Coexisting in a marriage refers to when two partners remain legally married but lead separate lives. This could involve living apart, having separate finances, pursuing individual interests and activities, and interacting minimally. Some reasons couples may choose to coexist include avoiding divorce for religious or cultural reasons, staying together for the kids, financial dependence, or health insurance coverage. While some may view coexisting as giving up on marriage, others see it as an arrangement that allows personal freedom while maintaining family ties.
Why do some couples choose to coexist instead of divorcing?
There are several common reasons why married couples may opt to coexist instead of divorcing:
- Religious beliefs – Some religions prohibit or discourage divorce, so couples may coexist to adhere to their faith.
- Cultural stigma – In some cultures, divorce carries significant stigma and shame, leading couples to coexist despite marital problems.
- For the kids – When children are involved, some couples believe staying married, even unhappily, provides a more stable environment.
- Financial dependence – One spouse may rely on the other’s income and health insurance and feel unable to be financially independent.
- Health insurance – One partner may need to stay married to keep receiving health benefits from their spouse’s plan.
- Immigration status – Non-citizens sometimes remain married to retain a green card tied to their spouse.
- Unwillingness to divide assets – Couples with complicated finances and properties may opt to coexist rather than deal with divorce settlements.
- Loneliness – After so many years together, the idea of being single can be daunting for some spouses.
While these practical barriers to divorce are understandable, staying in an unhappy, disconnected marriage long-term can take a toll on mental health. Couples should weigh their reasons for coexisting against the emotional risks.
What are the different ways couples coexist?
When spouses choose to coexist rather than divorce, they can structure their arrangement in different ways:
Living apart
Some coexisting couples maintain separate homes. This provides each partner maximum independence and privacy. However, it can also feel socially awkward when others don’t understand the unconventional dynamic.
Separate lives under one roof
Spouses who cohabitate may lead parallel, independent lives. They reside together for practical reasons but have separate social circles, interests, schedules, and sleeping quarters.
Financially independent
Couples who coexist typically manage their money separately. They may divide shared bills but otherwise control their own accounts, incomes, spending, and savings.
Limited interaction
Coexisting spouses often minimize communication and contact. They may only engage when necessary to coordinate household issues or children.
Pursuing outside relationships
Some coexisting couples date or develop committed relationships with new partners. This polyamorous or “open marriage” setup requires clear ground rules.
There are no hard rules for how to structure a coexisting marriage. Couples adapt based on their situations, priorities, and comfort levels.
What are the challenges of coexisting?
While coexisting avoids divorce, it comes with its own set of challenges:
- Loneliness – With limited emotional intimacy, coexisting spouses often struggle with loneliness and isolation.
- Parenting disagreements – Couples may clash over child-rearing approaches when not on the same page.
- Unclear boundaries – Spouses must navigate murky boundaries around finances, social lives, household duties, etc.
- Jealousy issues – Partners dating others can provoke jealousy, resentment, or insecurity.
- Lack of closure – The relationship may feel unresolved without finality of divorce.
- Questions from family/friends – Coexisting couples deal with loved ones’ confusion and concerns about the arrangement.
- Guilt and shame – Religious or cultural beliefs may cause guilt over the dysfunctional dynamic.
Coexisting requires constant negotiation and emotional energy. Partners should check in regularly to address ongoing challenges.
What are some ground rules for coexisting successfully?
To make coexisting sustainable for the long haul, couples must establish some ground rules and boundaries. Here are some to consider:
Define the living situation
Decide on a shared residence or separate homes. If cohabitating, designate private spaces for each partner.
Discuss scheduling and use of common areas
Agree on who uses common living spaces when. Schedule alternating blocks of time if needed.
Split financial obligations clearly
Determine how bills, debts, assets, etc. will be divided. Separate finances as much as possible.
Make time for regular check-ins
Commit to regular communication about the arrangement, children, household issues, etc.
Be transparent about outside relationships
If dating others, establish guidelines around privacy, scheduling, PDA, overnight guests, etc.
Respect each other’s personal life and space
Give your partner autonomy in their social life, activities, etc. Don’t pry into their business.
Keep children’s best interests in mind
Agree to amicably co-parent, avoiding putting kids in the middle or exposing them to new partners too soon.
Seek counseling if needed
If tensions escalate, enlist professional help to mediate and work through problems.
What are some tips for making coexisting work?
Here are some expert tips for smoothing out the coexistence arrangement:
Focus on practicalities first
Iron out logistical issues like living situation, money, schedules, etc. before addressing emotional needs.
