What is a narcissistic apology?

A narcissistic apology is when someone apologizes but does not actually accept responsibility or feel remorse for their actions. Narcissists tend to give apologies that are insincere and self-serving. Their primary concern is protecting their fragile ego and public image, rather than making amends with the person they hurt.

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What are the characteristics of a narcissistic apology?

There are several clear signs that an apology is narcissistic rather than sincere:

They apologize for how you reacted, not what they did – Rather than apologizing for their harmful behavior, a narcissist will apologize for making you feel bad or causing you to get upset. They defect responsibility.
They make excuses – Narcissists are reluctant to admit wrongdoing. They will justify their actions by blaming external factors and other people.
They play the victim – Narcissists often try to elicit sympathy from others. They portray themselves as the victim in the situation they caused.

They use the apology to manipulate – For a narcissist, an apology is a tool to get what they want. They may apologize to end an argument or discussion about their behavior.
Lack of emotion and empathy – There is no genuine remorse, shame, or humility in their apology. They may seem cold, distant, and unable to empathize with your feelings.
Blaming you for their behavior – Rather than sincerely apologize, narcissists often blame others for provoking or causing their harmful actions.

Insincere apologies – Their body language, tone, and language will feel forced, insincere, or even contemptuous. They may roll their eyes, smirk, or laugh.
Rug sweeping – After a quick, empty apology, narcissists want to immediately move on as if nothing happened. They get annoyed when you try to discuss the situation further.
Self-praise – Narcissists may brag about themselves or their positive qualities while apologizing, in order to maintain their grandiose sense of self.

Why do narcissists give insincere apologies?

There are several key reasons why narcissists make apologies that lack sincerity and remorse:

Fragile ego – Sincere apologies require acknowledging wrongdoing and imperfections, which shatters the narcissist’s grandiose self-image. Apologizing sincerely feels like a threat to their ego.
Lack of empathy – Narcissists struggle to understand other people’s feelings and needs. They lack the empathy required to understand why their behavior was hurtful.

Avoid accountability – Accepting responsibility and expressing remorse requires emotional vulnerability that makes them feel exposed. They avoid accountability at all costs.
Don’t value others – A sincere apology requires valuing the other person’s feelings and needs. Narcissists generally only value themselves.
Want to maintain control – Heartfelt apologies cede some power and control in the relationship to the wounded party. Narcissists cling to a position of dominance.

It’s a strategy – Insincerity allows them to manipulate others, dodge consequences, shape external perceptions of themselves, and avoid difficult discussions about their behavior.

How do narcissistic apologies affect the recipient?

Being on the receiving end of an insincere, narcissistic apology can leave you feeling:

Confused – You may instinctively sense the apology is hollow, but struggle to put your finger on why.

Gaslighted – Narcissists often flatly deny wrongdoing or twist the narrative of what happened to make you seem irrational.
Angry – A fake apology can make you feel furious at their lack of accountability, empathy, and remorse.
Invalidated – Rather than acknowledge the harm they caused, they make it about your exaggerated response.

Hopeless – Insincere apologies show the relationship issues are unlikely to improve. You can’t move forward.
Manipulated – Their apology may be a tactic to shut down discussions about their behavior or hoover you back into the relationship.
Re-traumatized – Old emotional wounds are re-opened. You relive the original pain of the narcissist’s betrayal, invalidation, exploitation, or abuse.

Narcissistic apologies only make you feel worse in the long run. You do not get the healing and closure of a sincere, meaningful apology.

How to respond to a narcissistic apology

When faced with an insincere apology from a narcissist, here are some tips:

See it for what it is – Recognize you are unlikely to get true remorse or closure from them. Their apology aims to manipulate, not make amends.

Pay attention to your gut – If an apology leaves you feeling upset, trust those instincts. Don’t fall for gaslighting denying the insincerity.
Calmly call them out – You can politely but firmly tell them their apology seems insincere, or point out deficiencies like blaming you. Avoid expecting them to acknowledge it.
Know your needs matter – Remind yourself that apologies should meet your needs, not just the narcissist’s. But you may never get what you want from them.

Refocus on yourself – Deal with your feelings on your terms. Seek emotional support from other sources whose caring does feel genuine.
Create distance – You have the right to step away from the narcissist and disengage. Limited contact can help reduce the impact of fake apologies.
Move forward carefully – If you must continue the relationship, proceed with caution. Reset firmer boundaries and expectations moving forward.

Prioritize genuine relationships – Invest energy in relationships that make you feel valued, respected, and emotionally fulfilled.

Can a narcissist give a sincere apology?

It is possible, but extremely unlikely. A sincere, genuine apology requires:

Empathizing with the other person’s perspective

Truly accepting responsibility for harmful behavior
Experiencing guilt and remorse over wrongdoing
Prioritizing the other person’s needs and humbling oneself

Letting go of ego and opening themselves up to vulnerability
Changing their future behavior and making amends

These qualities contradict the very nature of narcissistic personality disorder. At most, narcissists may fake an apology containing these elements if it gets them something they want. But the remorse will never be authentic.

Can therapy make a narcissist’s apologies more sincere?

Unfortunately, narcissism is one of the most challenging personality disorders to treat in therapy. This is because narcissists generally:

Believe they are already perfect and superior to others
Blame others for their problems rather than accept responsibility

Struggle to empathize with different perspectives
Feel entitled to special treatment
Are focused on themselves and dismiss the needs of others

Standard talk therapies that rely on self-awareness, self-reflection, and empathy face difficulties with narcissistic patients. Still, therapists can employ techniques like:

Pointing out the consequences when narcissists do not take accountability and express remorse
Using cognitive rehearsal to practice sincere apologizing

Boosting attention and empathy toward others’ emotions
Exploring shame, insecurity, and other vulnerabilities underlying grandiosity
Identifying narcissistic tendencies and challenging them

With time, effort, and willingness to work on themselves, a narcissistic person may learn to give less egotistical, more caring apologies. But progress is typically a slow process spanning years, particularly for those high in narcissistic traits.

Signs of progress and sincere change

How can you discern if a narcissist’s apologies might be becoming more heartfelt vs. them merely faking it? Signs of sincere improvement include:

They apologize first without prompting

They express appreciation and praise for you more often
They account for your feelings and needs, not just their own
They follow through consistently on agreed upon changes

They are willing to discuss and unpack painful issues
You observe empathy toward others beyond just you
The content of the apologies improve and have less focus on themselves

You feel safer, calmer, and more trusting of the relationship

However, keep in mind narcissists are skilled at imitation and deception. Pay more attention to meaningful behavioral change and whether you feel genuinely valued, respected, and cared for.

Conclusion

A narcissistic apology prioritizes protecting the narcissist’s ego over healing harm. Narcissists are unlikely to deliver sincere, vulnerable, emotionally reparative apologies. Their remorse is performative rather than heartfelt. You deserve to feel heard, understood, and cared for after being hurt. But ultimately, closure and emotional repairs may need to come from within.