Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by intense and unstable emotions, impulsive behavior, fear of abandonment, and difficulty maintaining relationships. People with BPD often struggle with obsession and fixation on other people, sometimes called “favorite persons.” This obsession can take many forms and have a significant impact on relationships.
Idealization and Devaluation
One of the hallmark signs of BPD obsession is a pattern of idealizing and then devaluing a person. When first meeting someone, a person with BPD may put them up on a pedestal, believing they are absolutely perfect and faultless. This idealization leads to an intense emotional connection and desire to spend as much time with that person as possible.
However, once the honeymoon phase wears off, the flaws and imperfections in the other person become apparent. This leads the person with BPD to rapidly shift to devaluing and criticizing the once idealized partner. Mood swings, negative behavior, and outbursts often accompany this devaluation.
Fear of Abandonment
People with BPD have an extreme fear of abandonment and rejection. Their obsession stems from a desire to avoid being left alone or losing the relationship. They may monitor their loved one’s activities, isolate them from friends and family, or make frantic attempts to reconnect after an argument to ensure the person does not leave.
This abandonment fear can lead to controlling behaviors like excessive texting or calling when apart. It may drive extensive overanalyzing of conversations to find “evidence” the partner will depart. The terror of abandonment makes complete obsession with maintaining the other person’s presence and attention.
Unstable Self-Image
Those with BPD struggle to maintain a stable sense of self and often lack a strong identity outside of relationships. Their fragile self-image relies heavily on how others perceive and treat them.
This vulnerability drives obsession with gaining validation through another person’s love and attention. The obsession stems from a need to define themselves through the relationship and ensure the other continues providing that stabilizing self-worth.
Impulsiveness and Risky Behavior
Impulsivity refers to acting recklessly or spontaneously without considering consequences. Those with BPD may engage in impulsive behaviors like substance abuse, reckless spending, binge eating, risky sex, and dangerous driving.
Such impulsiveness can also manifest in relationship obsession through spontaneous declarations of love early on, moving too quickly, making extreme sacrifices or gestures to hold on to the person, or abruptly uprooting one’s life to be nearer to them.
Hypersensitivity
People with BPD experience emotions much more intensely than the average person. Small criticisms or perceived slights can cut deeply, while positive experiences are seen as the most amazing ever. This hypersensitivity colors interactions with pronounced emotional reactions.
In relationships, it may drive obsessive overanalyzing of conversations, taking things very personally, reading into every behavior, and overreacting to perceived signals of rejection or abandonment. The intensity of emotions feeds constant fixation on the partner’s words, feelings, and actions.
Dichotomous Thinking
Seeing things in absolutes of all good or all bad is called dichotomous or black-and-white thinking. There are no gray areas for nuanced evaluation. This cognitive distortion fuels relationship obsession because the partner is viewed as completely perfect at first but then morphs into completely worthless later.
Shades of good and bad cannot coexist in dichotomous thinking. The person with BPD obsessively pursues the “all good” relationship again after the partner falls from grace. Alternatively, they may demonize the now “all bad” ex-partner long after the relationship ends due to devaluation.
Mirroring
People with BPD may not have a strong grasp of their own identity and values. To compensate, they may mirror or emulate the preferences, opinions, and behaviors of another person. The goal becomes obsession with becoming exactly like the beloved in order to know one’s self.
This mirroring fuels the obsession through a desire to merge entirely with the other. The emotionally hungry person hopes to absorb the desired qualities of that idealized person to stabilize their poorly defined identity. They focus obsessively on aligning every belief, interest, and characteristic.
Love Bombing
“Love bombing” refers to showering someone with excessive affection, attention, gifts, and compliments. It creates an illusion of being loved and desired. Those with BPD may love bomb romantic interests early in relationships in attempt to secure that person’s presence and avoid abandonment.
This obsessive use of constant love bombing stems from fear and insecurity. It represents efforts to establish themselves as the most important person in the partner’s life. People with BPD may continue love bombing after relationships end in desperate attempts to regain that lost relationship and source of validation.
Excessive Reassurance Seeking
People with BPD often harbor doubts about their worth and lovability. To combat these insecurities, they may engage in excessive reassurance seeking from romantic partners. This obsession involves constantly asking the same questions to obtain proof of love and validation:
- Do you really love me?
- Do you still care about me?
- Are you going to leave me?
- Am I good partner?
They require excessive verbal reassurance, which provides temporary relief until the doubts return. Frustration and resentment can build in the other partner over time. The BPD obsession with reassurance seeking strains relationships.
Multiple Relationships
Some people with BPD struggle with having multiple shallow or short-lived romantic relationships. They may obsessively seek out new partners to fulfill unmet emotional needs. But the initial intensity always fades, leading them to continually search for another person to idealize.
Having multiple relationships provides validation and distraction from emptiness or abandonment feelings between relationships. But this obsession with chasing external solutions ultimately leads to more pain and sustains core emotional issues.
Extreme Efforts to Reconnect
After a breakup, people with BPD often cannot let go of former partners and obsessively try to reconnect and rekindle the relationship. Their fear of abandonment and loss may drive excessive contact attempts through calls, texts, emails, social media, or even showing up unannounced.
They may make grand apologies or promises of change or bombard the ex with expressions of love and desire for reconciliation. Others may use manipulation, guilt trips, or threats to get the partner back. However, this obsession with reconciliation typically stems from insecurity versus a genuine desire to restore the relationship.
