We’ve all experienced it – saying one thing but then doing something completely different. You tell your friend you’ll be there to help them move apartments, but then flake at the last minute. You accept an invitation to a party, but then decide not to go. There’s a disconnect between what you’ve stated you’ll do and how you actually behave. So what exactly do you call this incongruence between words and actions? There are a few common phrases that capture this concept.
Hypocrisy
One of the most common terms is hypocrisy. Hypocrisy refers to pretending to have virtues, beliefs, feelings, or qualities that your actions contradict. For example, a manager tells employees that the company values work-life balance. But then she expects employees to be available nights and weekends and shames those who push back. The manager is being hypocritical by advocating one thing but doing another.
Some key features of hypocrisy:
- There is intentional deception – the hypocrite knows their words don’t match their actions.
- There is an underlying motive – often self-interest or preserving a reputation.
- It induces moral judgments – people tend to react very negatively to perceived hypocrisy in others.
Hypocrisy is often viewed as a character flaw and a failing in integrity. It erodes trust between people. In interpersonal relationships, hypocrisy can be very damaging when it is revealed and the hypocrite’s motives come to light.
Lip service
Another term that captures the mismatch between words and deeds is lip service. Lip service refers to superficial support of a cause that is not backed up by action. For example, a company claims to value sustainability but does not follow sustainable business practices. Or a politician expresses support for education but does not vote to increase funding.
Some key features of lip service:
- Words seem to align with ideals, values, or causes, but actions do not.
- Motives are often self-serving – lip service is given to appeal to certain groups/audiences.
- Can be seen as insincere, ineffective, or even condescending.
Unlike hypocrisy, lip service may not involve intentional deceit. But there is still a failure to take meaningful steps to live up to the espoused ideals. Lip service erodes credibility over time when not backed by action.
Performative allyship
A more recent term that captures this concept is performative allyship. Performative allyship refers to public shows of support for marginalized groups that are not substantiated by personal actions. For example, people rushing to post social media statements or swap out their profile pictures in support of a cause, but then not doing anything to challenge systemic issues.
Some key features of performative allyship:
- Public displays of support for marginalized groups.
- Lack of meaningful action to advance the cause.
- Motivated by desire to boost social standing or reputation.
- Often called out for being shallow and unhelpful.
Unlike lip service, performative allyship is focused on causes related to diversity, equity, and social justice. It has become controversial as many advocates argue it does more harm than good.
Moral licensing
Moral licensing refers to the tendency for people to feel that they have permission to act unethically after doing something virtuous. For example, people may litter more after recycling or make prejudiced comments after voting for a minority candidate. Their past moral acts seem to “license” bad behavior.
Some key features of moral licensing:
- Initial virtuous act is genuine.
- Later unethical acts are excused internally by previous good deeds.
- Tendency often operates unconsciously.
- Differs from hypocrisy since unethical actions are not intended from outset.
Moral licensing reveals how we psychologically justify our actions to reduce feelings of guilt or cognitive dissonance. It highlights how difficult it can be to maintain consistent moral principles through our behaviors.
Cognitive dissonance
Cognitive dissonance refers to the uncomfortable tension that arises when our behaviors contradict our beliefs. When we say one thing but do another, cognitive dissonance emerges between the conflicting cognition of “I believe X” and “I did Y instead.”
Some key features of cognitive dissonance:
- Process was extensively studied in social psychology.
- When dissonance emerges, we are motivated to reduce it.
- Can be resolved through changing behavior, changing belief, or rationalizing why the contradiction is acceptable.
- Explains why we are prone to justifying our contradictory actions.
While cognitive dissonance feels uncomfortable, it can also spur positive growth. By noticing discrepancies between our stated values and actual behaviors, we can reflect on needed changes to become more ethical and authentic.
Hypocrisy vs lip service vs performative allyship
There are certainly overlaps between the concepts of hypocrisy, lip service, and performative allyship. But there are also some key differences:
| Type | Motivation | Authenticity | Area of focus |
|---|---|---|---|
| Hypocrisy | Self-interest | Intentionally deceptive | General morality |
| Lip service | Reputation management | May not be intentionally deceptive | Ideals and values |
| Performative allyship | Social standing | Surface level support | Marginalized groups |
The common thread is that words and actions are misaligned, undermining trust and credibility to various degrees. But the specific motivations and contexts differ.
Inauthenticity
At the core, all these terms capture some form of inauthenticity. When our actions are out of alignment with our stated values, morals, and allies, we are being inauthentic – we lack integrity between our inner landscape and outer expression.
Some key features of inauthenticity:
- Incongruence between inner self and outer actions.
- Being “true to oneself” is compromised.
- Undermines well-being when chronic.
- Contributes to low self-esteem.
Psychology research reveals many downsides when people act inauthentically over extended periods. Lacking inner-outer alignment is not sustainable and leads to anxiety, stress, and dissatisfaction.
Ethical fading
One framework that explains why our actions fail to live up to our words is ethical fading. Ethical fading refers to how moral dimensions can fade from view when making decisions, leading to unethical behavior. There are several drivers of ethical fading:
- Narrow framing – only focusing on certain aspects of a situation
- Slippery slopes – gradual acceptance of misconduct over time
- Omissions – failing to act, vs actively lying or deceiving
- Self-deception – convincing oneself that conduct is ethical
When ethical dimensions fade, we end up crossing lines without realizing it due to conditioned acceptance or loops of rationalization. Our actions seem disconnected from our values.
Integrity
If inauthenticity describes the misalignment between words and deeds, integrity captures the alignment. Integrity refers to moral soundness, adherence to ethical values, and wholeness of character. Integrity means walking the talk – consistently acting in accordance with principles and values.
Some key features of integrity:
- Internal moral compass aligned with external actions.
- Willingness to stand up for beliefs even under pressure.
- Admitting mistakes and resisting rationalization of wrong conduct.
- Values-based decision making.
Integrity requires courage and humility to resist situational pressures and incentives that lead to moral compromise. But those who live with integrity are happier and more self-actualized.
How to align words and actions
Once we realize we are saying one thing but doing another, how do we realign word and deed? Here are some tips:
- Get clear on your core values.
- Notice areas where actions don’t reflect values.
- Plan ahead for ethical challenges.
- Commit to transparency and consistency.
- Seek accountability partners.
- Don’t excuse lapses – own them.
- Make amends for misalignments.
It also helps to name the pull we feel to act in misalignment, whether reputation management, convenience, or primal urges. Consciously separating desired conduct from these influences brings clarity. Integrity takes practice – be patient with yourself.
The bottom line
When our actions fail to align with our stated values and morals, terms like hypocrisy, lip service, performative allyship and cognitive dissonance apply. These mismatches between words and deeds reveal inauthenticity and erode trust. But we can realign through practices that strengthen integrity – the foundation for fulfillment. Walking the talk may not always be easy, but it is the path to wholeness.