Anger is a natural human emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. However, uncontrolled anger can be destructive in any relationship, especially marriage. The Bible has a lot to say about anger and how to handle it in a godly way. This article will examine what the Bible teaches about anger in marriage – its dangers, causes, and solutions. The goal is to gain biblical wisdom on how married couples can properly deal with anger and honor God in their relationship.
The Dangers of Anger in Marriage
The Bible warns that uncontrolled anger is dangerous and can severely damage a marriage.
It Can Lead to Bitterness
Ephesians 4:31 says “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” When anger is held onto instead of being released, it can turn into bitterness and resentment toward your spouse. This undercurrent of bitterness greatly hinders true intimacy and connection.
It Gives the Devil a Foothold
Ephesians 4:27 tells us not to “give place to the devil.” This verse implies that uncontrolled anger gives Satan an opportunity to wreak havoc in your marriage. Once a foothold is given, he will attempt to turn your anger into resentment, bitterness, and hostility toward your spouse.
It Leads to Hurtful Words and Actions
Unbridled anger often results in damaging words and actions toward your spouse. Insults, yelling, criticism, contempt, and other harmful behaviors can inflict deep wounds in your partner. Proverbs 12:18 says “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Make sure your words heal rather than hurt.
It Distances You Emotionally
Unresolved anger creates an emotional barrier between spouses. It’s difficult to remain connected when anger causes you to view your spouse as an enemy. Ephesians 4:26 says “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Make sure to resolve issues quickly and not let anger simmer overnight.
It Can Lead to Violence
While domestic violence is never justified, extreme anger can cause spouses to lash out physically. Jesus said that anger in the heart is equivalent to murder (Matthew 5:21-22). Make sure to release anger in healthy ways before it escalates to violence.
Common Causes of Anger in Marriage
In order to get anger under control, you first need to understand what’s causing it. Here are some common triggers for anger in marriage:
Unmet Expectations
When your spouse consistently fails to meet expectations you have for them, it’s easy to respond in anger. For example, if you expect your husband to participate in household chores but he refuses, anger can build. Discuss your expectations openly and look for compromise.
Lack of Respect
When a spouse feels disrespected, anger often follows. Both husbands and wives need to feel valued and honored by their partner. Make sure to use edifying speech and truly esteem your partner.
Past Baggage
Hurts from childhood or previous relationships can lead to anger problems in your marriage. Seek healing from past wounds so they don’t contaminate your current relationship.
Stress Overflow
When life’s stressors pile up, anger levels tend to rise. Look for healthy stress outlets so pressure doesn’t build up and spill onto your spouse. Share burdens with your partner.
Insecurity
Spouses who feel insecure about themselves or their relationship are more prone to lashing out in anger. Build true intimacy and validate your partner to ease insecurity.
Pride
When a spouse cares more about being right than having a right relationship, pride is an issue. Humble yourself and value connection above making your point.
Biblical Solutions for Anger
Thankfully, the Bible provides wisdom and strategies for gaining control over anger. Applying these principles can greatly improve your marriage.
Be Quick to Listen
James 1:19 advises to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening helps you understand where your spouse is coming from, which defuses anger. Avoid knee-jerk reactions.
Commit to Resolution
Ephesians 4:26 tells us to not let anger fester overnight. Resolve issues promptly through loving communication, forgiveness, and compromise. Don’t let problems pile up.
Use Soft Answers
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Respond gently when your spouse speaks harshly. This can prevent escalation.
Confess Your Anger as Sin
Admit to God that uncontrolled anger is sin. Repentance allows the Holy Spirit to begin dismantling this harmful stronghold.
Refuse to Retaliate
When your spouse speaks or acts in anger toward you, do not retaliate. Break the cycle by absorbing the anger and responding with patience and love (1 Peter 2:23).
Let Go of Your “Rights”
Philippians 2:3 says to consider others better than yourselves. Surrender anger about your spouse not meeting your demands or respecting your rights.
Speak the Truth in Love
Ephesians 4:15 says “speaking the truth in love, we will grow into him in every way.” Lovingly confront an angry spouse about their destructive behavior.
Make No Provision for Anger
Counter anger by filling your mind with biblical truth. “Make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lust” (Romans 13:14). Starve your anger tendency by meditating on Scripture.
Walk by the Spirit
“Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16). Praying in the Spirit empowers you to override anger urges with God’s presence and peace.
Put On Compassion and Kindness
Clothe yourself with tender mercy and loving patience toward your spouse, which defuses anger (Colossians 3:12). Ask God to give you His heart of compassion.
Practical Tips for Overcoming Anger
In addition to applying biblical truths, the following practical tips can help overcome chronic anger:
Identify Your Anger Triggers
Determine what situations consistently provoke your anger. Knowing your triggers helps you proactively avoid or defuse them.
Learn to Manage Stress
Reduce overall stress through rest, exercise, recreation, and margin in your schedule. High stress fuels anger problems.
Rule Your Thought Life
Reject angry thoughts toward your spouse as soon as they emerge. Don’t entertain or escalate them.
Communicate Needs Calmly
Express your feelings and needs calmly to your spouse. Don’t speak in anger. Help them understand how to meet your needs.
Don’t Suppress Anger
Venting anger through yelling only strengthens neural pathways in the brain leading to more anger. Find healthy outlets like prayer, writing in a journal, or going for a walk.
Apologize Quickly
When you speak or act in anger toward your spouse, be quick to say “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” Don’t let pride stop you.
Use Humor
Laughter instantly decreases anger and provides perspective. Develop the ability to laugh at yourself and find humor even during conflicts.
Seek Counseling
For severe anger that you can’t control, pursue professional Christian counseling. Work through core issues fueling your anger problem.
Moving Forward in Love
The Bible makes clear that learning to control anger is a process requiring perseverance and God’s empowering. Don’t become discouraged by setbacks along the way. Philippians 1:6 promises “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Rely on the Holy Spirit within you to gain freedom from destructive anger.
As you apply biblical truths, you’ll be able to move forward in love, patience, and self-control when relating to your spouse. Anger and rage will no longer characterize your marriage. Instead, you’ll enjoy an intimate relationship where both spouses practice mutual understanding and honor. With God’s help, destructive anger can be overcome, allowing your marriage to flourish in new and wonderful ways.
Conclusion
Anger is one of the most dangerous threats to a God-honoring marriage. The Bible provides clear teachings about how to handle anger in positive ways that prevent it from destroying intimacy. Learning to listen, resolve issues quickly, respond gently, repent of anger, refrain from retaliation, surrender your rights, speak truth in love, fill your mind with Scripture, walk by the Spirit, and put on Christlike compassion will help protect your marriage from the ravages of unchecked anger. Additionally, identifying your anger triggers, managing stress, ruling your thought life, communicating needs calmly, finding healthy outlets for anger, apologizing quickly, using humor, and seeking counseling when needed will enable you and your spouse to keep rage under control. With God’s unconditional love and grace, you can break free from destructive anger patterns and build a relationship of patience, kindness and mutual understanding that glorifies Christ.