Emotional cheating, sometimes called psychological infidelity, refers to becoming emotionally involved with someone outside of your relationship in ways that are inappropriate for the committed relationship you’re in. Emotional cheating means connecting with someone else on a deep emotional level, sharing intimate details about your life, relationship, and partner, and forming a meaningful bond that crosses the line of just a casual friendship or acquaintance. While emotional cheating does not necessarily involve physical intimacy, it can take a serious toll on relationships and be just as damaging as physical infidelity. Read on to learn more about what constitutes emotional cheating and the signs that may indicate your partner is engaging in it.
What is emotional cheating?
There are a few key factors that differentiate emotional cheating from a typical friendship or acquaintance:
- Intimacy – Sharing personal information, thoughts, and feelings with someone at a level that should be exclusive to an intimate relationship.
- Secrecy – Hiding interactions, minimizing contact, deleting messages, etc. to avoid detection from the committed partner.
- Chemistry – Feeling a meaningful connection, attraction, or bond with the outside person.
- Exclusivity – Prioritizing interactions with the person over time with partner.
While friendships outside a relationship are healthy and normal, emotional cheating crosses the line when private details are shared at an intimate level or the relationship becomes secretly prioritized over the primary one.
How is emotional cheating different from a close friendship?
Distinguishing between emotional cheating and a close friendship can be tricky sometimes, but there are a few key differences:
- Flirting and chemistry – Emotional cheating involves some romantic or sexual tone, flirting, or chemistry.
- Over-sharing – More personal, private, intimate details are divulged.
- Secrecy – Interactions tend to be hidden from the committed partner.
- Time and attention – More effort, focus and communication is directed outside the relationship.
- Lack of boundaries – Conversations, interactions and sharing go beyond what would be appropriate for a friendship.
A close friendship typically maintains appropriate boundaries given the platonic nature of the relationship. Emotional cheating blurs those lines and redirects emotional intimacy, chemistry, and attention outside of the primary relationship.
How common is emotional cheating?
Statistics on emotional cheating show:
- Around 35% of people admit to experiencing emotional cheating in a relationship.
- Approximately 60% have engaged in behaviors that could be considered emotionally unfaithful.
- Men and women are equally likely to be involved in emotional infidelity.
- Younger generations may view emotional cheating as more acceptable than older generations do.
- Partners report emotional cheating as sometimes more painful and harder to recover from than physical cheating.
While definitions vary, emotional cheating of some kind occurs in a significant portion of relationships. However, it often goes undiscussed or unaddressed, which can allow it to escalate over time.
Why is emotional cheating harmful?
There are several ways emotional cheating can deeply damage a relationship:
- Betrayal of trust – Private information and intimacy shared outside the relationship violates trust, security, and exclusivity expectations.
- Lying and secrecy – Hiding interactions and details of the outside relationship creates deception that corrodes trust.
- Neglect – Focus and energy is directed away from the committed relationship, causing the partner to feel ignored.
- Jealousy and insecurity – Blurred emotional boundaries can spark feelings of jealousy, resentment, and insecurity in the partner.
- Disconnectedness – Intimacy is lost as emotional needs are confided to and met by a third party instead.
- Damaged self-esteem – The partner may feel inadequate or unworthy of love and affection from their partner.
The intimacy, secrecy, and betrayal involved in emotional cheating can deeply erode the foundation of a committed relationship when left unaddressed.
What are some signs of emotional cheating?
