Being in a relationship with a narcissist or having a narcissist in your family can be an extremely challenging and painful experience. Narcissistic people can be charming and charismatic at first, but they are deeply self-centered and lack empathy. Over time, being around a narcissist can leave you feeling invalidated, drained, worthless, anxious and depressed. Understanding the effects that narcissists have on those around them can help you cope with the challenges of these difficult relationships.
Undermining Your Self-Esteem
One of the most common effects of being around a narcissist is a gradual undermining of your self-esteem. Narcissists need to feel superior, so they will frequently demean and belittle others. At first, narcissists may even seem to build up your self-esteem by complimenting you and making you feel special. As time goes on, however, they will make subtle, underhanded comments that slowly tear down your confidence. For example, they may frequently point out your mistakes and shortcomings or compare you negatively to others. This gradual chipping away at your self-worth makes you dependent on the narcissist’s approval and less able to stand up for yourself.
Signs Your Self-Esteem is Being Undermined
– You are highly sensitive to criticism
– You feel inadequate and doubt your abilities
– You find it hard to make decisions without reassurance
– You blame yourself for problems
– You feel anxious around the narcissist, worried about displeasing them
Feeling Invalidated
Another common narcissistic tactic is invalidating your thoughts, feelings, experiences and perceptions. Narcissists may deny, disagree with or argue against your views and emotions. This leads you to distrust your own judgement, instincts and inner wisdom. You learn to suppress your true feelings around the narcissist and may struggle with understanding your own needs and preferences. As a result, you become dependent on the narcissist to define your reality for you.
Ways Narcissists Invalidate You
– Discounting your emotions as unreasonable or illogical
– Rejecting your requests or needs as unimportant
– Using contradictory statements to confuse you
– Projecting false accusations or motivations onto you
– Dismissing your feelings or experiences as invalid
Living in Fear and Anxiety
When you are continually demeaned and invalidated, you naturally begin to live in fear of the narcissist. Their put-downs are often random and unpredictable, so you walk on eggshells trying not to trigger their anger and abuse. Any small mistake can unleash their criticism. You may compulsively analyze your behavior, desperate not to do anything that will provoke them. Over time, you may even experience anxiety, depression, panic attacks or PTSD from living in this stressful state of hypervigilance.
Signs of Fear and Anxiety from Narcissistic Abuse
– Feeling like you are “walking on eggshells”
– Panic attacks or anxiety around the narcissist
– Nightmares or flashbacks about the abuse
– Difficulty making decisions for fear of criticism
– Emotional numbness or dissociation
– Jumpy, nervous behavior
Losing Interests and Passions
Narcissists need to be the center of attention, so they discourage your individual interests and passions. They may overtly criticize your hobbies, goals and preferences. Or they may covertly sabotage you by making you feel guilty for focusing on anything but them. Over time, you are likely to abandon activities you once enjoyed and suppress parts of your true self in order to please the narcissist. Losing your interests and passions leaves you feeling bored, empty and directionless, since your only purpose becomes catering to the narcissist.
Signs You Have Lost Touch With Your Interests
– No longer finding joy in hobbies and activities you once loved
– Feeling bored, apathetic and rudderless
– Abandoning goals you were once passionate about
– Suppressing your uniqueness to please the narcissist
– Having no creative outlets or ways to express yourself
Isolation from Friends and Family
Narcissists frequently isolate their victims as a way to increase control. They may openly forbid you from spending time with family and friends. Or they may covertly alienate you from loved ones by making you feel guilty for focusing on anyone but them. They are also prone to sudden, unprovoked outbursts against your friends and relatives. This causes your social circles to gradually wither away out of your life. Being isolated leaves you solely dependent on the narcissist for companionship. You also lose access to the emotional support that could help you cope with the abuse.
How Narcissists Isolate You
– Criticizing your friends and family
– Making you feel guilty for spending time with others
– Claiming others are undermining the relationship
– Cutting you off from social media and communication
– Sabotaging your plans and events with loved ones
– Refusing to interact with your support network
Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Healthy relationships require clear boundaries that balance the needs of both people. Narcissists trample over healthy boundaries by making endless demands on your time, emotions, money or other resources. Saying “no” almost always provokes a narcissistic rage or guilt-tripping. Over time, you learn it is easier to let your own boundaries erode rather than deal with the narcissist’s manipulation and anger. Without boundaries, you gradually lose a sense of agency in your own life. Setting limits and asserting your needs becomes terrifying. This leads to a highly unbalanced relationship.
