Dealing with a narcissist can be incredibly draining and leave you feeling confused about their motivations and desires. Narcissists tend to see relationships as transactional, putting their own needs first and using other people as a means to get what they want. When in a relationship with a narcissist, you may often wonder, “what does a narcissist want from me?” Understanding their motivations and desires can help you protect yourself and make better choices when interacting with them.
1. Admiration and Validation
Narcissists have an extreme need for admiration and validation from others. Their sense of self-worth depends on receiving positive feedback and approval from others. They want you to see them as impressive, superior, and flawless. Some common ways they seek validation include:
- Fishing for compliments
- Showing off accomplishments or material items
- Seeking positions of power and influence
- Looking down on others as inferior
They rely on external validation to fill an inner void and cover up deep-seated insecurities. Your role is to be their admiring audience and provide ongoing praise and adoration. They expect you to think the world of them and inflate their egos at every turn. Failing to provide sufficient validation will likely provoke their narcissistic rage.
2. Loyalty and Devotion
Narcissists expect priority and exclusivity in relationships. They want you to make them the center of your world. Signs of desired loyalty and devotion include:
- Jealousy about you spending time with others
- Making unreasonable demands on your time and attention
- Isolating you from friends and family
- Requiring constant check-ins and communication
You are expected to prove your dedication by catering to their needs, agreeing with their opinions, including them in all activities, and prioritizing them above all else. Many narcissists will use devaluation and threats (such as threatening to end the relationship) if you fail to provide sufficient loyalty and devotion.
3. Service and Caretaking
Narcissists see themselves as superior beings who deserve the very best in life. They want partners who pamper them and tend to their every need. Examples include:
- Expecting royal treatment (the very best of everything)
- Insisting on perfection (food, home, appearance)
- Making unreasonable demands
- Throwing tantrums or lashing out when needs aren’t met
You are expected to serve as their personal assistant, servant, housekeeper, chauffeur, chef, etc. Your own needs are dismissed as less important. Saying “no” or setting healthy boundaries will likely anger them. You exist to serve their needs and make their life as comfortable and convenient as possible.
4. Sex on Demand
Narcissists often view their partners as objects to fulfill their sexual needs and desires. They may insist on sex or certain acts regardless of your own preferences or comfort level. Expectations include:
- Sexualize the relationship early on
- Make unreasonable sexual demands
- Have affairs if needs are unmet
- Use guilt, criticism, or threats if rejected
Your consent, enjoyment, and preferences are unimportant. You are expected to sexually gratify them whenever and however they want or face harsh consequences and retaliation.
5. Money and Resources
Financial exploitation is common in relationships with narcissists. They view you as someone to fund their enviable lifestyle. Behaviors include:
- Freeloading off you
- Building financial dependence
- Splurging on luxury items
- Running up debt in joint accounts
- Hiding spending and assets
You are expected to financially support them fully, limit your own spending, tolerate their reckless decisions, and conceal debts they accumulate. Saying “no” will likely result in manipulation, guilt-tripping, or rage. They feel entitled to exploit your resources.
6. A Punching Bag
Narcissists build themselves up by tearing others down. Having a partner they can treat as a scapegoat helps them unload their negative emotions and feel superior. They may:
- Insult, criticize, and humiliate you
- Make unfounded accusations
- Yell, scream, or call you names
- Blame and scapegoat you
You are expected to accept undeserved blame without objection. Their cruel words and abuse get dumped onto you so they can feel powerful and perfect in comparison. Standing up to the abuse risks provoking their rage.
7. Ongoing Drama and Chaos
Narcissists thrive on drama and upheaval. They want partners who get drawn into their chaotic vortex. Tactics include:
- Starting arguments over minor issues
- Making everything an emergency
- Churning up crises
- Provoking intense reactions
You are expected to get caught up in their whirlwind of manufactured drama. Your time will be spent calming them down, solving their problems, or cleaning up their messes. They feel important when you continually react to their chaos.
8. Secrecy and Isolation
Narcissists often demand secrecy in relationships. They want to isolate you from support systems that might challenge their control or reveal their abuses. Examples include:
- Forbidding you from confiding in others
- Monitoring your communications
- Preventing contact with friends and family
- Accusing loved ones of ill intentions
You are expected to keep their behaviors confidential and avoid seeking input from outsiders they haven’t approved. Your isolation allows their abuses to continue undiscovered. Attempts to reach out will likely provoke retaliation.
9. Amnesia about Past Wrongs
Narcissists want partners with short memories about their past wrongdoings. Even after horrific treatment, they expect:
- Forgiveness on demand
- Restoration of trust immediately
- Resumption of “normal” relationship right away
- All memory of abuse erased from your mind
You are expected to “forgive and forget” mistreatment instantly. They want to skip past amends, counseling, or rebuilding trust. Consequences teach them nothing since they feel entitled to act abusively without repercussion.
10. Anxiety and Groveling as “Punishment”
When narcissists mistreat their partners, they expect a certain response. Rather than making amends, they want:
- Profuse apologies from you (even if they’re in the wrong)
- Grandiose gestures of devotion
- Showering them with praise and gifts
- Promises of better behavior from you
They want to sit back while you anxiously try to earn back their approval and good graces. You are expected to grovel, beg, and jump through hoops to prove you’ll be less “defiant” in the future. Real change is never required of them.
Conclusion
In summary, narcissists generally want partners to serve as obedient and devoted sources of validation, sex, money, and other scarce resources. You are expected to inflate their egos, cater to their needs, tolerate cruelty and abuse, and keep their behaviors private. Recognizing their likely motives and unrealistic expectations allows you to stop internalizing blame and instead make healthier choices for your own well-being.