Missing someone you love is a perfectly normal human experience. In fact, there’s even a name for it: limerence. Limerence is defined as an involuntary state of intense romantic desire and attachment to another person. When you’re in the throes of limerence, you can’t stop thinking about the person you desire. You crave emotional and physical closeness with them. And when you’re apart from your desired partner, you feel sad, empty, and incomplete.
What causes limerence?
Limerence is triggered by perceived desirable qualities in another person. Their positive attributes make you see them as an ideal romantic partner. When you develop limerence, your brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. This gives you an addictive high from simply thinking about the object of your desire. Evolutionarily speaking, limerence motivates humans to pursue mates and bond with them. But limerence can arise even outside of reciprocal romantic relationships. You could develop intense limerent desire for a friend, colleague, celebrity, or someone else unavailable to you.
Physical symptoms of limerence
When you miss the person you’re limerent for, you don’t just have sad thoughts – you feel physical discomfort. Here are some of the bodily sensations associated with limerence:
- Aching in the chest or stomach
- Trouble breathing normally
- Nausea
- Trembling
- Heart palpitations
- Insomnia
- Loss of appetite
These symptoms arise because emotional and physical pain share neural pathways in the brain. Your body literally hurts from missing your loved one.
The agony and ecstasy of limerence
Limerence contains contradictions. On one hand, thinking about your limerent object feels euphoric. The rush of infatuation is incredibly pleasurable. But the lows can betormenting. When you are separated from your desired partner, intrusive thoughts plague you. You cycle rapidly between bliss and anguish. This rollercoaster of emotion has inspired countless works of art throughout human history. From Romeo and Juliet to modern pop songs, limerence perfectly captures the joy and sorrow of romantic longing.
Components of limerence
According to psychologist Dorothy Tennov, limerence includes these components:
- Intrusive thinking about the limerent object: You can’t get them out of your head, even if you try to distract yourself.
- Acute longing for emotional reciprocation: You desperately crave a sign that your feelings are mutual.
- Dependency on the limerent object: You feel like you need their love and attention to be happy and whole.
- Fear of rejection: You constantly worry that your romantic interest doesn’t share your attachment.
- Extreme shyness in their presence: You feel paralyzed and tongue-tied around your crush.
- Intense motivation to win them over: You’ll go to great lengths to impress your beloved and gain their affection.
Positive effects of limerence
While limerence can be destructive in the wrong circumstances, it also has potential upsides. Limerence can provide:
- Inspiration to achieve goals and better yourself
- A sense of meaning and excitement
- Motivation to connect with others
- Joy from pequilarities that remind you of your beloved
The passion of limerence is a core part of the human experience. Our ability to form deep attachments allowed humans to partner successfully and raise vulnerable children. Limerence creates desire to be near the person you care for most.
When does limerence become unhealthy?
Limerence is a natural emotion, but it can grow into an destructive obsession. Here are some signs limerence has gone too far:
- Stalking or harassment of the limerent object
- Inability to concentrate on work/school due to intrusive thoughts
- Neglect of personal responsibilities
- Violent jealousy and possessiveness
- Compulsive need to be near the person
- Severe clinical depression or suicidal ideation if feelings are unrequited
You should seek professional help if limerence dominates your daily functioning for over six months. Persistent, unwanted limerent thoughts may also indicate an anxiety disorder or OCD.
How to healthily manage limerence
If you are experiencing intrusive limerent thoughts, some strategies to cope include:
- Accepting it as a temporary state that will fade with time
- Focusing on pleasurable activities independent of the limerent object
- Avoiding places/events where you might run into them
- Joining a support group of others experiencing unrequited limerence
- Expressing feelings through writing, music, or art
- Working to improve your self-care and self-esteem
The stages of limerence
Limerence typically progresses through several phases, though the timeline varies:
Inception
You first notice the physical and personality traits that you find immensely appealing in another person. They begin to occupy a significant portion of your thoughts.
Cultivation
You intentionally spend more time around the object of your limerence, trying to discover more desirable qualities. You interpret any attention from them as a sign of mutual attraction.
Crystallization
Your limerent feelings coalesce and fixate on the individual. You believe you are destined to be together. Your longing for reciprocity intensifies.
Limerent reaction
You experience anguish if signs of returned affection are not clear. Doubts about the future of the relationship take root.
Misery
Rejection or indifference from the limerent object plunges you into heartache and despair. Sleeplessness, loss of appetite, and depression may occur.
