Feeling insecure in a relationship is very common. Insecurity can arise for many reasons, but often stems from fear – fear of abandonment, fear of betrayal, fear of not being good enough. If you find yourself constantly second-guessing your partner’s feelings for you or worrying that they will leave you, you may be struggling with relationship insecurity.
What causes relationship insecurity?
There are a few key causes of insecurity in intimate relationships:
- Past relationship trauma – If you’ve been cheated on, abused, or heartbroken in the past, you may unconsciously carry those hurts into new relationships. Past betrayals can make it hard to fully trust a new partner.
- Attachment style – If you have an anxious attachment style, you likely crave intimacy and reassurance from your partner. When you don’t get as much closeness as you need, you may start to feel insecure about the relationship.
- Low self-esteem – When you lack confidence in yourself and your self-worth, it’s easy to project those feelings onto your relationship. You may constantly need validation from your partner.
- Unmet needs – When important emotional needs like affection, communication, quality time are unfulfilled, it can undermine your sense of security.
- Change or transition – When the relationship dynamic changes, like after moving in together or getting married, it can uncover new insecurities.
Often, relationship insecurity stems from a combination of factors. Past hurts mixed with an anxious attachment style may be an especially potent trigger for insecurity.
How does insecurity show up in relationships?
Insecurity in a relationship may show up in a variety of ways:
- Jealousy and possessiveness – You may get irrationally jealous about your partner’s friendships, coworkers, or social media activity. You want constant reassurance that you are the only one that matters.
- Clinginess and neediness – You feel anxious when your partner is unavailable and may blow up their phone when you can’t reach them. You crave constant contact and togetherness.
- Monitoring and checking behaviors – You compulsively check your partner’s phone, emails, social media to look for “evidence” that they are cheating or losing interest.
- Constant reassurance seeking – You repeatedly ask your partner if they truly love you, want to be with you, find you attractive. You have a hard time believing their assurances.
- Self-sabotage – You pick fights, create drama, or push your partner away out of fear of abandonment. You may try to test their loyalty.
- Withdrawal – You shut down or retreat from your partner to protect yourself from feared rejection. You may stop communicating your feelings.
These behaviors can put strain on a relationship and push a partner away, ultimately creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s why it’s important to address insecurity early on.
How can I overcome relationship insecurity?
It is possible to overcome those insecure thoughts and behaviors with some concerted effort:
- Get to the root of your fears – Explore any past experiences or unresolved trauma that may be fueling your insecurity. Seek counseling to help work through it.
- Communicate your needs – Vulnerably share your fears and insecurities with your partner. Ask for reassurance and closeness when you need it.
- Build self-esteem – Develop confidence in yourself independent of your relationship. Pursue interests and passions that make you feel good about yourself.
- Challenge negative thoughts – When you have irrational fears about your partner or the relationship, examine the evidence. Ask yourself if there are more reasonable explanations.
- Practice gratitude – Spend time focusing on all the things you appreciate about your partner and relationship. This can rewire your brain.
- Don’t make assumptions – If you are unsure about something related to the relationship or your partner’s feelings, ask rather than guessing. Don’t projected unwarranted suspicions.
- Get professional help – Consider counseling or therapy to uncover the roots of your attachment style or self-esteem issues fuelling insecurity.
With consistent effort, you can absolutely become more secure and trusting in your relationship. Be compassionate with yourself throughout the process.
What if my partner is insecure?
It’s equally common for men to struggle with insecurity in relationships. This can show up as:
- Jealousy and controlling behaviors
- Needing constant validation
- Making unwarranted accusations
- Sabotaging the relationship
- Having anger issues
If you notice your partner acting out in these ways, here are some tips:
- Avoid defensiveness – Don’t take their behaviors personally. Understand it stems from unresolved fears or pain.
- Offer reassurance – Provide loving words, compliments, physical affection. But set boundaries if it becomes excessive.
- Communicate gently – Have open, non-judgemental talks about what you both need to feel secure. Make adjustments to meet each other half way.
- Suggest counseling – If their jealousy, accusations, or controlling behaviors are entrenched or unhealthy, professionally guided therapy can help get to the root issues.
- Give space if needed – You may need to temporarily remove yourself from the situation if unhealthy behaviors persist despite efforts to communicate. Take space to evaluate if or how the relationship can adjust to make you both feel safe and secure.
With mutual care, understanding and professional support if warranted, you can absolutely overcome insecurity issues together. The key is being committed to creating a foundation of trust, communication and empathy.
When is relationship insecurity a red flag?
Insecurity can range from normal apprehension to unhealthy and dangerous behaviors. Use the following table to help assess if insecurity has crossed over into abuse:
| Green flags | Yellow flags | Red flags |
|---|---|---|
| Occasional jealousy or uncertainty | Frequent monitoring, control, accusations | Extreme jealousy, rage, isolating you from friends/family |
| Needing some extra reassurance during challenging times | Demanding endless validation and reassurance | Blaming you for their insecurities |
| Communicating feelings vulnerably | Guilting you for focusing on anything but them | Threats, violence, destroying property |
| Willingness to self-reflect | Unable or unwilling to take responsibility | Stalking, hacking accounts, harming pets |
If you see multiple red flags, the insecurity has likely progressed to emotional or physical abuse. Your safety and well-being should be the priority. Consider seeking help from counselors, domestic violence advocates, law enforcement. You deserve to feel secure in your relationship.
Conclusion
Experiencing some insecurity and jealousy is normal, especially when going through life transitions together. But recurring, intense insecurity that leads to controlling or harmful behaviors is a serious issue that requires intervention. With self-work, communication skills, professional treatment, and the right partner, it is possible to move past insecurity into a healthy trusting relationship. The key is being able to identify insecurity early on and take concrete steps to uncover the root causes and change destructive thought and behavior patterns before they progress down an abusive path. If your relationship insecurities have crossed over into emotional or physical harm, make a safety plan and seek support to exit the situation right away. You deserve to feel safe, respected and valued.