Narcissists are known for their grandiose sense of self, lack of empathy, and exploitative behaviors. They can be challenging to have relationships with and often leave a trail of hurt feelings and broken connections in their wake. This raises the question – do narcissists ever regret their actions and feel remorse for the pain they’ve caused others? Keep reading to learn what the research shows about narcissists and regret.
Do narcissists feel remorse or regret?
Experts say that in general, narcissists are less likely to feel remorse or regret for their actions. Here’s why:
- Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and feel entitled to special treatment, so they don’t see anything wrong with using or taking advantage of others.
- They lack empathy and have a limited ability to understand others’ perspectives or feelings.
- They externalize blame, so when things go wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault.
- They prioritize their own needs and goals over developing caring relationships.
That said, some research indicates narcissists may be capable of feeling regret under certain circumstances:
When they experience an ego threat
Narcissists are hypersensitive to ego threats – anything that challenges their grandiose self-image. Studies show when narcissists’ egos are threatened, they experience self-conscious emotions like regret and shame. They mainly regret that their inflated self-image has been punctured, not so much that they hurt others.
When something interferes with their goals
Narcissists tend to regret actions that undermine their ability to exploit people for their own gain. For example, if being overly aggressive damages their reputation or costs them status, they may regret it.
As they age
Some research indicates narcissism declines with age. As narcissists enter their 40s and 50s, some seem to gain more awareness of how their behaviors impact others. With maturity, they may regret past actions.
What does it take for a narcissist to regret their actions?
True remorse and regret requires empathy – the ability to understand others’ perspectives and feel compassion for their suffering. Many psychologists believe narcissists are deficient in empathy.
However, narcissists aren’t incapable of change. With insight, self-awareness, and a desire to relate better to others, narcissists can learn to tap into their empathy and experience genuine regret. Here are keys to making this shift:
1. Acknowledge the problem
Narcissists must admit they engage in unhealthy, damaging behaviors and acknowledge the negative impact their actions have on others.
2. Take accountability
They must take full accountability for their behaviors rather than blaming others. This means owning up to being manipulative, dishonest, selfish, or exploitative.
3. Work on self-awareness
To understand how their narcissism hurts others, narcissists need self-knowledge and awareness. Therapy and introspection can increase insight.
4. Develop concern for others
Narcissists must learn to look beyond their own desires and agendas and open themselves up to others’ needs and feelings.
5. Practice new behaviors
With their therapist’s help, narcissists can practice new empathic, accountable behaviors that foster trust and intimacy in relationships.
Why don’t narcissists regret using people?
Narcissists often use and take advantage of people with little remorse. Why is that? Here are some of the key reasons:
Lack of empathy
One of the hallmarks of narcissism is a lack of empathy and interest in connecting with others emotionally. This makes it easier for narcissists to use people without considering their feelings.
Sense of entitlement
Narcissists feel entitled to special treatment and privileges. This makes them likely to exploit others without remorse to get their needs met.
Feelings of superiority
Narcissists think very highly of themselves and look down on others. It’s easy for them to use “inferior” people because they don’t respect others as equals.
Victim mentality
Narcissists view themselves as victims. This means they feel justified in getting back at the world by using people before others can use them.
Addiction to narcissistic supply
Exploiting others provides narcissists with a sense of power, specialness and control – a psychological “high” they crave. They become addicted to this narcissistic supply.
Do narcissists regret losing relationships?
Narcissists tend to have unstable relationships that eventually fall apart, often because of their own toxic behaviors. Do they regret the loss of these relationships? Research suggests:
- Narcissists may regret the loss of a relationship that bolsters their ego and self-esteem. But they likely don’t miss the person.
- Narcissists hate losing, so they may regret the loss of a relationship that reinforces their sense of superiority.
- The loss of an important relationship may threaten their reputation. This can provoke regret.
- Narcissists are unlikely to regret hurting or losing someone they devalued or discarded.
Overall, research indicates narcissists’ regret tends to be self-focused rather than genuine concern for the impact on their former partner. They mainly rue the blow to their ego.
Can a narcissist regret cheating?
Many narcissists serially cheat on their romantic partners. This leaves their partners feeling devastated and betrayed. But do narcissists feel remorse for cheating?
