Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition characterized by difficulties with emotions, relationships, and sense of self. One of the hallmark symptoms of BPD is “splitting”, which refers to seeing things in black and white categories. When a person with BPD “splits”, they view someone as completely good or completely bad with no middle ground. Splitting often leads to rapid or dramatic shifts in how the person with BPD views someone.
What is splitting in BPD?
Splitting is considered a defense mechanism for people with BPD. When under stress, people with BPD may categorize things in extremes of all good or all bad, including people. This allows them to better manage strong or difficult emotions.
Some characteristics of splitting include:
- Viewing someone as completely flawless, admirable, and good or completely flawed, hateful, and bad with no in-between
- Frequently switching between the two extreme views of someone
- Feeling very intense emotions towards someone viewed as “all good” or “all bad”
- Having a hard time integrating positive and negative qualities of self and others
- Oscillating between overidealizing and devaluing someone
Splitting is not done consciously. It is an unconscious defense mechanism stemming from difficulties with emotional regulation and sense of self typically seen in BPD.
What causes splitting?
There are a few key factors that can lead to splitting in BPD:
- Emotional dysregulation – Poor ability to control emotions or react appropriately to emotional experiences.
- Unstable sense of self – Frequently changing likes, dislikes, values, goals, and identity.
- Intense fear of abandonment – Terrified of rejection, separation, or loss of relationship.
- Black and white thinking – Rigid categorization of things as absolutes.
- Stress – Times of high stress or turmoil can trigger splitting as a coping response.
Essentially, splitting allows a respite from the markted emotional ups and downs those with BPD frequently experience. By seeing things as completely good or completely bad, intense emotions can be better managed transiently.
What happens when a BPD split occurs?
When a person with BPD splits on someone, they abruptly shift their view of that person from good to bad or bad to good. Some examples of what happens when splitting occurs:
- A spouse or partner who was idealized is suddenly devalued or vice versa.
- A friend who could previously do no wrong is abruptly seen as selfish and hurtful.
- A caregiver viewed as compassionate and helpful becomes viewed as incompetent and uncaring.
- An authority figure like a teacher or boss shifts from being seen as supportive to adversarial.
The person with BPD relates to the other person in a totally different way once the split happens, either showing them great admiration, trust and affection or great criticism, distrust and anger. The switch is swift and takes place regardless of past positive or negative experiences with the person.
How long does splitting last in BPD?
Splits in BPD are often temporary but can last for hours, days, weeks or months at a time. Some factors that influence how long splitting persists include:
- Situational stressors – More stress can lengthen splits.
- Intensity of trigger – Major triggers can prolong splits.
- Presence of symptoms – More severe BPD symptoms may extend splits.
- History with person – Newer relationships may see shorter splits.
- Splitting patterns – Some lean towards longer splits.
- Treatment – Gaining coping skills can shorten splits.
Usually splits last until the initial emotional trigger has passed or distress has reduced. However, splits can become entrenched patterns in relationships over time. With therapy and skills training, those with BPD can learn to recognize splitting and manage it more constructively.
Does splitting destroy relationships in BPD?
Splitting definitely strains relationships when it happens regularly or intensely. Some ways splitting can damage relationships include:
- Trust is undermined as views frequently shift.
- A person’s self-esteem suffers from the extremes of praise and criticism.
- One partner feels like they have to constantly walk on eggshells.
- Resentment builds from the emotional whiplash.
- Communication shuts down due to the intensity of emotions.
- Splitting creates a sense of distance or loss in intimacy.
However, splitting does not necessarily end relationships. With commitment, work and therapeutic support, relationships affected by BPD splitting can be repaired and strengthened. The keys are improving emotional regulation, fostering understanding and practicing forgiveness.
What helps stop splitting in BPD?
There are several effective strategies and professional treatments that can help reduce BPD splitting or manage it in a healthier way:
- Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) – Teaches distress tolerance and emotional regulation skills.
- Mentalization-based therapy – Increases ability to understand different perspectives.
- Medications – Helps stabilize moods and emotional reactions.
- Mindfulness practices – Improves awareness of emotions before reacting.
- Communication skills – Allows discussion of splitting with loved ones.
