What is emotional cheating?
Emotional cheating refers to behavior that diverts emotional intimacy, connection or attention away from a primary partner to someone else. This can include sharing intimate information, secrets or emotions that are kept hidden from a partner, and cultivating meaningful bonds that cross the line from platonic friendship into deeper emotional territory.
While physical infidelity is often clear-cut, emotional cheating can be harder to recognize or define, as interactions occur on a spectrum. However, there are some key signs that emotional cheating may be taking place via text messages:
Signs of emotional cheating through texting
- Frequently texting or messaging someone of potential romantic interest at odd hours
- Hiding or deleting texts and interactions with that person
- Confiding or sharing intimate information and secrets more with the texting partner than primary partner
- Flirtatious, suggestive or sexual text messages
- Discussing problems in the primary relationship more with the texting partner
- Texting very frequently throughout the day and night
- Getting defensive about the texting relationship
- Sneaking off to text or message the person
- Texting things you wouldn’t want your partner to see
If text interactions divert emotional energy and intimacy away from the primary relationship, it can damage trust, connection and commitment.
Why texting enables emotional cheating
There are several reasons why texting commonly plays a role in emotional cheating:
- Ease and constant access – We carry our phones everywhere, so texting facilitates constant communication.
- Private and hidden – Texts can be deleted and kept secret more easily than other interactions.
- Lowers inhibitions – The distance of technology can make flirtatious or intimate texting feel “safer.”
- Emotional bonding – Text communication allows emotional bonds to develop before physical intimacy.
- Less time commitment – Texting feels casual, but can still enable emotional intimacy.
- Ambiguity – The meaning behind texts can be disputed, keeping the relationship in a gray area.
The convenience and ambiguity of text messaging allows intimate emotional bonds to form, even when partners believe they are maintaining appropriate boundaries.
How does emotional cheating texting start?
There are a few common ways emotionally intimate texting relationships escalate within monogamous relationships:
1. Texting with an ex or past love interest
Unresolved feelings or sexual chemistry can resurface easily through texting an ex, allowing emotional and physical boundaries to get crossed. Text histories and familiarity make it easy to fall into old patterns.
2. Texting a friend/colleague
Texts about stresses, problems or sex with an outside confident can quickly create intimacy. Humor and emotional support through difficult times often leads to a reciprocal emotional bond.
3. Online emotional affairs
Anonymity on social networks and dating sites make it temptingly easy to open up. Flirtatious messaging can turn explicit quickly, especially if users feel exploration won’t impact “real life.”
4. Sexting
Sexting and sharing sexual photos is a branch of emotional infidelity that arises from the distance, privacy and lowered inhibitions of texting. The sexual exchange creates intimacy.
5. Texting frequently outside primary relationship
Constant, all-day texting with someone invites emotional intimacy through the ongoing communication, disclosure and emotional support.
In most cases, emotional cheating texting develops gradually through regular interaction. The more time spent conversing through texts, the deeper the emotional bond grows.
Is emotionally cheating through texting common?
Many recent studies confirm that emotional cheating by text is very common between partners:
- A 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that approximately 30-40% of people in relationships text excessively with someone besides their partner in ways that constitute emotional cheating.
- A survey by the Institute for Family Studies in 2018 revealed that about 20% of married people admitted to having an emotional affair that involved texting.
- A 2016 survey by the polling organization YouGov found that 14% of participants texted someone in a way their partner would consider cheating.
- A study in the journal Cyberpsychology found that non-explicit texting with someone other than a primary partner commonly occurs before physical intimacy develops. This establishes that texting frequently enables emotional intimacy.
While definitions vary, surveys consistently find that texting habits often cultivate emotional bonds outside of primary committed relationships. Partners may disagree on what constitutes a betrayal of intimacy. Nevertheless, secrecy regarding texting is a universal red flag, even if content seems harmless.
Why is emotional cheating as painful as physical cheating?
