What does emotional infidelity look like?

Table of Contents

What is emotional infidelity?

Emotional infidelity is when a person in a committed relationship forms a meaningful connection with someone outside of that relationship. This connection involves sharing intimate thoughts, feelings, and secrets in a way that crosses boundaries for that particular relationship. Emotional infidelity does not necessarily involve any physical intimacy or romance, but it does involve emotional intimacy and betrayal of trust. Some key signs of emotional infidelity include:

Confiding in the other person about intimate problems in the primary relationship

Sharing thoughts, feelings or experiences that are kept hidden from the primary partner
Relying on the other person for emotional support
Looking forward to seeing or talking to the other person more than their primary partner

Discussing leaving the primary relationship or running away together
Keeping the relationship with the other person secret and hidden

While friendships outside a relationship are healthy and normal, an emotionally intimate friendship can cross the line into an emotional affair when the emotional connection and energy exceeds what is shared with a primary partner. This emotional betrayal and diversion of intimacy can deeply hurt a relationship, even if no physical infidelity has occurred.

Why is emotional infidelity hurtful?

Emotional infidelity is extremely hurtful for several reasons:

It betrays the expectation of emotional intimacy and exclusivity in a monogamous relationship.
The secrecy and deception feels like a betrayal of trust.

It can make one partner feel inferior, unimportant, and unloved compared to the affair partner.
The primary partner feels rejected and abandoned as emotional energy is focused elsewhere.
It casts doubt on the commitment to and future of the relationship.

It’s a painful rejection when a partner gives their deepest thoughts and feelings to an outsider.

The intimate emotional bonds between partners are broken by emotional cheating. Even without physical intimacy, channeling emotional energy outside of the relationship can damage the connection, stability, and security that relationships are built on. The secrecy and lying can make the betrayal feel as traumatic as sexual cheating.

How does emotional infidelity start?

Emotional affairs tend to develop slowly at first, through regular friendly contact that becomes progressively more intimate over time. Some common ways they start include:

Being colleagues who work closely together on projects
Classmates or fellow students sharing notes, studying, and supporting each other
Friends or acquaintances who start doing activities together like exercising, hiking, or watching sports

Co-workers who spend a lot of time socializing in or out of work
Online friendships through social media, chat rooms, or gaming communities
Old friends or exes who reconnect out of the blue

The intimacy develops as they begin to open up and confide in each other about more meaningful parts of their lives. Flirtation and emotional chemistry grow the bond further. Meanwhile, less energy goes into the primary relationship, allowing more emotional distance to develop between primary partners.

What are the stages of emotional infidelity?

Experts have identified some typical stages in how emotional affairs progress:

Friendship: An innocent, platonic connection forms through shared interests, empathy, and chemistry.

Emotional connection: They begin sharing thoughts, feelings, and confiding in each other. An emotional bond forms.
Secrecy: The relationship becomes hidden as intimacy increases. Lying and deception enter to conceal it.
Sexual & romantic tension: Affection, attraction and flirtation emerge. They fantasize being together.

Detachment: They withdraw energy from their primary relationships as the affair deepens.
Redefining the affair: They view their relationship as something meaningful rather than casual.
Planning a future: They discuss leaving primary partners and being together openly.

Of course, not all emotional affairs will progress through all these stages. But they often involve a slippery slope of increasing intimacy, secrecy, and betrayal that leads to more destructive outcomes.

What are some warning signs of an emotional affair?

Some subtle warning signs that an emotional affair could be developing or underway include:

Frequent messaging, emailing, calling or online chatting with the person

Acting guarded or protective about their communication with the person
Spending increasing time alone with the person outside of work/class/social obligations
Showing more enthusiasm about time with the person than with their partner

Becoming distant, critical, impatient or detached in their primary relationship
Talking or complaining about their partner to the person
Putting more effort into their appearance when seeing the person

Lying or making excuses about time spent with the person
Minimizing the level of emotional intimacy with the person when confronted

If a partner exhibits multiple signs like these, it is reasonable to be concerned an emotional affair is developing. Observing these signals, listening to intuition, and having an open conversation are the best ways to identify and address potential emotional cheating.

How can emotional affairs be prevented?

Some ways to help prevent emotional cheating in a relationship include:

Set clear boundaries around emotional and physical intimacy with others.
Maintain open, honest communication with your partner.

Make the relationship and your partner a priority in terms of time, energy and effort.
Discuss and respect each other’s feelings about boundaries.
Nurture intimacy and friendship to keep the relationship strong.

Avoid excessive secrecy about friendships or communications.
Avoid sharing intimate thoughts, feelings or complaints about your partner with others.
Maintain trust by avoiding deception, lying or cheating in any form.

