CNM stands for “consensual non-monogamy” and refers to any type of romantic relationship that involves more than two partners. The key defining feature of CNM is that it involves openness, honesty, and consent from all parties involved. Some common types of CNM relationships include polyamory, open relationships, and swinging.
What is consensual non-monogamy (CNM)?
Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is an umbrella term that encompasses various forms of ethical, non-exclusive romantic relationships. The key principles of CNM are:
- Consent – All partners are fully aware of and agree to the non-monogamous nature of the relationship.
- Communication – There is open and honest communication between all partners.
- Negotiation – Partners thoughtfully negotiate agreements, boundaries, and expectations.
- Ethical behavior – Partners engage in safe, considerate conduct with concern for everyone involved.
People who practice CNM stress that it is not the same as cheating. CNM involves transparency, integrity, and respecting commitments that are agreed upon by all parties. The focus is on building trusting relationships rather than deception or betrayal.
Types of consensual non-monogamy
There are various configurations of CNM relationships. Some common types include:
Polyamory
Polyamory involves having multiple romantic partners concurrently, with the consent and knowledge of everyone involved. Polyamorous relationships emphasize emotional intimacy and love between partners. A polyamorous person may have two primary partners they live with, as well as a few other ongoing intimate relationships.
Open relationship
In an open relationship, a primary couple consents to seek outside sexual connections while continuing to date each other. The core couple has an emotional bond but agrees to engage in physical intimacy with others. Ground rules are negotiated about levels of emotional entanglement with casual partners.
Swinging
Swinging involves consenting couples engaging in sexual activities with other couples. The interactions typically focus just on intimacy instead of emotional bonds. Couples may meet other couples at parties or clubs for sexual encounters and “swapping” partners solely for physical gratification.
Relationship anarchy
Relationship anarchists reject conventions to focus on what works best for the specific people involved. There are no expectations of fidelity, primary/secondary status, or rules beyond what partners agree upon. Relationship anarchy promotes personal autonomy while cultivating connections based on mutual growth and happiness.
Triads or quads
A triad involves three partners who are all romantically/sexually involved with each other. A quad includes four partners who are intimately connected. Triads and quads take mutual care, coordination, and compromise to function well over time.
Why people choose CNM relationships
There are many personal reasons why an individual may find consensual non-monogamy suits them better than traditional monogamy, such as:
- Desire for sexual variety and adventure – Monogamy can feel sexually limiting for some.
- Want intimacy with multiple genders – Can meet bisexual or pansexual preferences.
- Enjoy different dynamics with different people – Varying personalities and interests.
- Limit pressures on a single partner – Share emotional/sexual needs among partners.
- Prefer free love over rules – Dislike restricting norms of monogamy.
- Find joy in compersion – Gain happiness from a partner’s other relationships.
- Non-traditional relationship values – Reject possessiveness and jealousy.
Additionally, some couples open up an existing monogamous relationship to become CNM later in life. Reasons may include rekindling passion, accommodating a partner’s coming out, or bringing in help with challenging life situations like illness or infertility.
Benefits of CNM relationships
Research has uncovered a number of potential advantages that consensually non-monogamous relationships can provide:
- Increased sexual satisfaction – Enjoy greater freedom, variety, and novelty.
- Personal growth – Develop communication skills, emotional maturity, and self-awareness.
- Security in numbers – Rely on a support network instead of just one person.
- More equitable partnerships – Spread emotional/practical work across multiple adults.
- Built-in community – Gain an extended chosen family.
- Independence – Maintain autonomy within relationships.
- Self-actualization – Explore identity more deeply.
CNM relationships do not work for everyone. But many find it an ethically viable way to have romantic/sexual connections with multiple partners while prioritizing openness, consent, and fulfillment for all involved.
Challenges of CNM relationships
Despite potential rewards, consensually non-monogamous relationships also pose some unique challenges:
- Communication issues – Misunderstandings proliferate with more partners.
- Scheduling struggles – Balancing time between multiple partners.
- Jealousy – Requires effort to overcome insecurities.
- Social stigma – Lack of acceptance from society, friends, or family.
- Risk of drama – Increased interpersonal complexity.
- Finding partners – Smaller dating pools than monogamy.
- Time management – Energy divided across relationships.
- Safety concerns – Sexual health requires vigilance.
Additionally, legal rights around custody, medical decisions, immigration, and inheritance often do not extend beyond one primary partner. CNM relationships still face marginalization and barriers.
