Pushing someone away when you have feelings for them is a common reaction rooted in fear. Although counterintuitive, distancing yourself from someone you care for often stems from a place of wanting to protect yourself or the relationship. Exploring the psychology behind this behavior can provide insight into why you may be self-sabotaging when you actually desire closeness.
Why Do We Push People Away?
There are several key reasons why we tend to push away the people we love:
Fear of Rejection
You may push him away as a self-protective measure if you fear he will reject or hurt you first. Preemptively putting distance between you gives a sense of control. Although not ideal, distancing yourself feels safer than risking being rejected by him down the line.
Fear of Intimacy
Letting someone get close to you feels vulnerable. True intimacy requires openness and honesty. If past relationships caused emotional pain, you may instinctively push away someone you care about to avoid a similar fate.
Fear of Losing Independence
Committing to someone stirs up anxiety about losing your freedom. Pushing him away maintains distance so you don’t lose your independence in the relationship.
Uncertainty About the Future
Doubts about whether the relationship will work out long-term lead some people to put up walls. You may push him away now to avoid pain later if things don’t pan out.
Insecurity
Feeling unworthy of love often manifests as pulling away from someone who cares about you. You may create distance if your insecurities tell you that you don’t deserve him or your relationship is doomed.
Past Relationship Trauma
Bad experiences in previous relationships can trigger fear of the same happening again. You may instinctively push away someone new to protect yourself, even if they have done nothing wrong.
When Does Pushing Away Become an Issue?
Occasionally distancing yourself from a partner to gain perspective or meet other needs is normal. But if pushing him away becomes a pattern, it can damage your relationship. Signs it’s an issue include:
- Picking fights or shutting down emotionally to create distance
- Becoming cold, critical or withdrawn when he shows affection
- Flirting with others or sabotaging meaningful conversations/moments
- Breaking up preemptively or giving ultimatums about needing space
Habitual distancing is unfair to your partner. It also prevents intimacy from developing and leaves underlying fears unaddressed.
How to Stop Pushing Him Away
The first step is identifying what you’re really afraid of so you can deal with it directly. Next, consciously challenge instincts to pull away when he gets close. Also:
- Communicate your feelings vs. shutting down
- Focus on his positive qualities when doubting the relationship
- Lean into rather than resist displays of affection
- Seek professional help to overcome relationship anxiety/insecurity
With self-awareness and effort, you can feel safer in your vulnerability. Letting him in despite your fears fosters intimacy.
When to Seek Outside Help
Consider counseling or therapy if:
- Pushing away feels compulsive despite your desire for closeness
- You can’t pinpoint or resolve the root causes on your own
- Your behavior is significantly damaging the relationship
- Past trauma is blocking your ability to form intimacy
A professional can help you unpack fears, gain healthy coping tools, and feel more secure with emotional availability. Don’t struggle alone – support is available.
The Takeaway
Pushing someone away when your feelings run deep often stems from fear of hurt. But distancing oneself repeatedly can harm otherwise healthy relationships. Identifying insecurities, challenging reflexive walls, and seeking help if needed can get you back on track to meaningful intimacy. With courage and communication, you can overcome the instinct to push away the person you love.