Some subtle and overt signs that may indicate your partner is emotionally cheating or involved in an inappropriate emotional relationship include:
Secrecy and protective behaviors
- Minimizing interactions and denying impropriety when asked
- Using passcodes and hiding devices to limit access and visibility
- Deleting messages, emails, photos to conceal communications
- Lying about time spent with the person and nature of the relationship
- Gaslighting partner’s concerns and making them feel “crazy” for suspecting anything
Withdrawal and distance
- Less interest in physical intimacy with partner
- Pulling away emotionally and being less open
- Less engagement in the relationship and household
- Extensive time spent away from home and partner
- Choosing to be with outside person over partner
Change in routine and appearance
- Dressing nicer, getting in shape suddenly
- Obsessively checking phone
- Staying up late on devices messaging
- New music, books, interests from influence of other person
- More girls/guys nights out without partner
Disrespectful behaviors
- Flirting, touching, overly personalized compliments
- Overly concerned about appearance, popularity around person
- Calling, texting, or hanging out with person one-on-one
- Badmouthing partner and divulging private details
- Choosing activities, vacations, or plans based on person’s interests
While many factors can influence behavior, consistent display of these signs, especially combined with secrecy and lying, may point to an inappropriate emotional attachment.
How can emotional cheating be prevented?
Some ways to establish boundaries and standards in a relationship that help prevent emotional cheating include:
- Mutually defining what constitutes cheating, including emotional behaviors.
- Agreeing on transparency practices like access to devices and accounts.
- Setting parameters on outside friendships with exes, coworkers, etc.
- Committing to regular check-ins on the relationship and emotional status.
- Prioritizing intimacy and connection with your partner.
- Going to couples counseling to work through any issues.
- Avoiding private outings or vacations with outside individuals.
Proactively fostering intimacy, trust, and communication in the relationship leaves little room for inappropriate emotional attachments to take hold.
How to stop emotional cheating
If you’ve recognized signs of emotional cheating in your relationship, here are some tips to stop it:
- Have an honest conversation explaining your concerns and feelings.
- Establish clear boundaries for inappropriate behaviors going forward.
- Seek couple’s counseling to facilitate productive communication.
- Limit all contact with the outside person if possible.
- Allow open access to devices and accounts for transparency.
- Spend quality one-on-one time reconnecting with your partner.
- Commit to total openness and honesty moving forward.
- Don’t be afraid to walk away if your partner refuses to correct their behavior.
Addressing emotional cheating early and directly gives the relationship the best chance of becoming healthier and more secure over time.
Can emotional cheating be forgiven?
Whether or not emotional infidelity can be forgiven depends on several factors:
- How emotionally invested the cheating partner was in the other person.
- If the cheater takes full responsibility for their actions.
- How receptive the cheater is to rebuilding trust and intimacy.
- If it’s a first-time offense versus repeat behavior.
- How much work both partners are willing to put into reconciliation.
- If underlying relationship issues are addressed.
- The emotional maturity and motivations of both individuals.
With counseling, open communication, established boundaries, and demonstrated commitment to change, emotional cheating can potentially be overcome in some circumstances. But partners need to be willing to put in substantial effort.
When is it time to end the relationship after emotional cheating?
It may be time to walk away from the relationship if:
- Your partner continues lying, denying wrongdoing, or covering up the relationship.
- They blame you for their actions and refuse to take responsibility.
- They aren’t willing to cut contact with the outside person.
- You’ve caught them involved in emotional infidelity multiple times.
- The emotional detachment feels too deep and painful to recover from.
- Trust is broken to the point you constantly feel suspicious and insecure.
- Efforts to improve intimacy and the relationship fail.
- Your self-esteem is suffering from feelings of inadequacy.
At a certain point, you may have to recognize you deserve someone who can commit to and nurture the relationship in healthy ways. Don’t stay with a partner who continues to betray your trust and intimacy without making amends.
Conclusion
Emotional cheating involves directing intimacy, affection and emotional connection away from your primary relationship and towards someone else. Even without physical contact, this betrayal of trust can damage a relationship. Being aware of signs like secrecy, withdrawal, and inappropriate boundaries can help alert you to an inappropriate emotional attachment. Addressing it early and directly gives the relationship the best chance at becoming healthy again over time. But ultimately everyone deserves a partner who will nurture intimacy and commitment in their relationship.