Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition characterized by difficulty regulating emotions, impulsive behavior, unstable relationships, and a fragile sense of self. One of the most painful experiences in relating to someone with BPD is when they devalue and discard their partner or friend. This often comes out of the blue and leaves the non-BPD person confused, hurt, and struggling to make sense of what happened. In this article, we will explore the devaluation process in BPD, why it happens, what it feels like for the non-BPD person, and how to cope with it in healthy ways.
What is devaluation in BPD?
Devaluation refers to a sudden shift in the way someone with BPD views another person, from idealizing them to undervaluing, belittling, and feeling contempt for them. This typically happens after a period of intense admiration and over-idealization early in the relationship. The non-BPD person is placed on a pedestal before being knocked off without warning.
Some signs that devaluation is happening include:
- Sudden lack of interest and caring
- Picking fights, being critical, and blaming
- Acting cold, distant, and dismissive
- Showing irritation, annoyance, and disgust
- Making snide comments and undermining
- Talking negatively about the person to others
The devalued person is made to feel worthless, at fault, and unable to do anything right. The contempt and disgust are often shocking and leave this person doubting themselves and what they know to be true about the relationship.
Why does devaluation happen?
There are a few reasons someone with BPD may suddenly devalue a relationship:
- The intensity of early idealization is too much – to calm their fears, they go to the opposite extreme of seeing that person as worthless.
- They start to feel insecure in the relationship – to protect themselves, they reject the other person first.
- The person makes a mistake or disappoints them – this then confirms their fear that the person is flawed.
- Their fear of engulfment or abandonment gets triggered – they push the person away as a defense.
- They struggle to reconciled good and bad in people – when seeing flaws, the person flips from good to bad.
Essentially, devaluation is a maladaptive coping mechanism when someone with BPD feels emotional dysregulation and psychological distress in a relationship. Their fragile sense of self and extreme black-and-white thinking leads them to destroy the bond as a form of self-protection.
What does it feel like to be devalued by someone with BPD?
Being on the receiving end of sudden devaluation and rejection from a BPD partner or friend is incredibly painful and confusing. Some common feelings include:
- Shock at the drastic change in treatment – it comes out of nowhere.
- Hurt and grief over losing the closeness of the relationship.
- Rejection and feeling personally attacked.
- Loneliness from losing an important companion.
- Self-blame and lowered self-esteem – questioning what you did wrong.
- Anger at being treated so poorly after investing yourself in the person.
- Loss of trust in yourself and others.
- Hopelessness about understanding what happened.
- Fear of more rejection if you try to reconcile.
Being demonized by someone you cared for deeply leaves emotional scars. Their distorted perceptions confuse your own reality and make you feel worthless. It takes work to rebuild your self-esteem and ability to trust.
How to cope in healthy ways
If you have been devalued by someone with BPD, here are some tips for coping:
- Seek support – Turn to trusted friends, family, support groups, and a therapist. Don’t isolate yourself.
- Reality-test – Remind yourself the negativity is a distortion, not an accurate reflection of you. Their perception is the problem.
- Set boundaries – You may need to go no-contact for a period of time if the toxicity is too much.
- Practice self-care – Nurture and comfort yourself through activities like journaling, exercise, time in nature, etc.
- Stay grounded – When you start ruminating on what happened, gently bring yourself back into the present moment.
- Find meaning – In time, you can gain insight about yourself and relationships from the experience.
- Be patient – Healing your sense of self-worth takes time. Don’t judge yourself.
Leaning on your support system, reconnecting with your inner strengths, and finding meaning in the experience will help you move forward in a healthy way.
When is it time to let go?
If the devaluation, criticism and contempt continue without any accountability or change on the part of the person with BPD, you may have to let go of the relationship, at least for the time being. Continuing to engage could prevent you from healing and only prolong the emotional damage.
Signs it may be time to let go:
- Your self-esteem is diminished and you are doubting your reality and emotions.
- The stress of the relationship outweighs any happiness.
- Your other relationships are negatively affected.
- You dread interacting with the person.
- The relationship no longer feels reciprocal or caring.
Letting go of someone you cared about is difficult. Be compassionate with yourself, and recognize that removing yourself from toxicity is an act of self-care and self-love. You may need to grieve the good parts of the relationship for a time. But ultimately you deserve to feel respected, safe, and cared for.
Should you try to reconcile?
If you have been devalued by a BPD partner or friend, should you try to work it out? There are a few key considerations:
- Have they acknowledged their hurtful actions and offered a genuine apology? Remorse and ownership of mistakes are needed.
- Are they actively in treatment and committed to learning coping skills? Change requires professional help.
- Do you observe self-awareness of their triggers and use of new coping strategies?
- Are you currently in a place of strength where you can set boundaries?
- Can you engage without losing your own self-care or self-respect?
Without treatment and self-awareness, reconciliation may not be possible. However, some people with BPD can improve their relationships with commitment to therapeutic treatment. This can take time.
Focus on your personal healing first. If both people are in a healthier place later on, you may be able to carefully rebuild trust. Going very slowly and keeping boundaries intact is essential. Seek support throughout this process.
Conclusion
Being devalued and discarded by someone with BPD is a painful and shocking experience. But with time and self-care, your sense of worth can be healed. Surround yourself with support, ground yourself in the present, and be compassionate with yourself. In time, you can regain perspective and potentially forge healthier relationships. The experience can teach you invaluable lessons if you allow yourself to grow through it.