Ways Narcissists Disrespect Boundaries
– Demanding things from you without reciprocating
– Ignoring your attempts to say no or set limits
– Making you feel guilty or afraid for asserting yourself
– Retaliating with anger or abuse when you set a boundary
– Violating your privacy or oversharing intimate details
– Treating you like an extension of themselves
Appeasing Behavior
When you have been downtrodden for so long, your primary coping mechanism becomes appeasing the narcissist. You compulsively put their needs first in the desperate hope of avoiding their anger and receiving the love you crave. Unfortunately, no amount of appeasement satisfy a narcissist for long. This pattern of people-pleasing and walking on eggshells actually feeds into the narcissistic supply they crave. Some signs of trauma bonding and appeasing behavior include:
Signs of Appeasing Behavior
– Putting the narcissist’s needs before your own
– Compulsively avoiding conflict with them
– Making excuses for their abusive behavior
– Idealizing them during periods when they treat you well
– Working hard to please them or “do things right”
– Avoiding topics or activities that may upset them
Diminished Sense of Self
The cumulative effect of narcissistic abuse is that you lose a clear sense of self. After being invalidated and diminished for so long, you doubt your own inner worth and values. Instead, you unconsciously take on the narcissist’s beliefs and priorities as your own. You may veer between feeling defiant and feeling worthless – but neither represents a balanced, integrated sense of self-identity. Healing from narcissistic abuse requires reintegrating the fragmented parts of yourself so you can reclaim an empowered sense of self independent of the narcissist’s control or validation.
Signs You Have Lost Your Sense of Self
– Feeling “empty” inside or unsure of your identity
– Judging yourself through the eyes of the narcissist
– Habitually putting yourself down
– Losing touch with your own needs, emotions, and preferences
– Feeling like a small child in their presence
– Confusing their beliefs and priorities as your own
Physical Health Effects
Prolonged emotional abuse and anxiety can lead to real physical health consequences. People in relationships with narcissists often experience:
- Insomnia
- Fatigue and low energy
- Stomach issues or nausea
- Headaches and back pain
- Weight loss or gain
- Lowered immunity and frequent sickness
These physical symptoms occur because chronic stress weakens the immune system and disrupts the body’s natural balance. Seeking medical care and being honest with your doctor about your situation is important. Ongoing stress and anxiety often requires treatment through therapy, medication or other interventions.
PTSD
Without intervention, the long term effects of narcissistic abuse can develop into PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). PTSD involves intrusive memories, flashbacks, panic attacks, and hypervigilance even when no longer in contact with the abuser. Sufferers experience emotional numbness, nightmares, insomnia, and disconnection from reality that makes relationships and normal life very difficult.
Symptoms of PTSD from Narcissistic Abuse
– Flashbacks where you vividly re-experience the trauma
– Nightmares related to the abuse
– Intense emotional distress at reminders of the narcissist
– Heightened reactivity, anxiety and physical symptoms
– Avoiding people, places or activities that remind you of the trauma
– Detachment, isolation, lack of emotions
– Difficulty remembering details of the traumatic events
– Persistent negative beliefs like “I am worthless”
Re-establishing Healthy Boundaries
When attempting to heal from narcissistic abuse, one of the first steps is to re-establish healthy boundaries with the narcissist. This may mean severely limiting contact, or in some cases going “no contact.” Sticking to your boundaries often requires support from a counselor, coach or support group. Be prepared for initial pushback and attempts at manipulation to get you to back down.
Tips for Setting Boundaries with a Narcissist
– Start small by setting limits in less emotionally-charged areas
– Use clear, firm language about what you will accept or not accept
– Repeat your boundaries calmly like a broken record
– Get support from others so you stay strong when tested
– Let natural consequences do the teaching when boundaries are crossed
– Be prepared to go “no contact” if needed for your well-being
Seeking Validation from Healthy Sources
To counteract the effects of narcissistic abuse, consciously seek validating experiences from compassionate, trustworthy people. This “reparenting” process helps rebuild your sense of self-worth outside the narcissist’s control. Join support groups, connect with healthy friends, pursue growth experiences, or work with a counselor. Be patient – it takes time to internalize new beliefs about your value.
