When someone is talking to you, where you look can convey a lot about how engaged and interested you are in the conversation. Maintaining eye contact is important, but there are also other nonverbal cues that can demonstrate you are actively listening. In this article, we will explore the common places people look while conversing, the implications of different types of eye contact, and tips for making eye contact in a way that builds rapport.
Where our eyes tend to go
When you are having a conversation with someone, there are a few common places your eyes may drift:
Direct eye contact
Making direct eye contact with the person speaking is often considered the ideal. Looking directly into their eyes as they talk demonstrates your full attention. However, staring intensely without break can feel uncomfortable or aggressive. Brief moments of direct eye contact throughout the conversation, mixed with glancing away, is often best.
Around their face
It is also common to let your gaze move around the speaker’s face, while still maintaining a connection. Looking back and forth between their eyes, nose and mouth can still convey engaged listening. This allows you to take in their whole facial expressions.
Over their shoulder
Glancing just slightly over the shoulder of the person speaking can suggest you are contemplating their words. It signals you are actively processing what they are saying, without the intensity of a direct stare.
Down and away
When people are feeling uncomfortable, disinterested or distracted, their eyes often drift downwards or away. Looking at the floor, your hands, or off in the distance can convey a lack of focus and connection.
The impacts of eye contact
How and where you look at someone while they are speaking can influence the interaction in a variety of ways:
Shows interest
Consistent eye contact demonstrates you are interested in what the other person is saying. It shows you are fully engaged and attentive to their words.
Builds rapport
Eye contact helps establish rapport and connection between two people. It makes the interaction feel more personal and warm.
Creates trust
Looking someone in the eyes openly and genuinely helps build feelings of trust between two people. It conveys honesty and confidence.
Supports understanding
Maintaining eye contact can help you better understand someone. You are able to pick up on facial expressions and nonverbal cues that add meaning to their words.
Can feel aggressive
Too much direct staring without looking away can come across as aggressive or intimidating. This is especially true among people who do not know each other well.
Suggests disinterest
Frequently looking away or down suggests you are distracted, bored or uninterested in the interaction. This can offend the speaker.
Tips for making eye contact
Here are some tips for making appropriate, rapport-building eye contact when someone is speaking with you:
Focus on their eyes
Aim for making eye contact directly with their eyes a reasonable amount. Avoid fixating on their mouth, forehead or elsewhere.
Gaze, don’t stare
Make eye contact focused but relaxed. Avoid an intense, unwavering stare.
Look away periodically
Break direct eye contact every so often by glancing around or looking down briefly. This gives the other person a break too.
Watch for nonverbal cues
Note how the other person responds to your eye contact. Adjust if you notice discomfort.
Remember to blink
Blinking regularly helps keep eye contact natural and comfortable for both parties.
Nod and smile
Nodding and smiling while maintaining eye contact conveys warmth and encourages the speaker.
Avoid distractions
Limit multi-tasking and stay focused on the conversation, rather than letting your gaze wander.
How cultural background impacts eye contact
Views on proper eye contact vary across different cultural backgrounds:
| Culture | Eye Contact Norms |
|---|---|
| Mainstream American | Constant eye contact expected |
| Native American | Little eye contact as a sign of respect |
| Latin American | Less consistent eye contact |
| East Asian | Less direct eye contact out of politeness |
| Middle Eastern | Prolonged eye contact common, especially among same gender |
| Northern European | Sporadic, brief eye contact most common |
Be aware of cultural norms
Expectations around eye contact vary greatly between cultures. Be sensitive to other people’s cultural backgrounds when conversing.
Adjust your eye contact
Observe the other person’s preferences and aim to match their type of eye contact out of respect.
Ask if unsure
If you are uncertain what level of eye contact is appropriate, it is okay to politely ask how the other person prefers to be engaged with.
Eye contact in different situations
Beyond one-on-one conversations, eye contact plays a role in various communication settings:
Public speaking
When presenting to an audience, it is important to make eye contact with the whole room, scanning different sections periodically. Avoid fixating on just a few people.
Job interviews
Maintain frequent eye contact with the interviewer to convey confidence and interest in the role. But avoid staring intensely.
Confrontations
During a heated exchange, direct and prolonged eye contact can feel threatening. It is often better to keep the gaze a bit averted.
Video calls
Look directly at the camera regularly to mimic natural eye contact. Glancing at their face on screen helps you pick up on nonverbal cues.
Across a language barrier
More eye contact can help people understand each other when speaking different languages. Visual cues matter more.
Nonverbal communication beyond eye contact
While eye contact plays a central role, other nonverbal signals also impact conversations:
Facial expressions
Raising eyebrows, smiling, frowning and other facial expressions add additional meaning to your words.
Posture
Sitting up straight and leaning in slightly conveys engagement. Slouching can suggest boredom.
Gestures
Hand motions and gestures help emphasize important points. They add energy and interest to a discussion.
Tone of voice
Your tone, volume, cadence and pitch while speaking greatly affects how your message is received.
Physical distance
Respecting someone’s personal space makes them more comfortable. Getting too close can feel threatening.
Conclusion
Eye contact is a vital nonverbal cue when communicating. Aim for engaged, sustained eye contact intermixed with glancing away to avoid staring uncomfortably. Be aware of cultural norms, and complement eye contact with positive facial expressions, posture and tone. Through appropriate eye contact and nonverbal signals, you can build strong rapport with conversational partners.