In general, experts say narcissists are unlikely to regret or feel guilty about cheating. Here’s why:
- They lack empathy and don’t understand or care about their partner’s feelings.
- They feel entitled to pursue pleasure and excitement outside the relationship.
- Affairs provide an ego boost and a sense of power over their deceived partner.
- They externalize blame, telling themselves their partner drove them to cheat.
However, narcissists may regret cheating if:
- Their partner discovers the affair and retaliates or leaves the relationship.
- The affair threatens the family unit or their social reputation.
- Their partner cuts off their access to financial resources, social status, etc.
Even then, the regret tends to be centered on themselves, not genuine remorse for betraying their partner.
Do narcissists regret discarding former partners?
Narcissists often abruptly discard former romantic partners, leaving them shocked, brokenhearted and confused. This cruel devaluation occurs when the partner is no longer feeding the narcissist’s ego.
Experts say narcissists generally do not regret discarding former partners. Here’s why:
- Once narcissists devalue someone, that person becomes worthless and invisible to them.
- They lack empathy, so they don’t consider the emotional trauma discarding causes.
- Letting go of someone who is no longer useful helps them assert their power.
- Moving on to a new source of narcissistic supply is more exciting.
In rare cases, narcissists may later regret discarding an old partner if:
- They realize the person boosted their self-esteem more than the new partner.
- Their reputation suffers when others find out how badly they treated their ex.
- They lose access to valuable resources the ex-partner provided.
Even then, the regret is often short-lived as the narcissist soon becomes consumed with their new target.
Do narcissists regret being called out?
Loved ones of narcissists often reach their limit and confront the narcissist about their hurtful behaviors. However, calling out a narcissist seldom inspires regret. Here’s why:
- Narcissists hate having their false self exposed. Being called out triggers rage and defensiveness.
- They invalidate criticism, often accusing their partner of being “too sensitive.”
- They view the confrontation as an attack and retaliate to reestablish dominance.
- They feel entitled to act as they please and reject demands for accountability.
In rare instances, being called out may threaten the narcissist’s reputation enough that they regret their actions. But their regret is usually centered on repairing their image rather than sincere concern for their partner’s feelings.
Do narcissists regret hurting people?
Narcissists often leave a trail of emotional devastation in their wake, not seeming to care who they hurt along their path. But do they ever regret being cruel or hurting others? In general, research suggests:
- Narcissists lack empathy, so they don’t appreciate how deeply their actions impact others.
- They feel entitled to pursue their wants regardless of consequences to people.
- Obtaining power, status, and gratification matters more to them than being kind.
- They externalize blame and fault others for provoking them.
Narcissists may regret hurting people if:
- It causes a meaningful personal or social penalty they can’t ignore.
- It damages their reputation and costs them stature.
- The victim’s suffering impinges on their usual state of indifference.
- They gain insight into how needlessly cruel their actions were.
Even then, the regret tends to be fleeting and superficial rather than heartfelt remorse resulting in meaningful change.
Do narcissists regret emotional abuse?
Narcissistic partners often perpetrate emotional abuse through manipulative, controlling, demeaning behaviors. Experts say narcissists generally don’t regret emotionally abusing romantic partners. Reasons include:
- Their sense of superiority justifies dominating their partner.
- They feel entitled to vent their anger however they wish.
- They lack empathy and don’t appreciate the depth of their partner’s suffering.
- Belittling their partner helps manage their envy and shame.
In some instances, narcissists may regret emotionally abusing a partner if:
- The partner leaves or threatens to leave them over it.
- Their social circle finds out and judges them harshly.
- A therapist or spiritual counselor convinces them to change.
- They realize they’ve become the emotionally abusive parent they hated.
Even then, the regret tends to be temporary and superficial unless paired with intensive therapy and a true desire to change.
Conclusion
In summary, research indicates that narcissists generally lack the empathy and self-awareness needed for genuine regret or remorse. However, under certain circumstances, they may experience limited regret if their actions threaten their inflated self-image or social standing. With insight into their disorder and motivation to change, developing empathy is possible, allowing true remorse to emerge. But this requires intense commitment to therapeutic growth. Otherwise, any regret narcissists display is usually fleeting and self-centered rather than heartfelt.