Set firm boundaries
Don’t make assumptions. Communicate clearly about what behavior is and isn’t acceptable.
Live cooperatively when possible
Aim for cordial interactions when you must coordinate parenting or household matters. Let go of grudges.
Stay present with kids
While coexisting may be tense, shield children from drama and give them quality time.
Prioritize self-care and social support
Invest in activities, friendships, etc. that meet your needs since your partner no longer will.
Redefine relationship expectations
Accept your spouse in their new role as a co-parent/housemate rather than romantic partner.
Check in on what’s working and what’s not
Assess the arrangement regularly. Adjust terms as needed so both parties’ core needs are met.
Seek counseling if necessary
If communication breaks down, enlist a neutral third party to help mediate and resolve conflicts.
Under what circumstances is coexisting unhealthy or unsustainable?
While coexisting can work for some couples, in certain situations it may be damaging. Consider divorce or deeper change if:
- Your mental health is deteriorating
- You experience emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse
- Your spouse is addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.
- Infidelity continues despite agreements to be monogamous
- You fight constantly in front of children
- Your spouse is extremely controlling or manipulative
- You are deeply lonely and isolated
- The situation feels hopeless and you have no intimacy
- Your values and lifestyles are utterly incompatible
- The situation is financially unstable or unfair
In unhealthy or abusive dynamics, coexisting often allows dysfunction to perpetuate. Prioritize safety and well-being if your marriage meets these criteria.
Are trial separations an option before choosing to coexist long-term?
Before fully committing to coexist, couples can first test out a trial separation:
- Gives breathing room to reflect on the marriage and what you want
- Allows experiencing logistics of living apart before a permanent decision
- Provides space to work on individual problems that strain the marriage
- Time to see if you grow closer together or further apart
- Chance to date your spouse and recreate sparks
- No pressure for permanent decisions like divorce or coexisting right away
Trial separations help objectively assess the relationship and viability of coexisting, especially for couples on the fence. Beware, however, that dating others during a trial separation can muddy the waters and derail reconciliation.
How do you know when it’s time to move from coexisting to divorce?
Despite best efforts to make it work, there are signs coexisting has run its course and divorce is the healthiest option:
- Constant toxic conflict with no resolution
- Physical or emotional abuse
- Infidelity with no intention of stopping
- One partner wants the marriage, the other completely checked out
- Intractable disagreements around child-rearing
- Financial dependence no longer necessary
- Loneliness, depression, resentment building over time
- Partners both interested in dating others seriously
- Trust and respect are fully eroded
- Spouses grow further apart rather than closer over time
If the cons start outweighing the pros of coexisting, it may be time to discuss divorce options. With professional help, couples can part ways amicably.
What are some pros of choosing to divorce instead of endlessly coexisting?
Divorce, while difficult, offers certain advantages over staying in a broken marriage:
- Opens possibilities to find a more fulfilling, compatible relationship
- Removes constant tension and toxicity from your home life
- Enables truly moving on emotionally and stop looking back
- Allows focusing your energy on your own growth and goals
- Provides a clear, fresh start both legally and financially
- Relieves the weight of failed expectations
- Empowers you to take control of your life and make changes
- Eliminates ongoing resentment, disappointment, loneliness
- Lets you parent on your own terms, not constantly compromise
- Stops modeling an unhappy marriage for your kids
Of course divorce isn’t easy. But once healed, many find great peace and thrive after leaving stagnant, unhealthy marriages.
How can you heal and move forward after choosing to end coexisting?
If you take steps to split after years of unhappy coexistence, here are tips for healing and getting your life on track:
- Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the marriage
- Surround yourself with supportive loved ones
- Explore counseling to process emotions and start fresh
- Embrace self-care: exercise, eat well, rest, pursue hobbies
- Create a balanced schedule with social activities
- Join divorce support groups to share experiences
- Make home feel like your own space again
- Focus on parenting well despite upheaval
- When ready, think about what you want in next relationships
- Move forward mindfully, not rushing major decisions
Healing will take time, but you’ll emerge wiser and regain hope. This painful chapter can pave the way for the next fulfilling phase of your life.
Conclusion
Coexisting provides a viable alternative for couples who can’t or won’t divorce but find marriage unfulfilling. With clear ground rules and regular check-ins, some make it work long-term. For others, however, the loneliness and disconnect become too much over time. Weighing your reasons for coexisting against its emotional toll can help determine if it’s worth continuing. With support systems, hard work, and communication, couples can thoughtfully navigate when coexisting makes sense, when divorce is healthier, and how to transition forward.