Valentine’s Day is all about celebrating love and relationships. However, one question that often comes up is: who should pay for the Valentine’s Day dinner – the man or the woman? There are arguments on both sides of this debate, and no definitive right or wrong answer. Here is an overview of some of the key considerations.
Traditional etiquette
According to traditional dating etiquette, the man should pay for the Valentine’s Day dinner (and any date). This is because he is the one pursuing the woman and asking her out on the date. Paying shows chivalry, respect, and that he values her time. It also demonstrates that he is financially stable and capable of being a provider.
Many women still expect men to pay for dates and adhere to this traditional norm. A survey showed that 64% of women believe the man should pay for the first date and 39% would offer to help pay, but hope the man declines. Men paying aligns with conventional gender roles of men as the providers and women as the nurturers.
Equality and independence
However, societal norms and expectations around gender roles have shifted. Many believe that in modern dating, especially among younger generations, men and women should split the bill. This reflects a more equal partnership.
Women now have greater financial independence and earning power. A “whoever initiated the date should pay” approach is gaining popularity. Others feel that both parties investing financially signals mutual interest and commitment.
Splitting the bill also prevents any sense of owed reciprocity or expectations. This “going Dutch” approach is ideal for first dates or casual dating when the relationship status is unclear.
Consider income disparities
Ideally, payment should align with each person’s financial means. If there is a significant income gap, the higher earner (regardless of gender) should offer to cover more dates. According to surveys, 75% feel the higher earner should pay.
However, this needs to be navigated carefully to avoid embarrassing the lower earner. One compromise is for the lower earner to pay for simpler, cheaper dates.
Alternate and collaborate
For couples in established relationships, alternating who pays for each date or collaborating on costs are good systems. The man can get one date, the woman the next. Or both parties can contribute through covering the different costs – one pays for dinner, the other for movie tickets.
Alternating gives both parties a chance to treat their partner. Collaborating shares expenses while letting both still feel they are romancing each other.
The asker pays
A common approach is that whoever initiated the date plans it and pays. So if the man asked the woman out for Valentine’s dinner, he foots the bill. And if she returns the invitation another time, she can pay. This provides a clear expectation.
However, others argue for sharing expenses regardless of who asked. In committed relationships, there are often mutual understandings or implied invitations so it’s not always clear who the asker was.
Set expectations
There are no universally right answers, only what works for each couple. The most important thing is to communicate expectations openly to avoid confusion or awkwardness. Talk it through and see whether you both align on an approach.
Some key questions to discuss:
- Do you prefer traditional roles or a more egalitarian approach?
- How will income disparities factor in?
- Do you want to alternate, collaborate or have the asker pay?
- Are you comfortable stating your preferences or offering to cover your share?
The Valentine’s gift
What about the Valentine’s gift? Unless you specifically agree otherwise, both partners should come prepared with a gift. The gift is a tangible symbol of affection, while dinner is an experience shared.
The gift-giver should consider their partner’s tastes, interests, and personality. But avoid going overboard financially – it’s the thought, not the price tag.
Some gift ideas:
- Flowers
- Chocolates
- A personalized mix tape or playlist
- A home-cooked meal
- A romantic experience like a couples massage
Conclusion
Who pays for a Valentine’s date ultimately depends on the couple’s preferences and values. There’s no right or wrong. The important things are: communicating expectations, considering both people’s means, and agreeing on something that feels fair, comfortable and romantic for both parties.