Apologizing can be challenging. Even when you have the best intentions, it’s easy to say the wrong thing and make the situation worse. Certain phrases and attitudes can undermine your apology and fail to convey genuine remorse. As you craft an apology, there are several things you should avoid saying.
Don’t Make Excuses
When you apologize, the focus should be on taking responsibility for your actions. Making excuses shifts blame away from yourself and tries to justify your behavior. Even if there were circumstances that led to your actions, explanations will seem like a cop-out.
For example, saying “I’m sorry I missed our meeting, but my alarm didn’t go off” still places blame on the alarm. A better approach is, “I sincerely apologize for missing our meeting. I should have double-checked that my alarm was set properly. It was irresponsible of me, and it won’t happen again.”
Don’t Use the Word “But”
The word “but” often negates an apology. Using it suggests that there are qualifiers or exceptions to your regret. For instance, “I’m sorry I said that, but I was having a bad day” comes across like the bad day somehow justifies the remark.
Instead of using “but,” reword to focus fully on the apology: “I deeply apologize for what I said. I was having a bad day, but that’s no excuse for my hurtful words.”
Don’t Expect Forgiveness
It’s important not to apologize with the expectation of being forgiven. The other person may need time to process their emotions before they are ready to forgive. Apologize without strings or hopes attached.
Phrases like “I hope you can forgive me” or “I’d really like us to move on from this” add pressure. The person may feel manipulated or obligated to absolve you faster than they want. Let your apology stand alone as a genuine statement of regret.
Don’t Add Obligations
As you apologize, avoid making promises or adding obligations for the other person. Saying things like “I hope you’ll accept my apology” or “Let me know if you can get over this” places a burden on them.
They may feel like they now owe you a response, forgiveness, or some indication of absolution. Keep the focus on your actions and your remorse. Phrases like “I understand if you need time” or “You deserve an apology” express humility and compassion without obligations.
Don’t Downplay Your Actions
Minimizing your offense will make an apology seem insincere. Avoid trying to reduce the seriousness of what you did with phrases like:
- “It was just a little mistake.”
- “I only did it once.”
- “It wasn’t a big deal.”
Even if these qualifiers are technically true, they dismiss the significance of the situation and the person’s feelings. Take full accountability without justifications or excuses.
Don’t Seek Validation
When apologizing, avoid self-pity or seeking praise. Saying things like “You know I’m not usually like this” or “I’m really a nice person, though” puts the focus on you instead of the person you harmed.
The apology should not be about making yourself feel better or eliciting reassurance from the other person. Keep the focus on regret for your actions, not redemption of your character.
Conclusion
A sincere, effective apology focuses on remorse and responsibility. Avoid dodging blame, obligating forgiveness, dismissing harm, or seeking validation. With sensitivity and humility, you can apologize in a way that facilitates forgiveness, growth, and reconciliation.
Examples of Good and Bad Apology Language
Here are some examples comparing ineffective phrases to apologize with better alternatives:
| Ineffective Phrase | Better Alternative |
|---|---|
| I’m sorry, but you know I’ve been under a lot of stress. | I sincerely apologize. I know that stress is no justification for how I behaved. |
| I hope you can forgive me for missing the event. | I deeply regret that I missed such an important event. I know that my absence impacted many people. |
| I want us to move on from this argument. | I apologize unreservedly for the hurtful things I said during our argument. I don’t expect immediate forgiveness, but I hope we can eventually heal and rebuild trust. |
| I’m really not that kind of person. You know I would never hurt you on purpose. | I take full responsibility for my actions. What I did was unacceptable and out of character. You did not deserve to be treated that way. |
With mindful wording, you can craft an apology that demonstrates genuine remorse rather than deflection. Focus on accountability, compassion, and humility as you take steps to repair the situation.
Steps to Take After Apologizing
A good apology is only the beginning. Here are some suggestions for things you can do after apologizing to promote healing and change:
- Give the person time and space if needed.
- Listen without being defensive if they express hurt or anger.
- Follow through on making amends and changing behavior.
- Express appreciation if they choose to reconcile.
- Respect their needs if they cannot forgive yet or at all.
- Learn from your mistakes and think how to avoid repeats.
- Examine what led to your actions and address the root causes.
- Make systemic changes if it was an organizational or collective failure.
A sincere apology should be part of a broader effort to right wrongs and engage in personal or collective growth. Even if forgiveness is not immediate, demonstrating understanding and a commitment to change can help heal wounds over time.
Things to Avoid When Forgiven
If you are fortunate enough that the person accepts your apology, there are still some things you should be cautious of:
- Don’t take forgiveness for granted. Recognize it as a generous gift.
- Don’t assume everything instantly goes back to how it was.
- Don’t keep harping on the situation or demanding reassurance.
- Don’t hold the forgiveness over them or try to guilt them.
- Don’t expect the person to instantly get over any anger or pain.
- Don’t think forgiveness means there are no lingering effects.
Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Healing takes time, so remain patient, understanding and appreciative of the person’s choice to reconcile.
When to Consider Professional Help
In some cases, outside intervention may be needed. Consider couples counseling, group mediation or other professional help for:
- Patterns of abuse or toxicity in a relationship.
- Trauma from serious betrayal, violence, infidelity.
- Repeated destructive arguments and behaviors.
- Inability to move forward after apologies and forgiveness.
- Situations where one party is unwilling to admit wrongs or apologize.
- Lingering feelings of resentment, bitterness, or desire for vengeance.
While apologies can be powerful, they have limits. Counseling can help you:
- Work through complex emotional obstacles.
- Learn healthy communication and conflict resolution.
- Establish boundaries and expectations.
- Determine if reconciliation is possible/wise.
- Facilitate interventions with toxic individuals.
- Unpack deep-rooted issues perpetuating problems.
- Obtain closure if the situation cannot improve.
In unhealthy relationships or traumatic situations, an apology alone may be inadequate. Seek support to address any underlying factors and establish the safety needed to move forward.
Conclusion
Apologizing well involves facing what you did wrong, taking full responsibility, acknowledging harm done, and avoiding excuses or self-pity. Follow up your apology with changed behavior, not demands. Understand that forgiveness takes time and may have lingering effects. With patience and care, accountability can be restorative.