The silent treatment, sometimes referred to as the cold shoulder, is when someone purposefully ignores another person or gives them the cold shoulder by refusing to acknowledge them verbally or through other forms of communication. It can be used as a manipulative tactic in relationships or as a passive-aggressive form of communication. The silent treatment may be administered consciously or unconsciously as a means to punish, manipulate, avoid confrontation or communication, and inflict pain on the other party.
Those Who Give Silent Treatment
Giving the silent treatment is typically employed by those who struggle with communicating their thoughts, needs, and emotions in an assertive manner. The kinds of people who often use this approach include:
- People with passive-aggressive tendencies
- People who avoid conflict
- People who struggle with emotional regulation
- People who lack communication and coping skills
- Narcissists and abusers
Let’s explore each of these personality types and motivations in more detail:
Passive-Aggressive People
Passive aggression represents a pattern of indirectly expressing negative emotions instead of openly addressing them. People who are passive-aggressive may stubbornly avoid direct communication and opt to use manipulation and subversive actions to express their dissatisfaction.
The silent treatment is one of the most common tools in the passive-aggressive arsenal. It allows them to punish others and make their displeasure known without having to directly express themselves and take responsibility for their feelings. They can feel in control by rejecting communication and watching how the other person squirms with confusion.
Conflict-Avoidant People
Many who give the silent treatment do so to avoid an uncomfortable conversation or conflict. They may feel overwhelmed by the prospect of openly expressing their thoughts and confronting relationship problems.
By avoiding communication, the person delays or sidesteps the conflict entirely. They may hope the problem will disappear if they bury their head in the sand long enough. Of course, important relationship issues rarely resolve on their own without communication.
Some conflict-avoidant folks also worry that speaking up will damage the relationship or provoke an argument. So they default to silence as the “safer” option, even though it causes harm in the long run.
People Who Struggle With Emotional Regulation
Some people have trouble handling strong emotions like anger, hurt, and resentment. When they feel overwhelmed by these upsetting feelings, they may have trouble expressing themselves constructively.
Lashing out or having a blow up seems unwise, so they opt for total silence instead. Stonewalling and ignoring someone allows them to hurt or punish the other person without visibly losing control of their emotions. It also gives them time to cool down from heated emotions before attempting to communicate again.
People Who Lack Communication Skills
We aren’t all born master communicators. Some people simply lack the skills to effectively convey their thoughts, needs, and feelings. They might stay silent because they don’t know how to voice their perspective without causing more tension. Or they feel too tongue-tied or anxious to speak up.
Without assertive communication abilities, it’s tempting to avoid uncomfortable conversations altogether through silence and withdrawal. Unfortunately, this doesn’t lead to greater understanding. And their silence speaks volumes still.
Narcissists and Abusers
In toxic relationships, the silent treatment is often used as an abusive power play. Narcissists, manipulators, and abusers utilize silence and rejection to control their victims. By randomly withdrawing communication and affection, they condition the other person to work harder for their attention. The victim becomes increasingly insecure and desperate to please their partner.
This creates a vicious cycle where the abuser withholds to generate anxiety and uncertainty. Then when the victim tries to appease them, the abuser feels in control. Once bored or upset again, they revert back to silence and rejection, starting the toxic pattern over. This emotional abuse takes a serious toll on mental health.
Reasons People Give Silent Treatment
Though the silent treatment always inflicts harm on relationships and communication, the motivations behind it vary. Here are some common reasons someone might give another person the cold shoulder:
To Communicate Displeasure
Withdrawing from communication can signal that someone is upset with you or unhappy about something you did. Without verbalizing their feelings, the silent treatment conveys the message, “I’m not pleased with you right now.” The lack of interaction replaces the need for them to actually talk about what’s bothering them.
To Punish the Other Person
Refusing to talk to someone can feel extremely painful and isolating, like social rejection. When someone cuts off conversation and connection, it also halts emotional intimacy and affection. For this reason, the silent treatment is an effective way to punish someone, especially within romantic relationships.
To Avoid Conflict and Tension
Staying silent circumvents the need to actually address problems and voice grievances. Clamming up allows someone to avoid an uncomfortable confrontation or discussion. Of course, this sweeps issues under the rug instead of working through them.
To Return the Treatment
Sometimes people mirror the silent treatment back to others out of spite or revenge. So if someone gave them the cold shoulder first, they return the favor by ignoring them back as punishment.
To End a Relationship
Cutting off all communication with someone can signal the termination of a relationship. The lack of chatting or responding to messages shows the person is no longer interested in maintaining contact. This indirect method avoids the need to clearly state that the relationship is over.
To Manipulate and Abuse
In toxic relationships, silence often gets used to control and destabilize victims. Narcissists and abusers employ random bouts of the silent treatment to induce feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and dependency. This emotionally abusive tactic keeps the other person on eggshells.
