Narcissists tend to seek out certain types of people to build relationships with. Understanding the characteristics that narcissists look for can help us recognize unhealthy patterns and protect ourselves from manipulative and abusive relationships.
Why do narcissists seek out relationships?
Narcissists have an excessive need for attention and admiration. They crave positive supply from others to help regulate their own self-esteem and fragile sense of self. Relationships provide narcissists with a continuous source of this narcissistic supply.
Additionally, narcissists use relationships as a way to exert control and feel powerful. By manipulating and exploiting their partners, they are able to fulfill their desires for dominance.
What qualities do narcissists look for in a partner?
When seeking new sources of supply, narcissists tend to target individuals who demonstrate certain traits and vulnerabilities. Some key qualities that narcissists look for include:
- Empathy – Caring, compassionate people are more willing to cater to the narcissist’s needs.
- Agreeableness – Narcissists seek partners who are conflict avoidant and highly accommodating.
- Low self-esteem – Those with poor self-image are easier targets for narcissistic abuse.
- Over-giving nature – Excessively generous people provide ample supply to the narcissist.
- Naiveté – Individuals who are trusting and innocent are easily charmed and manipulated.
- Insecurity – Partners who feel unworthy make the narcissist feel superior.
- Ambition – Narcissists search for ambitious targets they can ride the coattails of.
- Shared interests – Narcissists look for those who share their interests and can provide subject-specific supply (i.e. an artistic partner for an artistic narcissist).
How do narcissists spot these traits?
Narcissists have finely tuned radar for scoping out ultra-giving, compliant targets. Some of the ways they identify ideal targets include:
- Observing who puts others first and caters to people’s demands
- Noting who appears eager to please and avoid conflict
- Assessing who seems starstruck by the narcissist’s charm and personality
- Identifying who compulsively reveals personal information too quickly
- Spotting those with low self-confidence or who self-deprecate
- Testing people’s boundaries to see who struggles saying “no”
Idealization phase
Once a narcissist has identified a potential source of supply, they will initiate an idealization phase. During this period, the narcissist showers the target with extreme flattery, adoration, gifts and praise. The partner is made to feel like the most special, beautiful, intelligent person in the world.
This idealization is ultimately a manipulation tactic. By building the partner up, the narcissist hopes to secure their admiration and devotion as ongoing supply. The lavish praise also convinces the target to lower their defenses and emotionally invest in the relationship.
Why do empaths attract narcissists?
Empaths possess high levels of empathy and compassion – traits that narcissists ruthlessly exploit. Empaths try to see the good in everyone, which leaves them vulnerable to narcissists who fake charm and kindheartedness. Here’s a closer look at why empaths are irresistible narcissistic supply:
- Willingness to nurture and care for the narcissist’s needs
- Making endless excuses for the narcissist’s bad behavior
- Feeling too much guilt to set boundaries or say no
- Taking on the emotional burdens of others
- Difficulty detaching from toxic relationships
- Eagerness to fix and heal the narcissist
Why codependents are targeted by narcissists
Codependents tend to possess many of the qualities narcissists look for in supply. Their extreme caretaking, low self-worth, passivity, and poor boundaries make them prime targets. Reasons why codependents appeal to narcissists include:
- Willingness to put the narcissist’s needs first
- Feeling responsible for the narcissist’s emotions and actions
- Having difficulties saying no or setting boundaries
- Seeking external validation from the narcissist
- Taking on far more than their share of responsibilities
- Making endless sacrifices to please the narcissist
How narcissists exploit vulnerabilities
Once a narcissist has secured a target, they use a range of tactics to exploit the person’s vulnerabilities and extract narcissistic supply:
- They deploy guilt trips, gaslighting or rage to get their way.
- They shower their victim with praise one minute, then devalue them the next.
- They sabotage their target’s self-esteem through put downs and comparisons.
- They twist their victim’s insecurities into weapons.
- They alternatively withhold affection or bombard their victim with love.
- They deplete their victim’s resources for personal gain.
This exploitation allows the narcissist to gain attention, control, obedience, status and other things they crave from the relationship.
Warning signs you are with a narcissist
Wondering if you might be in a relationship with someone high in narcissistic traits? Here are some common warning signs:
- They charm and flatter you excessively early on
- They manipulate you with guilt trips and gaslighting
- They explode with anger or rage when challenged
- They blame you for their mistakes or shortcomings
- They demand constant praise and admiration
- They make you feel like you can never live up to their expectations
- They discourage you from spending time with friends and family
- They have an overly inflated sense of talent or entitlement
- They lack empathy and never apologize
- They sabotage your confidence and self-esteem
Establishing strong boundaries
If you wish to remain in contact with a narcissist, it is essential to establish strong personal boundaries. This can help you avoid supplying the narcissist with what they want at your own expense. Some tips include:
- Recognize requests that overstep your limits and say no
- Don’t take responsibility for the narcissist’s emotions or needs
- Keep interactions brief, positive and superficial
- Limit the amount of information you share
- Let go of trying to change, heal or understand the narcissist
- Refuse to engage with guilt trips, criticism or drama
- Spend time with other supportive people
Though establishing boundaries does not necessarily end the abuse, it can help protect you from some of the manipulative tactics.
Should you stay or leave the relationship?
If you are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, it is generally recommended to leave the relationship. Narcissists are unable to have healthy, equal partnerships. Reasons to seriously consider exiting the relationship include:
- The abuse is escalating over time.
- Your self-esteem and mental health are deteriorating.
- Your needs are always coming last in the relationship.
- The narcissist resists or undermines therapy or change efforts.
- The relationship is draining you emotionally, physically, financially.
- The narcissist is exposing any children to dysfunctional dynamics.
Leaving a narcissist can be incredibly challenging due to trauma bonds that form. It’s important to reconnect with your support network, seek counseling, and develop a safe exit plan when preparing to leave.
Healing after narcissistic abuse
Recovering after narcissistic abuse can be a long and painful journey due to the deep emotional trauma inflicted. Some tips that can aid healing:
- Seek counseling with a therapist familiar with narcissistic abuse.
- Develop a support network to validate your experiences.
- Work on rebuilding your self-confidence and self-esteem.
- Learn to set healthy boundaries and identify red flags.
- Be gentle with yourself and allow time to grieve.
- Join a support group to connect with other survivors.
- Limit or cease contact with the narcissist whenever possible.
- Engage in relaxing, self-care activities to release trauma.
While the road to recovery can feel long and difficult, many survivors of narcissistic abuse are able to heal, regain their happiness and build healthy relationships with time and effort.
Conclusion
Narcissists intentionally seek out generous, trusting and empathetic individuals who they can exploit for supply. Targets are made to feel special at first through excessive flattery and praise. Once emotionally invested, the narcissist begins employing manipulative, abusive tactics, like gaslighting, blame-shifting and extracting unreasonable favors. Recognizing the red flags early on and establishing firm boundaries can help protect against narcissistic abuse and trauma. Whenever possible, exiting unhealthy relationships with narcissists is recommended to begin healing.