When getting to know a new romantic interest, it’s important to watch out for any potential red flags or warning signs that indicate the relationship may not be healthy. While no one is perfect, there are certain behaviors that should raise concerns when dating someone new. Being aware of red flags can help you figure out early on if the person you’re seeing is right for you or if it’s better to move on.
He is controlling or possessive
One of the biggest red flags in a relationship is if the guy tries to control who you spend time with, how you dress, or where you go. Healthy relationships are built on trust and respect, not jealousy and possession. A man who makes demands, gives ultimatums, or gets angry when you have your own life outside of him is waving a giant red banner.
For example, telling you that you can’t see your friends or family members, not letting you have nights out with the girls, asking for your passwords to social media accounts, and questioning innocent texts or interactions are major warning signs. A partner should never try to isolate you from your support system.
More signs he is possessive and controlling:
- He gets irritated when you do things without him
- He pressures you to quit activities you enjoy
- He has big reactions to small issues of independence
- He guilt trips you when you want to spend time apart
He has a bad temper
No one deserves to be with someone who makes them walk on eggshells. A man who gets angry, yells, or is physically intimidating in any way when he is upset should not be someone you continue a relationship with. Intimidation and threats, even if he doesn’t follow through with them, are psychological abuse tactics that should end things immediately.
Additionally, pay attention to how he handles disagreements and deals with frustrations. Does he call you names, destroy property, or retaliate with hurtful behavior? These explosive overreactions are unhealthy for a relationship. You need someone who can have calm discussions when there are problems.
Signs he has anger issues:
- He raises his voice and yells at you
- He says cruel things when mad
- He punches walls, throws things, slams doors
- He is vengeful if he feels slighted
He is dishonest
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you catch a guy lying about big things early on, believe what his actions are telling you. Major lies like hiding a previous marriage, children, a criminal history, or a drug addiction are all valid reasons to end the relationship.
Even smaller lies should give you pause. If he lies to you about where he was, who he was with, or what he was doing, he will likely continue this dishonest pattern. This will slowly corrode the trust between you.
Watch for these signs of dishonesty:
- He contradicts himself frequently
- He omits certain facts or details
- His stories don’t add up
- His body language is suspicious
He disrespects your boundaries
Someone who truly cares about you will respect your boundaries. Pay attention if a guy pushes to move the relationship along faster than you want, pressures you into physical intimacy, or breaks other rules you have set.
Not listening when you say you don’t want to do something is a huge red flag. Whether it is calling too often when you have asked for space, standing you up when plans are made, or bringing up past mistakes after you have asked him not to, these behaviors show he doesn’t respect you.
More examples of boundary crossing:
- Pressuring you for pictures you don’t want to send
- Showing up uninvited to your home or workplace
- Going through your phone, emails, bag, etc.
- Not taking no for an answer in arguments
He makes you feel bad about yourself
The person who is right for you should make you feel good about yourself, not tear down your self-esteem. If dating him leaves you feeling insecure, anxious, or depressed, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. Insults, put downs, hypercriticism, and spiteful comparisons should not be part of a loving partnership.
Condescension, mocking your interests, achievements or dreams, and making you feel like you don’t measure up are also harmful behaviors. You deserve to be with someone who uplifts and supports you, not destroys your confidence.
Beware if he does any of these:
- Makes condescending or sarcastic comments
- Pointedly criticizes your looks, skills, tastes
- Acts embarrassed or ashamed of you
- Sabotages your goals and aspirations
He has a history of cheating
When someone has repeatedly cheated in past relationships, it sends up a big warning sign. While people can change behaviors, patterns of chronic infidelity or wandering eyes are hard to break. If you discover early on that he has been unfaithful to every previous girlfriend, believe that history will likely repeat itself.
Cheating is also a sign of poor character, impulsiveness, and lack of integrity. Even if he hasn’t technically crossed a line yet, flirting with other women in front of you or maintaining dating app profiles are signs he will likely cheat when given the opportunity.
Be wary if you notice:
- He shamelessly flirts with other women
- He travels a lot for work
- He texts old girlfriends frequently
- He has dating apps on his phone
He doesn’t respect your “no”
Sexual chemistry and physical affection are wonderful parts of a relationship when both people enthusiastically consent. However, you should be able to say no to any sexual activity without retaliation or guilt trips. It’s always your choice what happens with your body.
Guy who sulk, coerce, or use anger and aggression to get you to do sexual things against your wishes should be avoided. This behavior will likely get worse over time. Someone who doesn’t respect your “no” in the beginning will likely trample over any other boundaries you try to set.
Problematic behaviors include:
- Pressuring you after you said you weren’t ready
- Making you feel guilty for not consenting
- Pushing you past the limits you have set
- Groping you without permission
He has major financial problems
Money problems add stress to any relationship. While you shouldn’t make finances the determining factor, a partner who is financially irresponsible can become a significant burden. If the guy you are dating is dealing with serious debt, has a low credit score due to negligence, or makes very poor financial choices, you may end up footing the bill for his monetary mismanagement.
