The pause method is an effective parenting technique that involves taking a brief pause before reacting to your child’s behavior. This pause gives you time to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting hastily out of anger or frustration. Pausing allows you to model self-control and gives you space to consider the best way to address the situation.
Why should parents pause before reacting?
There are several benefits to pausing before reacting as a parent:
- It prevents you from saying or doing something you’ll regret. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to overreact in a way that is hurtful to your child. Pausing gives your rational mind a chance to catch up.
- It models self-control and emotional intelligence. By demonstrating you can pause before reacting, you teach your child how to deal with strong emotions in a healthy way.
- It gives you time to respond in a thoughtful, intentional way. You can consider what might be motivating your child’s behavior and the best strategy for addressing it.
- It allows emotions to diffuse. Taking a breather for even 10-30 seconds helps both you and your child calm down.
- It sets the tone for your relationship. Children whose parents are reactive often become reactive themselves. Pausing breaks this cycle.
Pausing is especially important when you feel yourself getting upset, as it prevents you from taking your own stress and emotions out on your child. It’s a simple but powerful parenting tool.
How to pause before reacting
Using the pause method is straightforward, but does take practice. Here are some tips:
- Recognize your triggers. What types of behaviors tend to trigger an immediate reaction from you? Being aware can help you remember to pause.
- Pay attention to your body. Physical signs like tensed muscles, changes in breathing, clenched fists, or a racing heart all signal rising emotion. Use this as a cue to pause.
- Buy yourself time. Say out loud “I need to pause for a minute” or “Let’s both take a breather.” Even 10 seconds can diffuse the situation.
- Step away briefly. If needed, leave the room and collect yourself before continuing the conversation.
- Focus on your senses. Notice 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear. This helps calm your nervous system.
- Take some deep breaths. Inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6. Repeat until you feel more centered.
- Ask yourself key questions. What is my child feeling? What do they need right now? What will be effective in this situation?
The exact pause method you use isn’t important. The key is giving yourself a chance to respond thoughtfully versus reactively.
What to do during the pause
How you utilize the pause makes a big difference. Here are constructive things to do during your 10-60 second pause:
- Reflect on what might be driving your child’s behavior. Are they tired, hungry, stressed, seeking attention or expressing a need?
- Consider your child’s temperament and unique personality. Different children need different responses.
- Ask yourself what your child is trying to communicate, even if it’s coming out as misbehavior.
- Think through what type of response would be calm, firm, understanding and address the root issue.
- Mentally rehearse how you will respond – both your words and tone of voice.
- Release any tension or anger you feel through deep breathing.
The goal is to respond in a way that both addresses the situation and preserves your relationship with your child. The pause gives you time for reflection so you can react in a thoughtful, intentional way.
Examples of using the pause method
To better understand how to use the pause method of parenting, let’s look at some real life examples:
Your child shouts at you
Instead of immediately scolding them, pause and take some deep breaths. Calmly say “I see you’re angry, but it’s not okay to shout at me. Let’s talk about this.”
Your child refuses to do their chores
Pause and consider reasons they may be resistant. Then say “I know you don’t want to do chores right now. Let’s compromise – you just work for 10 minutes and then you can have free time.”
Your child throws a tantrum in public
Pause to stay calm, then say “I hear you’re really upset. Let’s go outside for a minute to help you feel better.” Remove them from the situation and help them regulate.
Your child hits their sibling
Pause and say firmly “We don’t hit. Take a break to calm down. Then we’ll talk.” Let them reflect on their actions.
Your child breaks a house rule
Pause to consider why they broke the rule and their perspective. Then explain the rule, discuss consequences, and redirect their behavior.
These examples demonstrate how even a brief pause completely changes your response. You have time to understand the root cause of behaviors and address issues in a calm, constructive way.
Benefits of the pause method
Using the pause technique offers many benefits for both parents and children:
- Helps parents manage their own stress and reactions.
- Models emotional intelligence and self-regulation.
- Leads to fewer conflicts and power struggles.
- Allows empathy, insight and problem-solving.
- Teaches kids to handle anger and frustration appropriately.
- Helps identify root causes of behavior.
- Builds a nurturing, understanding relationship.
- Teaches kids paused responses versus impulsive reactions.
Research shows responsive parenting focused on teaching rather than punishing leads to better behavior over the long-term. The pause technique exemplifies this type of respectful, thoughtful discipline.
Common mistakes with the pause method
Like any technique, the pause method can be misused. Here are some common mistakes to avoid:
- Pausing just to fuel your anger – the time should be used to calm down.
- Lecturing or scolding during the pause – stay neutral.
- Letting your mind go blank instead of planning your response.
- Rushing your pause because it feels awkward.
- Letting your child resume misbehavior during the pause.
- Not setting limits after pausing.
- Using a sarcastic or frustrated tone when responding.
- Assuming your child will reflect on their actions during your pause.
Avoid seeing the pause as wasted time. Use it constructively to gain perspective and respond in a reasonable, caring way.
How long should your pause be?
There is no magic pause length that works for every situation and child. However, some general guidelines are:
- 10-30 seconds for minor issues to diffuse emotions.
- 1 minute or more for escalating situations to completely reset.
- Up to 5 minutes for serious conflicts before responding.
- Longer natural breaks in conversation to revisit an issue.
Toddlers and young children often need shorter pauses to stay regulated. Length may depend on your child’s maturity, behavior and your discipline objectives.
You may need to start with very brief pauses of 10 seconds and gradually increase your ability to pause. What matters most is your child sensing your thoughtful presence, not the specific duration.
Getting better at pausing
Developing the pause reflex takes time and intention. Some tips for improving your ability to pause include:
- Start by pausing before reacting to minor irritations.
- Notice physical cues and make pausing a habit.
- Accept imperfection. Your early attempts may feel awkward.
- Use tools like counting down from 10 or visualization.
- If you react impulsively, circle back after pausing.
- Discuss the concept of pausing with your co-parent.
- Explain the technique to your child at a calm time.
- Congratulate yourself for successful pauses, even if brief.
Like any habit, pausing will feel unnatural at first. But with regular practice, it becomes your new normal. Be patient with yourself as you adopt this skill.
Conclusion
Pausing before reacting allows parents to discipline thoughtfully rather than impulsively. It demonstrates emotional control, models important skills and leads to better outcomes. While simple in concept, pausing takes mindfulness and practice. The effort is well worth it for more peaceful parenting.
By taking just 10-60 seconds before responding to your child’s behavior, you create space for empathy, problem-solving and a loving relationship. The pause may feel awkward at first, but quickly becomes a game-changer.