- Self-soothing techniques – Reduces emotional escalation leading to splitting.
- Support system – Having consistent support provides stability.
- Journaling – Tracks emotional triggers and splitting patterns.
While splitting serves a purpose for the person with BPD, it can be extremely disruptive and painful for relationships. Seeking professional treatment is key to learning better coping strategies.
Does splitting go away with BPD recovery?
Many people with BPD do see splitting lessen or resolve with effective treatment and self-care. However, it takes time and dedication. Some key factors in overcoming splitting include:
- Commitment to treatment such as DBT or MBT.
- Developing emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills.
- Gaining insight into trigger points.
- Identifying and modifying maladaptive thought patterns.
- Learning to self-reflect and mentalize.
- Practicing new communication habits.
- Making lifestyle changes to manage stress and triggers.
- Repairing damaged relationships.
Splitting may never disappear completely as a knee-jerk reaction to stress. But with consistent effort, people with BPD can reduce splitting episodes and catch themselves before fully acting out on them. Recovery takes time but splitting can be overcome.
What should you do when splitting on a partner?
When you notice yourself splitting on a romantic partner, there are constructive actions you can take:
- Delay taking any action on the splitting until you calm down.
- Use self-soothing techniques like mindfulness or distraction.
- Talk to a friend or therapist to gain perspective.
- Communicate your experience to your partner in a thoughtful way later.
- Remind yourself of positive experiences with this person.
- Make a list of their good qualities you appreciate.
- Ask yourself if your reaction fits the situation.
- Thank your partner for their patience and commitment.
- Take time to reflect on the trigger points of the split.
The most important things are not acting while in the peak of emotion, communicating with care, and reconnecting to the value of the relationship. This can help minimize damage and repair bonds.
Why does my partner keep splitting on me?
It can be incredibly painful and confusing to have a partner with BPD who keeps splitting on you, going from idealizing you to devaluing you. There are a few reasons this may happen:
- They have limited coping skills for emotional distress.
- You may have become associated with upsetting emotions.
- The intimacy stirs up fears of engulfment or abandonment.
- They misinterpret issues as full rejection or lack of caring.
- Their sense of self and others is unstable.
- Fears of rejection lead them to reject first.
- Black and white thinking causes them to categorize you as all good or bad.
Splitting comes from their own difficulties, not you. But your reassurance, stability and encouragement can help counter splitting behavior. Stay grounded, set boundaries, seek support, but continue being reliable. This gives them an anchor during splitting until it passes. Consistency and compassion dispels the splitting myth.
Can a partner with BPD love you and still split on you?
Absolutely, yes. Splitting stems from the BPD, not a lack of genuine love or care for you. Though it may not seem like it in the moment, the following are still very possible:
- They love, enjoy, and value the relationship.
- Appreciate your support, understanding, and bond.
- Their feelings and attachment to you run very deep.
- You are extremely important to them.
- They want to be close and connected to you.
Splitting causes drastic shifts in how they see you, but does not erase the feelings and meaning you hold to them. Splitting distorts their perceptions and reactions when under duress, but love endures underneath. With compassion and consistency, you can help them ground themselves again.
Is there any hope for a relationship with splitting?
Absolutely. Many relationships involving BPD splitting thrive when both partners are committed to growth and healing. The keys to hope are:
- Getting professional treatment for the splitting person’s BPD.
- Learning skills to productively cope with splitting episodes.
- Setting clear relational boundaries and expectations.
- Finding support through therapy, support groups, or friends.
- Seeing splitting as the disorder, not the person.
- Communicating with care, respect and accountability.
- Repairing rifts after splitting passes.
- Focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship.
It’s important the partner sets boundaries regarding unacceptable behavior, but also demonstrates understanding of the splitting person’s suffering and work to heal. Hope comes from compassion along with courage to grow and overcome BPD’s grip, together.
Conclusion
Splitting can be an incredibly painful and confusing experience, both for the person with BPD and their loved ones. But by understanding its roots and causes, seeking proper treatment, and relating to each other with empathy and accountability, relationships strained by splitting can be healed. Splitting comes from a place of profound emotional distress and fear of abandonment. With care, understanding and commitment to growth, its power can be diminished, freeing people to connect in healthy ways.