Additionally, signs he spends frivolously on unimportant things, gambles excessively, refuses to get a job, or abuses credit cards against your wishes are big red flags. You want someone who has similar money values as you.
Watch for these financial issues:
- He spends recklessly and impulsively
- He always needs you to cover his portion
- He quits jobs frequently
- He hides the full truth about his money situation
He has a substance abuse problem
Dating someone who drinks heavily or uses drugs in a destructive way will jeopardize your relationship and personal wellbeing. While occassional social drinking is perfectly normal, patterns of dependency, hiding how much he consumes, drinking and driving, or continuing despite negative consequences are all warnings signs of addiction.
Other red flags include mood changes when he drinks, prioritizing alcohol over responsibilities, becoming defensive when you bring it up, and risky behavior like combining drugs and alcohol. An addiction will progress without treatment. Consider if you want to sign up for that future.
Some signs of substance abuse issues:
- Frequent alcohol-related excuses and accidents
- Drinking in risky situations like before driving
- Becoming angry or violent when drunk
- Smelling of alcohol or using breath mints to hide it
He has a bad relationship with family
How your partner interacts with family can give you a glimpse of what your own relationship might be like down the road. If he has abusive, estranged, or strained family relationships, it reveals something about his communication style and treatment of those closest to him.
While conflicts and distancing from family members happen, multiple blow-out fights, cut-off contact, constant drama, and memories of a traumatic childhood are problematic patterns worth paying attention to. This can transfer over into how he sees relationships in general.
Notice these family red flags:
- He is overly dependent on family members financially
- He rarely mentions family or avoids contact
- He has cut off relationships with family
- Family members warn you about him
He has a history of violence
One of the most frightening red flags is a history of violence, aggressiveness, or assaultive behavior. This may include arrests for battery or domestic violence, punching walls, threats with guns and other weapons, and even violence against pets or other animals.
If you discover he has ever injured or tried to control past partners through physical intimidation, consider your safety first. Any form of physical mistreatment in a relationship should be an immediate deal breaker for your own protection.
Be on high alert for:
- A criminal record involving assault
- Getting into frequent fights and arguments
- Keeping weapons with disturbing reasons
- Threats to injure you even if in jest
He mistreats service staff
How someone treats restaurant servers, receptionists, janitors, and other service staff when no one “important” is watching reveals a lot about their character. A man who demeans, disrespects, yells at, or refuses to tip service workers is signaling how he will treat you once the honeymoon phase is over.
Furthermore, it shows he views those he considers “beneath” him unworthy of basic decency. His real mannerisms come out when he thinks he can get away with poor behavior. This is an alarming look at his true personality.
Notice if he:
- Snaps fingers to get attention
- Talks down as if superior
- Complains to get free things
- Doesn’t say please/thank you
He makes everything your fault
One of the most frustrating red flags is when a guy blames you for anything and everything that goes wrong. He might say you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting” when you try to talk to him about an issue in the relationship. This prevents honest communication from taking place.
Never being able to accept responsibility means problems will always be your fault in his eyes. This denial and projection prevents growth. It also leads to resentment and confusion on your end over time.
Notice if he:
- Twists your words around on you
- Denies doing things you have proof of
- Lashes out at you when he’s upset
- Never sincerely apologizes
He seems too good to be true
Sometimes the biggest red flags fly under the radar because they don’t seem problematic at first. If a guy seems absolutely perfect—attentive, generous, messages you constantly, wants to commit too fast—it can raise suspicions. Abusers often use the “charmer” technique to draw unsuspecting partners in by love bombing.
Take it slowly and look for cracks in the facade over time. The super eager, super romantic, super intense guy is waving a caution flag reminding you to keep your guard up in the early stages of dating.
Be wary of:
- Instant soulmate claims
- Over-the-top romantic gestures
- Talking marriage very quickly
- “You’re perfect” flattery
He isolates you from friends and family
As mentioned before, controlling who you see is a big red flag. Isolation starts subtly though. First, he might complain about how often you talk to your mom. He gets slightly annoyed at guy friends texting you. Before you know it, he’s guilt-tripping you for wanting a girl’s night or accusing you of cheating when you visit home.
This gradual separation gives him more ability to emotionally control you. Your support system and outside perspective is cut off. Make sure you keep your autonomy and stay connected to loved ones from day one.
Notice these isolation tactics:
- Guilting you for time away from him
- Embarrassing you in front of friends
- Ridiculing your hobbies and interests
- Turning family members against you
Conclusion
Seeing one or two of these red flags occasionally does not necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. However, patterns of multiple red flags or disregarding your concerns about them are significant problems not to brush aside. Trust actions over words.
You deserve someone who treats you with respect, allows you autonomy, communicates healthily, and makes you feel good. Don’t ignore these warning signs just because you want so badly for the relationship to work. Listen to your gut instinct if something feels off.