Even if no physical intimacy occurs, emotional cheating often provokes the same feelings of hurt, betrayal, jealousy and loss in the betrayed partner. This occurs for several psychological and practical reasons:
It damages trust
Secret intimate texting damages trust, the foundation of relationships. Hiding interactions raises questions about what else could be hidden.
Insecurity about the state of the relationship
When a partner seeks emotional intimacy elsewhere, insecurities arise about the primary relationship. It suggests needs are no longer being met.
Jealousy
Knowing a partner confides in and connects with someone else intimately sparks painful jealousy. The attachment feels stolen.
Casts doubts on commitment
If a partner is investing emotionally outside the relationship, it can feel like the commitment to you is withdrawn.
Comparing yourself
It’s easy to end up comparing yourself to the person being texted – wondering if you are lacking in some way.
Broken boundaries
Any violation of relationship boundaries damages the security of the partnership. Infidelity of any kind feels like a betrayal of trust.
For those reasons, emotional and physical cheating elicit similarly strong hurt and jealousy. Betrayed partners often describe the texting as feeling like a stab in the heart.
Can emotional cheating texting be non-romantic?
It depends. While texting an ex or online flirting is clearly risky, texting dynamics with friends or colleagues can also end up emotionally inappropriate without romantic intent. Signs it has gone too far include:
- Excessive texting frequency that exceeds communication with primary partner
- Heavy self-disclosure about intimate struggles a partner is not yet aware of
- Ongoing sexual humor or exchanges
- Flirtatious compliments and emojis
- Relationship complaints about the primary partner
- Expressions of love (“love you!”, xoxo)
Ultimately, any dyad that entails intimate disclosure, emotional prioritization over the primary relationship, or deception/secrecy has slipped into an emotional affair, regardless of romantic intention.
How to rebuild trust after emotional cheating texting
Recovering after emotional infidelity requires active repair efforts by both parties. Steps the texting partner can take include:
- End all communication with the outside person involved.
- Give your partner full access to phones and devices whenever requested.
- Don’t get defensive if asked questions; be understanding of hurt.
- Have an open conversation about relationship issues that may have driven the emotional distance.
- Commit to complete openness and honesty moving forward.
- Acknowledge the violation of trust and express genuine remorse.
- Participate in couples counseling to facilitate healing.
The betrayed partner also plays a role in reconciliation by:
- Expressing hurt feelings constructively, without name-calling or threats.
- Asking questions and communicating needs for rebuilding trust.
- Deciding whether the relationship is worth fighting for.
- Committing to forgiveness once expressions of remorse are accepted.
- Working on reconnecting intimately and making the relationship a priority.
- Seeking counseling support if unable to move past anger or grief.
With mutual understanding and effort, emotional cheating can sometimes strengthen a relationship. But forgiveness is not always possible or wise. Counseling can help determine the healthiest path forward.
How can you protect your relationship from inappropriate texting?
Strong relationships require boundaries to prevent outside emotional attachments from developing. Protective measures partners can take include:
- Establishing rules about digital communication with exes or others who may threaten the relationship.
- Increasing the amount of affectionate communication so intimacy needs are met within the relationship.
- Putting away phones and making face-to-face conversation a priority during dedicated device-free times.
- Committing to honesty and asking about any interactions that raise insecurities or suspicions.
- Seeking counseling if texting habits become a conflict.
- Working actively to keep sexual and emotional intimacy alive in the relationship.
Preventing emotional cheating requires mutual care taking steps to protect the bond. For many couples today, establishing healthy boundaries around digital communication is essential.
Conclusion
Emotional cheating through technology like texting is a growing relationship concern. While the specifics may vary, intimate text-based relationships outside a primary partnership often signal emotional betrayal. However, with compassionate understanding of underlying issues, and a mutual commitment to honesty and intimacy, texting infidelity does not have to spell the end of a relationship. Clear communication and counseling can guide couples through the process of reconciliation and rebuilding trust after boundaries have been crossed.