While occasional, mild sleep touching may not require intervention, more frequent or aggressive groping or sexsomnia can negatively impact relationships and quality of life for couples. There are some strategies for mitigating problematic sleep touching behaviors:
Separate beds
Having separate beds for sleeping is one simple fix. Physical distance from a partner makes sleep touching impossible. Some couples start out in the same bed but have an agreement that the touched partner can move to another bed if unwanted parasomnia behaviors start up.
Bed alarm devices
Motion-activated alarms placed near the edge of the mattress can detect if a sleeping partner tries to get out of bed, which may prelude touching or inappropriate sexual advances. The alarm sound awakens the individual so they remain aware of their actions.
Consult a doctor or sleep specialist
A medical checkup can uncover underlying conditions leading to parasomnia behaviors. Doctors may recommend further sleep testing in a lab setting to diagnose conditions like sleep apnea. Treatment of an underlying disorder may help eliminate unwanted sleep behaviors.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
CBT is a therapeutic intervention focused on identifying unhealthy thought and behavior patterns and developing strategies to improve them. A psychologist can work with individuals to set healthy boundaries, control behaviors, and minimize negative impact on partners.
Medications
In some cases, prescription medications may help suppress undesirable sleep behaviors. A doctor may prescribe certain antidepressants, benzodiazepines, melatonin, or other drugs to regulate sleep cycles and promote deep, restful sleep.
Other common questions
Is sleep touching a mental disorder?
Isolated instances of sleep touching are not necessarily indicative of an underlying mental health disorder. However, frequent or escalating sleep sex behaviors may require evaluation by a psychologist or counselor. Helping couples establish healthy boundaries and communication around parasomnias is key.
Should I be concerned about legal issues?
Most legal experts consider parasomnias like sleep sex to be involuntary behaviors that do not constitute criminal conduct. However, it’s important for couples to communicate openly and set clear boundaries to avoid relationship damage or unintended harm.
Can children experience sleep touching?
Parasomnias like sleepwalking and night terrors are common in children but tend to decrease with age. Child sleep experts say sexualized behaviors like masturbation or groping during sleep are rare but can occur in some young children because of their lack of inhibition.
However, if sexual parasomnias persist or increase into adolescence, it merits medical evaluation. Ongoing counseling and parental support are recommended to help youth safely manage behaviors.
The bottom line
Reaching out to touch or grope a partner during sleep is common but perplexing behavior. While occasional mild sleep touching may be harmless for many couples, unwanted advances or sexsomnia can negatively impact relationships and health.
Getting to the root causes with proper medical evaluation and treatment can help manage undesirable parasomnia behaviors. Maintaining an understanding, non-judgmental attitude and keeping open communication between partners is also key.
With compassion and patience, couples can successfully address sleep touching issues and maintain healthy intimacy.