Making CNM work
It takes work, self-reflection, and strong relationship skills to create healthy, ethical CNM relationships. Some best practices include:
- Honest communication – Discuss wants, needs, boundaries clearly.
- Regular check-ins – Assess how each partner is feeling often.
- Honor commitments – Follow through on agreements made.
- Safer sex practices – Use protection with all partners.
- Shared calendars – Coordinate schedules between partners.
- Self-knowledge – Understand personal tendencies around jealousy, insecurity, etc.
- Compassion – Practice empathy, generosity, and respect.
- Healthy boundaries – Know each partner’s rules and limits.
- Therapy – Seek professional help working through issues.
With good faith efforts, strong interpersonal abilities, and an ethical orientation, it is possible for CNM relationships to thrive and provide fulfilling connections for all involved.
Famous examples of CNM
Consensual non-monogamy has been practiced by various cultures throughout history. Some modern examples of famous individuals in openly CNM relationships include:
Mo’Nique
Oscar-winning actress and comedian Mo’Nique has been married to her husband Sidney Hicks for over 10 years. They have an open marriage and both see other partners. Mo’Nique is known for publicly discussing the consent, self-knowledge, and communication that make their non-monogamy work.
Cliff and Clair Huxtable
The characters Cliff and Clair Huxtable, from The Cosby Show, subtly implied having an open marriage. Though never explicit, several references were made to their sexual relationships outside the marriage over the course of the show.
Will and Jada Pinkett Smith
Actor Will Smith and his wife Jada have openly discussed being in an unconventional, non-monogamous marriage. Jada has clarified that they prefer the freedom of an open relationship rather than the labels of polyamory or swinging.
Ethical slut community
The book “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy detailed the polyamorous, kink, and swinging subcultures that embrace consensual non-monogamy. These interlocking sex-positive communities promote shame-free sexual exploration with multiple partners within negotiated boundaries.
CNM in popular culture
Various TV shows, movies, books, and songs have depicted versions of consensually non-monogamous relationships and explored their complications. Some well-known examples include:
Professor Marston and the Wonder Women
This biopic showed the polyamorous relationship between psychologist William Moulton Marston, his wife Elizabeth, and their mutual partner Olive Byrne. Together they inspired and created the Wonder Woman comic.
You Me Her
This sitcom follows a married couple who start a three-way romantic relationship with a woman. It sympathetically explores the realities of managing a polyamorous triad.
House of Cards
The political drama House of Cards showed the open marriage of main characters Frank and Claire Underwood. They each engage in affairs and discuss rules around their non-monogamy.
“Triad” by Jefferson Airplane
This classic rock song celebrates a hypothetically happy three-way relationship. Lyrics promote breaking conventions and accepting all types of free love.
“Three” by Britney Spears
In this flirty song, BritneySpears expresses interest in inviting a woman to join her relationship with her partner. The lyrics convey openness to polyamorous connections.
Research insights on CNM
Scholarly studies have investigated various aspects of consensually non-monogamous relationships and their impacts. Here are some key findings from research:
- CNM participants scored higher on subjective well-being scales and lower on depression than monogamous cohorts in studies by Rubel and Bogaert.
- Conley et al found people engaged in CNM had similar relationship satisfaction, psychological well-being, and sexual satisfaction levels as monogamous individuals.
- Kelley et al determined common motivations for CNM interest were desire for personal growth, openness to multiple partners, and wanting to rebel against societal expectations.
- A study by Mogilski et al reported CNM participants were more likely than monogamous ones to practice safe sex techniques like using condoms.
- Research by Mitchell et al showed individuals in CNM and polyamorous dynamics expressed greater belief in their relationship’s success than monogamous couples.
Overall, studies have not uncovered significant differences in happiness, functioning, or health between those in consensually non-monogamous vs traditionally monogamous relationships.
Conclusion
CNM encompasses ethical forms of non-exclusive dating, including polyamory, open relationships, swinging, triads, relationship anarchy, and more. Practiced with consent and care for all involved, consensual non-monogamy can offer dating variety, personal exploration, and alternative romantic configurations.
However, CNM is not for everyone. Challenges like jealousy, scheduling, stigma, and safer sex concerns must be navigated. With strong communication skills and emotional maturity, CNM provides a viable relationship structure that many find fulfilling.
Overall, society is becoming more aware and accepting of consensual non-monogamy as a legitimate approach to dating and intimacy for some. With additional exposure through media and further research, CNM will likely gain greater validation as a reasonable relationship choice for those drawn to ethical non-monogamy.