It’s only natural after a breakup to have your ex cross your mind frequently. In the beginning, it’s understandable to be preoccupied with thoughts of your ex-partner. The relationship was likely a huge part of your life, and now it’s gone. This can leave you feeling empty, angry, sad, or any number of difficult emotions. You may replay events from the relationship over and over, wondering what went wrong and if there’s any chance of reconciling.
Why do thoughts of your ex persist?
There are several common reasons why you may be fixated on your ex after a breakup:
- Attachment – Especially if it was a longer-term relationship, you likely feel very attached to your ex emotionally and psychologically. This attachment makes it difficult to let go.
- Habit – If you dated for a long time, your ex became part of your daily habits and routines. It can take time to break habits built around spending time with your ex.
- Unresolved feelings – You may still love your ex and feel grief over the loss of the relationship. These unresolved feelings keep your ex in your mind.
- Need for closure – If the breakup was abrupt, ambiguous, or for reasons you don’t understand, you may obsess over trying to get closure.
- Loneliness – The void left by your ex can cause intense loneliness. You miss the companionship you shared.
- Anger – Feeling angry at your ex for ending things or hurting you can cause rumination.
Thoughts of your ex are normal for a while after a breakup. But if it’s been months and you still can’t stop thinking about them, it may be sign that you’re stuck and need help moving on.
Why is it unhealthy to obsess over an ex?
Constant rumination and obsession over an ex is unhealthy for several reasons:
- It prolongs emotional pain – Reliving the breakup prevents healing and closure.
- It impairs daily functioning – Being distracted by obsessive thoughts makes it hard to concentrate at work or school.
- It prevents moving forward – Dwelling on the past keeps you from opening up to new relationships.
- It leads to depression and anxiety – Obsessive thoughts are linked to higher incidence of depression and anxiety disorders.
- It lowers self-esteem – Fixating on rejection can damage self-confidence and self-worth.
Letting go and refocusing your thoughts is essential for recovering from heartbreak in a healthy way.
Tips for stopping obsessive thoughts about an ex
If you’re struggling to let go of constant thoughts about your ex, here are some strategies that can help:
- Cut off contact – Seeing or talking to your ex reactivates attachment and makes it harder to move on, especially in the beginning of a breakup. Avoid your ex on social media too.
- Keep busy – Fill your schedule with activities and seeing friends/family. Staying busy leaves less downtime for rumination.
- Journal – Write down your thoughts and feelings to get them out of your head.
- Practice mindfulness – Notice when you’re dwelling on the past without judgment. Gently shift your focus back to the present.
- Exercise – Physical activity releases feel-good endorphins and reduces stress.
- Consider therapy – A therapist can help identify thought patterns and give tools to stop obsessive rumination.
- Date yourself – Take yourself out to dinner, movies, etc. Rediscover who you are outside of the relationship.
With time and these self-care strategies, intrusive thoughts about your ex will decrease. Be patient with yourself through this challenging transition. The pain will lessen, and you’ll be able to move forward.
When to seek professional help
It’s normal to think about your ex a lot right after a breakup. But if it’s been months and you’re still obsessed, you may need to seek professional help. Consider talking to a therapist if:
- Your functioning is impaired – You have trouble working, attending class, caring for yourself, etc.
- Your mood is significantly lowered – You feel depressed, anxious, irritable, etc.
- It’s causing significant stress in your life – Obsessing over your ex strains your relationships and health.
- Self-destructive coping behaviors emerge – You engage in substance abuse, risky sexual behavior, self-harm, etc.
- Suicidal thoughts occur – Breakups can be a suicide risk factor.
A therapist can assess if you would benefit from counseling, medication, or both. Getting help is important, as obsessive rumination takes a toll both emotionally and physically when left untreated.
How long does it take to get over an ex?
There is no set timeline for getting over an ex. How long it takes depends on many factors:
| Factor | Impact on Getting Over an Ex |
|---|---|
| Length of relationship | Longer relationships take longer to get over |
| Who initiated breakup | Being broken up with can be harder to accept |
| Presence of betrayal | Infidelity or lies make getting over an ex harder |
| Level of investment | More committed relationships are harder to get over |
| Age | Younger people tend to move on more quickly |
| Support system | Good family/friend support speeds up recovery |
| Attachment style | Anxious attachment makes getting over an ex harder |
Though everyone heals on their own timeline, research suggests most people can recover from a breakup within 1-2 months with self-care. Longer relationships may take 6 months or more to get over.
Are rebounds after a breakup helpful?
Some people decide to pursue a rebound relationship soon after a painful breakup. There are a few potential upsides to this:
- Distraction – A new fling distracts from obsessive thoughts about your ex.
- Ego boost – Dating again can rebuild self-esteem after feeling rejected.
- Sexual fulfillment – A new partner can fulfill unmet sexual needs.
- Companionship – Spending time with a new love interest offsets feelings of loneliness.
However, research suggests that rebounds are not an effective long-term coping strategy. Potential downsides include:
- Prevents grieving – Jumping into something new doesn’t allow you to process the breakup.
- Comparisons – It’s common to compare a new partner to your ex.
- Temporary fulfillment – Rebounds often don’t last, leaving you feeling empty again.
- Self-validation issues – Relying on a conquest for self-esteem can backfire.
- Guilt/Remorse – Taking advantage of someone’s feelings for validation can cause guilt.
It’s generally healthier to allow yourself time to grieve, process, and heal from a breakup before pursuing something new. But rebounds may temporarily soothe the pain for some.
Will trying to stay friends make moving on harder?
Many exes attempt to stay friends right after a breakup to soften the blow. But this is often not an effective strategy. Research shows that friendship between exes typically leads to:
- Prolonged attachment and false hope – Friendly interactions can confuse feelings and delay moving on.
- Comparisons – Knowing details about your ex’s new life makes it harder to move forward.
- Mixed signals – One ex often wants more than friendship, complicating boundaries.
- Jealousy and pain – Watching your ex move on with someone new can hurt.
- Fights and drama – Exes tend to struggle setting healthy platonic boundaries.
For a friendship with an ex to work, both parties need complete emotional closure first. Trying to be friends first delays this closure. It’s healthiest to take space from each other while you heal.
Conclusion
It’s completely normal to be preoccupied with thoughts of your ex immediately following a breakup. But rumination and obsession over months or years prevents moving forward. To stop obsessive thoughts, cut off contact, stay active, journal, practice mindfulness, and seek therapy if needed. Rather than pursuing a rebound or friendship with your ex, take time to grieve, process emotions, and rediscover yourself. With self-care, intrusive thoughts will diminish and you’ll be ready for healthy relationships again.