Breadcrumbing in dating refers to when someone you’re seeing or talking to gives you just enough attention to keep you interested, but not enough to progress the relationship further. It’s essentially leading someone on via sporadic messages or by always canceling plans, giving the impression that they’re still interested when they’re actually not.
What does breadcrumbing mean?
The term “breadcrumbing” refers to leaving a trail of small crumbs for someone to follow. In dating, breadcrumbing is when someone sends flirtatious or suggestive messages sporadically, without any intention of moving the relationship forward. This gives the recipient just enough hope to keep them interested and on the hook emotionally, while requiring very little effort to maintain.
Breadcrumbing can occur early in dating when one person keeps rescheduling plans, or it can happen months into a relationship when one partner starts responding less frequently via text. Either way, it leads the recipient on and prevents them from moving on because the interest seems somewhat reciprocal.
Why do people breadcrumb?
There are a few common reasons someone may breadcrumb a romantic interest:
- They crave attention and ego boosts. Breadcrumbing can give someone a sense of power over the other person’s feelings or schedule. The sporadic attention may provide validation.
- They’re keeping the person on the backburner. If other dating options don’t work out, the breadcrumber has someone waiting in the wings by giving them just enough attention to maintain interest.
- They don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings. Breadcrumbing can seem like a kinder, gentler way to back away from someone they don’t see a future with.
- They’re afraid of being alone. Even if they’re not interested in a relationship, the attention and emotional attachment feels good, so they string the other person along.
- They’re not ready for a serious relationship. Breadcrumbing allows them to keep things very casual so they don’t have to commit.
Signs of breadcrumbing
Wondering if that special someone is breadcrumbing you? Here are some telltale signs:
| Signs of Breadcrumbing |
|---|
| They frequently text flirty or romantic messages, but actual dates rarely happen. |
| Conversations always seem to stay at the surface level, avoiding emotional intimacy. |
| Their communication is inconsistent and unpredictable, sometimes texting frequently and then going silent. |
| They cancel plans often, usually at the last minute, and don’t offer alternative days/times to reschedule. |
| They ignore or barely respond when you try to pin them down for concrete plans. |
| When apart, communication happens primarily via texting or social media, not phone calls or video chats. |
| They give endless excuses why they can’t meet up, but say they still want to see you “soon.” |
| When together in person, they seem fully present and interested. But after, communication drops off again. |
| Your dates are always last minute “Netflix and chill” plans rather than well-thought out activities. |
If several of these sound familiar, your romantic interest may unfortunately be breadcrumbing you. Pay close attention to any inclination that this person is purposely keeping the relationship in limbo.
Why is breadcrumbing harmful?
On the receiving end, breadcrumbing can be extremely frustrating and painful. Here are some reasons it can be damaging to your emotional well-being:
- It prevents you from moving on. You invest your time and emotional energy into someone you believe has long-term potential.
- It brings up feelings of uncertainty. You’re constantly second-guessing the status of the relationship and your importance to them.
- It distorts your sense of self-worth. Their hot/cold attitude may leave you blaming yourself and trying harder to win their affections.
- It prolongs heartache. Letting go of unrequited love is difficult enough without the dangling carrot of hope they provide.
- It wastes your valuable time. Meaningful relationships take effort to build. Breadcrumbing keeps you stuck in dating limbo.
- It creates anxiety. You grow stressed waiting for their sporadic texts or cancelations on plans.
In short, breadcrumbing prevents you from finding someone who wants to put in the time, effort, and commitment for a real relationship. It’s important to recognize the emotional manipulation at play early on so you don’t inadvertently get strung along for weeks, months, or longer.
How to respond to breadcrumbing
If you suspect someone you’re dating is deliberately breadcrumbing you, here are some healthy ways to respond:
- Have an honest conversation. Make your needs clear—you want more consistent communication and follow-through. Gauge their reaction.
- Suggest an actual date activity. If they continue being evasive or noncommittal, you have your answer.
- Pull back and mirror their efforts. Give them a taste of their own medicine by matching their sporadic texting patterns. See if they notice.
- Go silent. Give yourself some space from the situation to gain perspective. Often less contact will reveal someone’s true intentions.
- Date others. Keep your options open and don’t pause your love life for someone who hasn’t earned that. Meeting new dates also builds confidence.
- End contact if it continues. Cut contact with anyone who keeps stringing you along after you’ve communicated your needs and expectations.
The important thing is to enforce your boundaries. Refuse to accept breadcrumb-level interest from anyone not willing to date you properly. Prioritize your self-worth.
How to avoid breadcrumbing others
Breadcrumbing doesn’t just hurt the receiver—it’s ethically questionable behavior on the giver’s part. Here are tips to avoid inadvertently breadcrumbing a dating partner:
- Check your intentions. Be honest with yourself about whether you’re genuinely interested or just craving attention.
- Don’t make vague future plans. For example, “Let’s get dinner next week!” Set concrete days if you actually want to meet up.
- Respond to texts/calls promptly. Consistent communication prevents stringing someone along.
- Decline all dates if you’re not feeling it. Going through the motions out of boredom or loneliness while knowing it won’t progress is unfair.
- Have the “define the relationship” talk. Clarify you just want something casual if you don’t want commitment.
- Let them go. If you’ve lost interest, be humane and break things off directly so they can move on.
Avoiding breadcrumbing is about being honest with yourself and others. The kindest option is usually to nip things in the bud before the other person develops stronger feelings.
Conclusion
Breadcrumbing gives just enough attention and validation to string someone along without the investment of real commitment. On the receiving end, it can be extremely damaging to self-esteem and emotional well-being. Recognizing the signs early and enforcing strong boundaries is key.
With a combination of self-respect and open communication, you can avoid falling into the breadcrumbing trap in your own relationships. Seek partners truly willing to put in the time, consistency, and effort you deserve.