Causes of BPD Relationship Obsession
So what underlying factors contribute to relationship obsession in BPD? Main causes include:
- Childhood trauma and attachment issues
- Underdeveloped sense of self and lack of identity
- Intense emotional sensitivity and reactivity
- Fear of abandonment
- Feelings of emptiness
- Self-esteem deficits and lack of self-worth
These inner vulnerabilities drive dependence on relationships for stability, direction, validation, and sense of self. This dependence manifests in obsession over maintaining the priceless relationship at all costs.
Behavior Patterns in BPD Relationship Obsession
Some common behavioral patterns seen with BPD relationship obsession include:
- Constantly texting, calling, or checking up on the partner
- Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
- Isolating the partner from outside relationships
- Needing to know the partner’s whereabouts at all times
- Making grand displays of affection and commitment very early in the relationship
- Stalking ex-partners on social media long after breakups
- Love bombing via gifts, praise, promises, and exaggerated displays of love
- Physically preventing the partner from leaving during disputes
- Making threats when faced with relationship loss
- Begging, pleading, and bargaining excessively post-breakup to revive the relationship
These behaviors all arise from desperate attempts to hang onto that vital attachment figure and source of identity. The obsession stems from a perceived need to be surgically attached to maintain emotional stability and sense of self.
Obsessive Texting Patterns
Obsessive texting habits commonly seen with BPD relationship obsession include:
- Texting excessively throughout the day
- Getting anxious or angry if responses are slow or communication decreases
- Double, triple, or quadruple texting when no reply is received
- Analyzing text message frequency, length, tone, and content for signs of disinterest or impending abandonment
- Bombarding with texts during conflicts or breakups
Again, these texting habits relate to fear of loss plus abandonment and identity issues. The obsession manifests through requiring constant digital connection and interaction.
Impact on Mental Health
Relationship obsession worsens several aspects of mental health for both the person with BPD and the partner, including:
- Increased stress, anxiety, and depression
- Loss of sense of self and erosion of identity
- Lower self-esteem
- Increased anger and hostility
- Paranoia and dissociation from reality
- Confusion and chaotic emotions
- Caregiver burnout if partner takes on caretaker role
The all-consuming attempts to control the partner and relationship can slowly poison the mental well-being of both parties over time.
Effects on Relationship Quality
BPD relationship obsession also negatively impacts relationship quality:
- Breakdown in effective communication
- Increased conflict over possessive behaviors and control issues
- Decreased intimacy
- Withdrawal and isolation of non-BPD partner
- Relationship dominance and submission
- Eventual resentment and hostility from partner
- Emotional volatility
- Role confusion
- Enmeshment and loss of boundaries
- Partner burnout
The relationship transforms from a healthy mutual bond to unhealthy obsession and dependency. The constant anxiety and control erode intimacy. Partners describe feeling more like a caregiver or possession than a loved one.
When Is It Time to Let Go?
If you are the partner of someone exhibiting BPD obsession, it is understandable to ask yourself how long you can endure the constant pressure and volatility. Here are signs it may be time to consider letting go:
- You no longer feel love, just fear, exhaustion, and obligation
- Your own mental and physical health are deteriorating
- The constant accusations, drama, threats, and chaos have become unbearable
- You have given up important relationships, activities, or aspirations to appease them
- You feel like more of a hostage than a partner
- The relationship is completely one-sided and draining
- They are unwilling to get professional help or accept responsibility
At a certain point, obsessive BPD behaviors can cross over into emotional abuse. Feeling overwhelmed, powerless, guilt-ridden, complicit, or that you are “walking on eggshells” also signals it may be time to consider freeing yourself.
Overcoming Obsessive Attachment
For people with BPD, here are some ways to work on overcoming obsessive, dependent relationship patterns:
- Seek professional treatment – Work with a licensed therapist who specializes in BPD and relationships.
- Identify triggers – Explore what specific anxieties drive obsession most strongly, like abandonment fears.
- Separate sense of self from the relationship – Strengthen your own self-identity outside of the relationship.
- Build your support network – Surround yourself with friends, family, and activities that provide fulfillment outside of the relationship.
- Reality-test irrational fears – Question obsessive worries about abandonment or rejection and look for evidence they may not be accurate.
- Tolerate discomfort – Allow yourself to sit with unpleasant emotions without reacting when apart from partner.
- Manage impulsive behaviors – Resist urges to call, text, show up unannounced, make threats, etc.
- Take ownership – Acknowledge when obsessive patterns cause harm and sincerely apologize.
- Let go with love – After breakups, wish the person well and refocus your energy on your own growth and happiness.
With compassion, courage, and the right help, it is possible to break free from obsessive attachment patterns and build secure, stable relationships.
Conclusion
BPD relationship obsession has its roots in childhood attachment traumas, underdeveloped identity, and fears of abandonment. It manifests in idealization and devaluation, control behaviors, attention-seeking, and efforts to consume the partner’s life. This obsession further damages mental health and erodes relationship quality. With professional treatment and conscious effort, those with BPD can overcome obsessive attachment habits and develop more secure bonds. Partners of people with BPD obsession also need support and empowerment in setting healthy boundaries around acceptable relationship behaviors.