Playing hard to get is a common dating strategy where one person in a potential relationship pretends to be uninterested or aloof to increase the other person’s interest. This can manifest in behaviors like not responding to texts or calls right away, canceling plans, or acting disinterested during interactions. The goal is to create a challenge for the other person to win over the hard-to-get person’s affection. While sometimes effective, playing hard to get can also be counterproductive or manipulative if taken too far. Understanding the nuances of this behavior can help people figure out when it’s an appropriate strategy versus a red flag.
What Does “Playing Hard to Get” Actually Look Like?
People playing hard to get might exhibit behaviors like:
- Taking a long time to respond to texts, calls, or online messages from a romantic interest
- Canceling or being late to planned dates or meetups
- Acting busy, distracted, or aloof during interactions
- Putting in little effort into conversations, forcing the other person to carry it
- Flirting but then pulling back affection or interest
- Talking about other romantic prospects or relationships
- Having rigid expectations or “rules” around communication and dates
The key thing is that the hard-to-get person pretends disinterest, even if they actually like the other person. The goal is to keep the other person on their toes and make them work harder for affection. It’s balancing a mix of interest and aloofness.
Why Do People Play Hard to Get?
There are a few common motivations behind playing hard to get:
- To increase desirability – By making themselves appear less available or attainable, people hope to increase their value in a potential partner’s eyes. According to psychological reactance theory, people assign higher value to things that are difficult to obtain.
- To test interest – Playing hard to get lets people gauge how interested the other person is. If they pursue you despite the lukewarm signals, it demonstrates investment on their part.
- To gain power – Some use hard-to-get tactics as a way to gain the upper hand in dating interactions and have more control. Having strict rules around communication makes the other person prove themselves.
- Fear of commitment – For some, hard-to-get behavior helps them hold intimacy at bay out of fear of getting hurt or being vulnerable. Keeping the other person at arm’s length feels safer.
Often, hard-to-get behavior is a subconscious way for people to protect themselves while assessing romantic interest and compatibility. Playing too “easy” can feel risky for some.
Does Playing Hard to Get Work?
Research on this dating strategy has shown mixed results:
| Does it work? | Potential benefits | Drawbacks |
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When used in moderation, playing hard to get can sometimes increase intrigue and make a person seem more desirable. However, taken too far, it can also turn people off or attract partners who enjoy pursuit but not follow-through. It’s a high-risk strategy.
When Is It Okay vs. Manipulative?
Because playing hard to get toes the line between intrigue and manipulation, it’s important to know when it veers unhealthy:
Potentially Okay Uses
- At the very beginning of dating to gauge initial interest
- Pulling back a bit if you sense neediness or becoming a “sure thing” too fast
- To balance your enthusiasm with some restraint
- Letting the relationship progress at a slow, natural pace
Potential Red Flags
- Using it to gain power/control over a partner
- Sending mixed signals and running hot and cold
- Playing mind games with someone’s emotions
- Punishing partners by withdrawing affection
- Giving rigid rules around communication
- Never fully reciprocating interest and commitment
Pay attention to your motivations and whether the other person seems hurt or confused by your actions. Healthy relationships progress to intimacy and vulnerability at some point – playing hard to get shouldn’t be used to avoid this long-term.
How Should You Respond to “Hard to Get” Behaviors?
If you’re pursuing someone who seems to be playing hard to get, here are some tips:
- Reflect on your own interest – Are you overly invested in the chase versus actual compatibility?
- Pay attention to patterns – Do hot and cold behaviors repeat in a manipulative cycle?
- Set boundaries around your needs – Don’t compromise self-respect or play manipulative games back.
- Give it a time limit – Set a deadline for increased reciprocity. Don’t chase endlessly.
- Communicate your confusion – If behaviors are hurtful, have an honest conversation.
- Don’t make excuses – Remain objective about whether needs are being met.
Have realistic expectations about pacing and reciprocation. Pay more attention to actions versus words. Playing some hard to get is one thing, but repeated mind games or manipulation is unhealthy.
When to Walk Away
End pursuit if the hard-to-get person:
- Refuses to commit after an extended chase
- Ghosts/reappears erratically
- Attempts to make you jealous
- Damages your self-esteem
- Has extreme hot and cold behaviors
- Only wants you around on their terms
These behaviors likely indicate you’re involved with someone who is unavailable, commitment-phobic, or manipulative. Your needs matter – don’t compromise basic decency or respect.
The Bottom Line
Playing hard to get, when not taken to extremes, can sometimes pique romantic interest and intrigue. However, this dating strategy is easily misused by people who want to control partners or avoid commitment. By setting boundaries and knowing when to walk away, you can detect unhealthy versions of “hard to get” and focus energy on available, reciprocal prospects instead.