Proactively discussing boundaries and expectations in the relationship can prevent misunderstandings of what constitutes inappropriate intimacy with others. Making the health of the relationship a priority and regularly nurturing emotional intimacy are also key.

How to cope with an emotionally unfaithful partner

Discovering emotional infidelity can be an incredibly painful experience. Some tips for coping include:

Allow yourself to feel and process the grief, hurt, and anger. Seek support from close family and friends.

Avoid excessive blaming of yourself – the choices were made by your partner.
Communicate openly about what you saw, how you feel, and if you want to preserve the relationship.
Consider relationship counseling to facilitate discussion, rebuild trust, and make decisions.

Set clear requirements (e.g. no contact) if you intend to reconcile.
Reflect on issues in the relationship that need improvement.
Engage in self-care – eat well, exercise, lean on loved ones, pursue interests.

Continue to observe behaviors and ensure contact with the affair partner ends.

While emotionally challenging, it is possible to move forward after an emotional affair if both people are committed to honesty, rebuilding trust, and investing in the relationship. If not, ending the relationship may be healthiest.

Can friendship lead to emotional cheating?

Friendships can certainly cross the line into inappropriate emotional territory:

If it involves sexual or romantic flirtation and attraction.
If secrets are kept from primary partners.
When more emotional intimacy and self-disclosure happens than in the primary relationship.

If they discuss feelings of dissatisfaction in the primary relationship.
When they foster emotional dependence on each other.
If it consumes a lot of time, thought and energy.

Friendship qualities like mutual understanding, sharing interests, laughter and empathy are healthy. But channeling emotional intimacy primarily outside a committed relationship can constitute emotional betrayal. Awareness and open discussion of friendships is key to avoid crossing lines.

Can you fall in love with someone emotionally without physical intimacy?

It’s certainly possible to develop an emotionally intimate bond with someone that feels like love, without any physical intimacy:

Prolonged emotional intimacy can create powerful feelings of emotional attachment, especially if it fills an unmet need.

Sharing deep thoughts, fears and dreams makes people feel vulnerable and bonded.
Intense chemistry through conversation and non-physical affection can occur.
Flirting and building romantic tension creates excitement and activation of attraction mechanisms.

Longing and dissatisfaction in the primary relationship can increase romantic fantasizing.
The secrecy of an illicit rapport can heighten feelings of intimacy.

An emotional affair relationship often mirrors the falling in love phase of romantic relationships. The attachment and focus on an affair partner can feel like being in love – care, chemistry, and emotional commitment. But the deception involved hurts trust in the primary relationship.

Can texting be considered cheating?

Texting or online messaging can certainly cross the line into inappropriate or unfaithful behavior, such as:

Sexualized messaging (sexting) with someone other than a partner.
Flirtatious messaging that includes romantic affection and attraction.

Excessively frequent messaging with someone, becoming an emotional focus.
Keeping communications concealed and secret from a partner.
Confiding thoughts, feelings or complaints about the relationship not shared openly with a partner.

Making plans to secretly meet up in person to hide the relationship.

However, simply having casual friendships and texting innocuous messages with people of the opposite sex does not automatically constitute cheating. Hiding communications and directing emotional intimacy primarily outside of the relationship crosses the line.

How often do emotional affairs turn into physical affairs?

There are no definitive statistics on how frequently emotional affairs transition to physical intimacy. However, experts suggest:

Anywhere between 30-60% of emotional affairs eventually incorporate physical intimacy.
The more intimate stages an emotional affair goes through, the higher the likelihood it becomes a sexual affair.
Opportunity and lack of inhibition are key factors – i.e. business travel, work conferences, social events involving alcohol.

People in unhappy relationships are more vulnerable to escalating emotional affairs to sexual ones.

The intimacy and attraction built emotionally makes transitioning to physical intimacy more natural. But many emotional affairs also remain non-physical for years. Appropriate boundaries can reduce escalation likelihood.

Stage of Emotional Affair	Likelihood of Progressing to Physical
Friendship	10-20%
Emotional Connection	20-35%
Secrecy	30-45%
Romantic & Sexual Tension	50-65%
Detachment from Primary Relationship	60-75%
Redefining Affair as Love Relationship	75-90%
Planning Future Together	85-95%

Conclusion

Emotional infidelity is a major threat to committed relationships. While definitions vary between couples, intimacy directed outside of the relationship can profoundly damage trust, stability and self-esteem. Awareness of warning signs, open communication about boundaries, and nurturing intimacy in the relationship are key to prevent emotional cheating. If it does occur, professional counseling is often needed to restore trust and make thoughtful decisions. With mutual understanding and re-commitment, relationships can sometimes be repaired after emotional betrayal, but the road to recovery is long.