The 3 month rule is an informal dating guideline that suggests waiting at least 3 months before making a significant commitment or life change for a new romantic partner. This could include moving in together, getting engaged, or making other major joint decisions. The goal is to make sure you truly know your partner before taking the relationship to the next level.
What is the origin of the 3 month rule?
The exact origin of the 3 month rule is unclear, but it became popularized in the 1990s as many relationship experts began recommending it. The logic is that it can take 90 days for someone’s “representational self” – the version of themselves they present at the start of a relationship – to fade, allowing their true self to emerge. Three months is thought to be enough time to better assess if there will be long-term compatibility before escalating commitment.
Does the 3 month rule make sense?
There are good reasons why the 3 month rule persists as a benchmark for when to consider deeper commitment in a new relationship:
- The initial rush of a romance can bias our perceptions, so giving it time allows you to see your partner accurately.
- It allows passion and connection to still develop at a healthy pace, without jumping into commitments too soon.
- For long-term compatibility, knowing someone 3 months gives you a better chance to see how you argue, manage stress, and deal with life together.
However, there are also reasons the rule may not fit every relationship:
- It’s an arbitrary timeline. Each relationship moves at its own pace.
- If you’re older or have relationship experience, you may know yourself and what you want faster.
- Couples who already knew each other well as friends before dating have a head start.
When is it a good idea to follow the 3 month rule?
Here are some situations where waiting 3 months first is wise:
- If you’re dating someone you didn’t already know well, more time is needed to learn about them.
- If either partner has recently gotten out of a long-term relationship, they may need more time before a serious commitment.
- If there are trust issues or red flags so far, slow things down to reevaluate over a 3 month period.
- If you tend to rush into things, consciously pace yourself and wait before escalating.
The 3 month mark lets you step back and look at the relationship from a fresh perspective before moving forward.
When can the rule be relaxed or fast-tracked?
Here are some examples where it may be reasonable to relax the 3 month guideline:
- If you were close platonic friends first before dating, your baseline knowledge of each other is greater.
- When you’re older, you likely have better self-knowledge about what you want and need in a partner.
- If the connection and compatibility feels exceptionally strong, it could make sense to trust those feelings sooner.
- If you’re long distance, you may need to escalate some commitments like meeting each other’s families sooner.
Use good judgment based on your unique situation and emotional readiness.
How should you have “the talk” about the 3 month rule?
To help align expectations and avoid misunderstandings, have an open conversation about the rule of thumb sometime in the first 1-2 months of dating. Recommendations include:
- Broach it casually, not confrontationally. “Have you heard of the 3 month rule? What are your thoughts on that?”
- Share why it makes you comfortable to wait, if that’s how you feel.
- Ask your partner’s point of view non-judgmentally.
- Agree on a rough timeline you both think is wise before moving forward.
Talking it through openly can prevent needless stress and disagreements down the line.
What are the benefits of following the 3 month rule?
Potential benefits of waiting 3 months include:
- Avoiding infatuation bias – The initial rush of chemistry and excitement can skew your perceptions of your partner. Waiting lets you see them more clearly.
- Spotting red flags – More time makes it easier to notice warning signs of incompatibility you may have missed.
- Compatibility testing – You’ll go through challenges together in those 3 months that reveal how well you truly fit.
- No rushing – You won’t sabotage things by escalating too fast before the relationship is ready.
- Confidence – When you do take the next step after 3 months, you’ll do so based on knowledge instead of blind passion.
What are the downsides of the 3 month rule?
Potential disadvantages of rigidly sticking to 3 months include:
- Arbitrary deadline – Each relationship has its own natural timeline.
- Dampens sparks – For some couples, passion continues rising long past 3 months.
- Undermines intuition – Your own instincts may know when the time is right better than any rule.
- Instills doubt – Second-guessing a great connection just because of an artificial deadline.
- Adds pressure – Both partners may obsess over the looming 3-month mark rather than just enjoy dating.
Conclusion
The 3 month rule has enduring popularity because it’s designed to protect against heartbreak and wasted time, which many appreciate. However, it isn’t a definitive deadline every relationship must follow. Take into account your unique circumstances and use your best judgment. If you learn your compatibility and maintain respect, passion and closeness through the first 3 months – you’ll know you’re on the right track when you do take it to the next level.