Ways to Get Validation from Healthy Sources
– Share your story with a support group or counselor
– Make new friendships based on empathy and respect
– Pursue learning experiences to gain confidence
– Take on challenges that help you reconnect with your strengths
– Volunteer to contribute to causes aligned with your values
– Celebrate successes and wins, both big and small
– Speak encouragingly to yourself rather than self-criticizing
Processing Trauma
Processing the traumatic wounds inflicted by narcissists is key to healing. This may involve grieving the illusion of the relationship, releasing bottled-up emotions from the abuse, or consciously building new thought patterns to counteract narcissistic programming. Therapy provides important guidance, as confronting trauma alone can overwhelm you. Take things slowly and get support.
Healthy Ways to Process Narcissistic Abuse Trauma
– Journaling or free-writing about emotions and experiences
– Working with a therapist trained in narcissistic abuse recovery
– Joining a support group with others who understand
– Slowly opening up to trusted friends and family about the abuse
– Allowing yourself to grieve the illusion of the relationship
– Letting go of false beliefs the narcissist imposed on you
– Engaging your body through yoga, EMDR or somatic exercises
Why No Contact is Essential
For many survivors, the only way to fully heal from narcissistic abuse is to go “no contact” and end all communication with the narcissist. Narcissists are masters of manipulation and use any remaining access to you to undermine recovery. Staying in contact prolongs trauma bonds, triggers anxiety, drains your emotions, and sabotages your progress. Prioritize your mental health and safety.
Benefits of Going No Contact with a Narcissist
– Removes their ability to manipulate your emotions
– Frees up mental energy previously spent worrying
– Allows you to process trauma and begin healing
– Lets you build a stable sense of self and identity
– Reduces anxiety, depression, and stress
– Helps establish healthy boundaries long-term
– Opens up space for new healthy relationships
Getting Professional Help
You do not have to heal from narcissistic abuse alone. Seeking professional support is wise – the patterns can be extremely complex and powerful. A trained therapist can provide tools to process trauma, grieve the relationship, identify triggers, establish boundaries, and integrate fragmented parts of yourself back into wholeness. Support groups also provide important validation and coping strategies from others who have been there. Investing in your recovery and wholeness is worth it.
Benefits of Professional Help for Narcissistic Abuse
– Guidance to safely process complex trauma
– A non-judgmental person who understands narcissism
– Tools to disentangle from thought patterns and anxiety
– Help identifying and establishing strong boundaries
– Insights into behaviours that may unconsciously replay trauma
– A supportive community who has been through similar experiences
– Practical strategies to re-build confidence and self-worth
Becoming Your Own Best Friend
A vital part of healing is learning to talk to yourself with the same care and understanding you would give to a loved one. The narcissist’s voice will inevitably linger in your thoughts with criticism and judgment. Combat this by consciously cultivating an inner voice that is patient, compassionate, and encouraging. Affirm your strengths, understand your challenges with empathy, and nurture yourself through this journey of growth. You deserve your own love and care.
Ways to Become Your Own Best Friend
– Notice self-critical thoughts and intentionally reframe them with gentleness
– Identify your needs in any situation – then focus on meeting them with kindness
– Imagine how you would support a loved one in your situation – then give that care to yourself
– Celebrate and appreciate your wins, efforts and good intentions, even if small
– Write a letter of encouragement and compassion to yourself
– Identify positive qualities about yourself and build self-esteem through affirmations
– Be patient with your setbacks or failures, rather than judging them
Emerging with New Strengths
The struggle of healing from narcissistic abuse will also lead to the growth of new positive qualities within yourself. You will emerge with greater wisdom about life, deeper understanding of your own needs, increased compassion, keener intuition, stronger boundaries, and an upgraded ability to spot narcissistic traits early on. Seeing these new strengths blossom will empower you as your own person.
Potential Gifts Gained from Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
– A deeper knowing of your own inherent worth
– Ability to powerfully say “no” and set boundaries
– Improved listening skills and emotional intelligence
– Greater trust in your intuition and inner truth
– Increased empathy for others who are hurting
– Deeperspiritual connection and wisdom
– Knowledge of healthy relationship dynamics
– Skill at identifying narcissistic traits quickly
– Understanding of your needs and top values
Conclusion
The impact of being in relationship with a narcissist can be devastating, but healing is absolutely possible. Know you are not alone in experiencing these effects from narcissistic abuse. Support and professional help can guide you through safely processing trauma, establishing healthy boundaries, finding inner validation, and emerging on the other side with new strength, compassion and self-knowledge. You deserve to feel whole. The journey will not be fast or easy, but healing will happen one small step at a time as you reclaim your self-worth and wholeness. You’ve got this.