Purgation
The limerent attachment fades as recurring rejection sinks in. The possibility of reciprocation seems hopeless.
Tranquility
You finally achieve emotional freedom from limerence. Your obsessions end and objectivity returns. A neutral friendship with the person may remain.
The length of each stage differs based on factors like availability of the limerent object and hope of requited feelings. But most limerent episodes last 1-3 years before fading.
When limerence fades
Even the most intense limerent passions are impermanent. There are a few key reasons why limerence ultimately dies out:
- Repeated rejection ruins fantasies of reciprocation
- New flaws and incompatibilities in the limerent object are noticed
- A deepening of the actual relationship reveals the fantasy was one-sided
- The craving for novelty and conquest motivates seeking a new limerent object
- As the reward pathway of the brain adapts, the high fades
In successful long-term relationships, limerence evolves into more stable companionship love. But new episodes of limerence can occasionally happen even after marriage, especially if the relationship lacks fulfilment. Communication and intentional bonding help partners move past limerence.
Limerence versus love
| Limerence | Love |
|---|---|
| Focused on fantasies and idealization | Sees the whole person realistically |
| Fearful and obsessive | Secure and peaceful |
| Wants to take | Wants to give |
| Unfulfilling | Mutually fulfilling |
| Isolation and emptiness | Connection and wholeness |
| Addictive highs and lows | Stable satisfaction |
Limerence arises from a place of lack and pain. It grasps desperately for an imagined solution to inner voids. But true love emanates from fullness within yourself and is not contingent on anything external. With maturity and self-awareness, relationships can move beyond fantasy into authentic intimacy.
Love that lasts versus limerence
For long-term bonds like marriage, settling into companionate love is more sustainable than chasing the emotional highs of limerence. Companionate love is characterized by:
- Deep attachment
- Commitment
- Intimacy
- Affection
- Respect
- Honesty
- Partnership
- Security
- Understanding
While less thrilling, companionate love’s shared activities and stable support enable couples to weather life’s storms. Maintaining intimacy through intentional time together and expressing gratitude vitalizes relationships.
Managing limerence in relationships
If limerence takes hold, there are ways to curb its destructive potential:
- Limit contact with the limerent object if possible
- Reveal feelings to your primary partner for accountability
- Avoid disclosing personal details that intensify fantasies
- Focus attention on your committed partner’s positive qualities
- Don’t interpret friendliness as flirtation or reciprocation
- Reflect on your true core values and relationship needs
With self-control and empathy for your partner’s feelings, limerence can be managed. If obsessive thoughts persist, counseling helps gain objectivity. Prioritizing your long-term commitment above fleeting desire preserves the relationship.
Does limerence ever turn into healthy love?
In some rare cases, limerence evolves into a happy, lifelong partnership. But certain conditions are required:
- Your loving feelings are reciprocated
- You slowly build intimacy, not just intensity
- You both let go of idealization and fantasy
- You focus on truly knowing each other
- You share core values and life goals
- You maintain open and honest communication
Many mistake limerence for love at first. But if you gradually cultivate selfless caring, respect and trust, limerence’s grip fades. Lasting love requires more than infatuation. It is a continual choice to cherish and support your partner.
Limerence cure – getting over unhealthy attachments
If limerence causes suffering and interferes with your life, you can heal. Some suggestions:
- Go no contact – Prevent obsessive thoughts by cutting off interactions with your limerent object. Avoid places they will be.
- Confide in friends/family – Sharing feelings helps build self-awareness and accountability. Others can reality test your beliefs about the relationship.
- Seek therapy – Counseling equips you with skills to manage anxiety, improve self-worth, and process painful emotions productively.
- Keep busy – Fill your schedule with enriching activities and hobbies that engage your talents and nourish your soul.
- Change focus – Whenever you catch yourself dwelling on the person, deliberately shift your thoughts elsewhere.
- Forgive yourself – Avoid shame and remember limerence is a psychological condition you can recover from.
With concerted effort over time, limerence’s grip will eventually subside. You will find freedom again. There are so many opportunities for genuine love and fulfillment in life ahead.
Conclusion
Limerence is an exquisitely bittersweet part of the human condition. The longing and passion it stirs have inspired countless artists and dreamers over the centuries. But limerence’s frantic highs and miserable lows render it ultimately unfulfilling. Mature love is gentler – a commitment to selfless caring, built steadily upon a foundation of intimacy and understanding. With time and intention, relationships can progress beyond limerence’s fantasy and fragility into the sacrificial joy of true partnership.