The popular saying “If you love someone, let them go” is a piece of age-old wisdom that encourages letting go of a romantic partner instead of clinging to them, in hopes that your partner will come back to you if it’s meant to be. This saying speaks to the belief that true love need not be forced or tightly grasped – if two people are really meant for each other, they will find their way back together. Though the exact origins of this saying are unclear, it seems to have entered the popular lexicon in the mid-20th century.
Meaning and Interpretation
This phrase is generally interpreted to mean that holding on too tightly to a romantic partner – by being possessive, smothering them, or refusing to give them needed space – can backfire. If you try to force someone to stay with you against their wishes, they may end up pulling further away. By letting go, you remove the pressure on them to stay in the relationship just to please you, and allow them the freedom to decide for themselves what they truly want.
Letting someone go does not necessarily mean ending the relationship entirely. It can simply mean loosening your grip, compromising, and giving your partner breathing room. This phrase implies an underlying trust that if you and your partner are really right for each other, your love will survive a period of separation and you will reunite in the end. However, there is also an understanding that if you set someone free and they do not return, the relationship was probably not meant to be.
History and Origins
This saying does not originate from any one definitive source. Similar sentiments about letting go of what you love date back thousands of years in various cultures and religions around the world. Here are some examples of early expressions of this idea:
- In Buddhism, a central teaching is non-attachment – being accepting of impermanence and not clinging to people or things.
- In the Tao Te Ching, a Taoist text attributed to Lao Tzu, there is the verse: “Act without expectation, work without seeking gain, taste without attachment.”
- In the Bible verse Matthew 6:25, Jesus teaches his followers, “Do not worry about your life.” This speaks to the idea of letting go of control.
The first known English iteration of this phrase appeared in the 1955 issue of the magazine American Horse Breeder, in an article by Francis Voss. It stated: “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”
In the 1960s and 70s, the saying gained more widespread popularity and began to be used in reference to romantic relationships. Pop music artists incorporated versions of it into love songs, like “If You Love Me (Really Love Me)” by Kay Starr in 1964 and “If You Love Me Let Me Go” by Olivia Newton-John in 1975. Self-help books also adopted this phrase in their relationship advice columns. While the saying is centuries old in essence, it solidified itself into pop culture in the latter half of the 20th century.
Examples in Pop Culture
This saying continues to be frequently referenced in movies, songs, and books, especially within the romance genre. Here are a few memorable recent examples:
- In the 2010 romance film The Last Song, Ronnie’s father Steven tells her, “If you love someone, set them free.”
- The 1992 breakup ballad “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston includes the lyrics, “I hope life treats you kind / And I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of / And I wish you joy and happiness / But above all this, I wish you love / And I… will always love you.” This expresses letting go out of love.
- In Colleen Hoover’s bestselling romance novel It Ends With Us, Lily reflects, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours. If they don’t, they never were.”
Analysis
This popular saying is an oversimplification – real relationships are complex and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. However, it does provide a helpful framework of how to think about commitment and freedom. Some key points of analysis:
- It places personal agency and autonomy as critical. Letting someone go is an act of respect for their independent wishes.
- It emphasizes that love should not be forced or coerced. True love thrives when both partners choose to be together.
- It advocates compromise. There is a middle ground between smothering someone and releasing them entirely.
- It requires trust in the strength of the bond. If you let someone go, you must believe they will come back of their own free will.
- It acknowledges that loss is part of love. Letting go can lead to reuniting or permanent separation – both outcomes are possible.
This phrase is widely resonant because it captures the complex duality many feel in romantic relationships – the desire for both intimacy and independence. It provides encouragement to find balance between holding on and letting go.
Conclusion
The saying “If you love someone, set them free” advocates giving loved ones space and freedom as an act of trust and respect. Originating from spiritual and religious teachings about non-attachment, it became popularized in the 20th century within romantic contexts. Though simple, its message – have faith that true love will endure life’s changes – still resonates today. This phrase captures the intricacy of navigating commitment while allowing autonomy in relationships. By letting go with love, we can perhaps lead our relationships to deeper mutual fulfillment.