To Cool Down
Sometimes people need space from each other to calm down and manage difficult emotions. Taking a temporary break from interacting allows heated feelings to settle before reconnecting again. However, it becomes problematic when used as an ongoing threat or punishment.
Due to Poor Communication Skills
Some people default to silence simply because they don’t possess the communication tools to resolve conflict in a healthier manner. Without assertiveness training or practice expressing needs and feelings, the silent treatment becomes their go-to response.
Because of Mental Health Issues
Certain mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and personality disorders may also contribute to withdrawals and avoidance of communication. Mental health symptoms impair some peoples’ ability to cope and verbalize their thoughts and emotions effectively.
Negative Effects of Silent Treatment
Though sometimes a brief period of silence can help both parties cool off, generally the silent treatment harms relationships much more than it helps. Here are some of the negative consequences:
Breeds More Conflict
Rather than solving problems, the silent treatment simply sweeps issues under the rug. This leads to a pressure cooker effect where tensions continue to build, eventually exploding in increased arguments or further avoidance.
Creates Emotional Distance
Lack of communication deteriorates emotional bonds and intimacy between people. Sitting in silence leads to feelings of isolation, disconnection, and resentment on both sides.
Generates Negative Emotions
Stonewalling often makes the recipient feel distressed emotions like anxiety, anger, uncertainty, loneliness, shame, and desperation. The sender may also experience guilt, spitefulness, and a sense of power or control.
Impairs Mental Health
Ongoing cold shouldering and lack of affection damages both parties’ self-esteem and well-being. It takes a toll on mental health, especially when used as a form of emotional abuse.
Inhibits Conflict Resolution
Without communication, disagreements go unresolved. The silent treatment obstructs working through differences in perspective needed to find common ground.
Breeds Resentment
Both people end up feeling resentful; the sender for perceived wrongdoing by the recipient, and the recipient for being punished and ignored. This resentment poisons the relationship further.
Creates Power Struggles
Both people dig their heels in more, trying to force the other to give in. This dogged battle of wills damages trust and cooperation.
Masks Deeper Issues
Rather than getting to the root problem, silence conceals the real underlying issues. Important concerns, fears, and needs get buried instead of addressed.
How to Deal with Silent Treatment
No one deserves to endure the harmful repercussions of long-term silence and rejection. Here are some tips for addressing stonewalling or silent treatment within relationships:
Point Out the Silence
Resist pleading for a response. Calmly observe aloud to the person that they seem to be giving you the silent treatment or cold shoulder. Ask them to talk to you about what’s going on.
Request a Time-Out
Suggest temporarily taking a break from discussion while you both cool off, if emotions feel heated. Revisit talking once you’ve had some space.
Speak Your Truth
Respectfully express how their lack of communication affects you and the relationship. Explain your needs and boundaries.
Focus on Self-Care
Reduce contact with the person if they continue stonewalling. Invest your energy into other fulfilling relationships and activities instead.
Consider Counseling
Silent treatments often signify deeper issues like chronic conflict avoidance or abuse. Seek couples counseling if your partner stonewalls repeatedly.
Set Boundaries
Make clear that you will not tolerate ongoing silent treatments or emotional abuse. Consider ending the relationship if necessary to protect your well-being.
Healthier Communication Approaches
While momentary quiet reflection can sometimes be useful, the silent treatment is rarely the best approach. Here are some healthier communication alternatives:
“I” Statements
Use “I” statements to express your own perspective and feelings rather than attacking the other. For example, “I feel concerned when you don’t return my calls. I need more reassurance in our relationship.”
Compassionate Listening
Let your partner share without interruption, then summarize their viewpoint respectfully before sharing yours. Listen with empathy, not just to respond.
Conflict Resolution Steps
Brainstorm mutually agreeable solutions, compromise where you can, and agree on next steps. Resolve conflicts through collaboration, not punishment.
Nonviolent Communication
Communicate needs compassionately without judgment. For instance, “I’m feeling irritated because I need more quiet time in the evenings.”
Assertive Communication
Confidently and directly express your thoughts, needs, and boundaries while also respecting others. Don’t hint or stay silent hoping they’ll read your mind.
Take a Break
If emotions escalate, suggest taking 20 minutes to calm down before continuing the conversation. Revisit talking with cooler heads.
Reflective Listening
Paraphrase the other person’s key points to show you understand their perspective before expressing yours. Seek understanding, even in disagreement.
Conclusion
While occasionally avoiding communication temporarily can help de-escalate tensions, the silent treatment is too often used maliciously or passive-aggressively. This leaves both parties feeling hurt, confused, and resentful. Direct, compassionate communication that seeks mutual understanding provides the only path to resolving conflicts and strengthening relationships over the long-term. Consider counseling to learn better communication strategies if you or your partner habitually resort to silence.