Relationships can be complicated. While most people enter them with the best intentions, some individuals bring toxicity that can damage their partner and the relationship. Recognizing when someone is being toxic is an important step in setting boundaries and potentially removing yourself from the situation. This article will provide an overview of what constitutes a toxic person in an intimate relationship, common signs to look out for, and how to handle such an individual if you find yourself in that predicament.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is one that leaves you feeling drained, unhappy, and insecure the majority of the time. It involves behaviors from one or both people that damage the connection and ability to function healthily as a couple. Some key qualities of a toxic relationship include:
- One partner tries to exert control and power over the other.
- There is dependence that prevents the individuals from having space and autonomy.
- The people are unwilling to listen, compromise, and validate each other’s experiences.
- There is isolation from friends, family, and other support systems.
- Feelings of walking on eggshells around the toxic partner are common.
- Frequent fighting, drama, criticism, and chaos tend to occur.
- The connection diminishes self-esteem, confidence, and overall wellbeing.
If these dynamics describe your relationship, you may be with someone who is toxic. The most important thing is how the relationship makes you feel. A healthy partnership should make you feel loved, secure, and empowered most days.
Signs of a toxic partner
So how can you identify if your significant other is toxic? Here are some key signs to look out for:
They are manipulative
Toxic people often use manipulation tactics to maintain a sense of control. For instance, they may guilt trip you, gaslight you, or neglect you emotionally until they get what they want. They don’t take your desires, needs, or opinions seriously. You find yourself constantly second-guessing your own judgment.
They lack empathy
One of the hallmark signs of a toxic person is their inability to empathize and put themselves in someone else’s shoes. They are completely self-absorbed. Your feelings, experiences, and problems don’t matter to them. You feel constantly invalidated.
They undermine and control you
Controlling people need to feel powerful. So they will try to micromanage your life, finances, career, social life, and other relationships. Toxic people don’t want their partner feeling independent or confident. They want dependence. You question your own decisions because this person manipulates you.
They have serious mood swings
Toxic people tend to be quite unstable. One minute they idealize you, the next they are furious, ignoring you, or deeply depressed. Their extreme highs and lows keep you feeling anxious and unable to find steady ground. You walk on eggshells trying not to trigger their anger.
They are overly critical
You feel like nothing you do is ever good enough for this person. They criticize you, your dreams, your interests, your family, and your choices. Their put-downs leave you feeling deflated and worthless. No matter how hard you try, this partner finds something negative to say.
They play the victim
Toxic people never take responsibility for their actions. They blame their hurtful behavior on external factors, even on you. They complain about how unlucky they are or say they can’t help it. This person paints themself as the victim and you as the enemy.
They are dishonest
Relationships require mutual trust and honesty. But a toxic person will have no issues lying, being secretive, or omitting the full truth. They hide certain things because they know revealing it would compromise their control. You feel suspicious and unable to believe what this partner tells you.
They isolate you
Controlling people try to cut you off from family and friends. They make excuses for why you shouldn’t see certain people. They may even block communication. A toxic partner wants you all to themselves so you are fully dependent on them. Your world becomes very small.
They are emotionally abusive
Toxic people stay in control through emotional abuse and cruelty. This can include humiliating you, making threats, shouting insults, stonewalling, betraying your trust, and using the silent treatment or abandonment. You feel afraid and small.
They don’t take responsibility
A toxic person avoids looking inward. So even when their actions clearly damage the relationship, they find ways to blame outside sources. They don’t take steps to modify hurtful behaviors or properly apologize. This leaves problems unresolved.
Why people stay in toxic relationships
If the signs are glaring, why do people stay with a toxic partner? There are actually many complex reasons including:
- Low self-esteem and lack of self-worth.
- Fear of being alone.
- Believing this person is as good as they can get.
- Hope their partner will change.
- Isolation from family/friends.
- Financial dependence.
- Normalizing the dysfunction.
- Repeatedly trying to make it work.
- Blaming themselves for their partner’s behavior.
Recognizing why you stay can be an important step in finding the courage to leave. You deserve a relationship that empowers you.
How to handle a toxic partner
If you realize you are with someone toxic, here are some tips:
Set firm boundaries
Start setting clear boundaries around what behaviors you will no longer accept, and stick to them. Be prepared for pushback as your partner tries to cling to control. Stay strong and enforce consequences when boundaries are crossed.
Call out lies and manipulation
Don’t allow this person to rewrite narratives in their favor. When your partner tries to manipulate, confront them with the facts. Point out when and how they are attempting to gaslight you. Shine light on their lies.
Spend time with other people
Find community and support from family and friends. Spend more time with people who treat you with care and don’t tolerate your partner’s toxicity. Limit time solely with this unhealthy person.
Have an exit plan
Work privately to exit the relationship safely. This could mean setting money aside, making arrangements to stay with someone else, confiding in trusted allies, or speaking to a counselor. Leaving is often a process – be proactive.
Seek counseling support
Therapy with a counselor experienced in toxic relationships can provide enormous help. You can better understand your own patterns and motivations while getting professional guidance. Support groups also help considerably.
Prioritize your needs
Focus on your own mental and physical well-being. Engage in healthy activities that make you feel empowered. Don’t let this partner consume all your energy. Put your needs first.
Leave the relationship
In many cases, cutting contact altogether is the healthiest option. A toxic person will not change without professional intervention. You alone cannot fix them. Leaving ends the madness so you can heal and find a partner who treats you with respect.
Conclusion
Being in a relationship with a toxic person takes an enormous toll. The manipulation, volatility and abuse leaves you feeling defeated. But there are always actions you can take to advocate for yourself, find your inner resilience, regain control over your life, and walk away. You deserve so much better. With the right help and courage, you can break the cycle and establish the healthy boundaries you need to foster positive connections that uplift you.