Dealing with a narcissist can be draining and emotionally taxing. When you finally get the courage to move on from the relationship, it can feel liberating. However, many people find that the narcissist does not let go so easily. Narcissists have an intense need to control people and situations. When you try to break free from their grasp, it threatens their sense of power and superiority. This results in some predictable behaviors as the narcissist fights to maintain their control over you.
Hoovering
One of the most common things narcissists do when you move on is attempt to suck you back into the relationship through a tactic called “hoovering.” This term refers to how a Hoover vacuum aggressively sucks up dirt and debris. When you move on, the narcissist loses their source of validation and attention. To get their “fix” back, they will try to hoover you back into the relationship through manipulation, lies, threats or other tactics.
For example, they may:
- Bombard you with texts, calls or emails proclaiming their love and regret
- Make grand apologies and promises about how much they’ve changed
- Tell you they can’t live without you
- Threaten to harm themselves if you don’t come back
- Stalk you online or in-person to keep tabs on you
Narcissists can be incredibly convincing manipulators, so even if you know better it can be tempting to believe their lies and feel sorry for them. It’s important to stay strong and remember they are only saying these things to serve themselves, not because they actually care. The narcissist does not truly miss you – they miss the power, control and validation you provided.
Raging and threats
If the narcissist realizes their hoovering attempts aren’t working, their kind façade may quickly disappear. Once they see they have lost their grip on you, many narcissists resort to threats or fits of rage. Some common ways this rage presents itself include:
- Leaving nasty voice messages or texts filled with name-calling, accusations and anger
- Threats to ruin your reputation by spreading lies about you
- Threats to withhold financial support or prevent you from seeing children (if relevant)
- Actual physical violence – some narcissists escalate to physical abuse if they sense they are totally losing control
- Stalking, harassing or endangering your loved ones in an attempt to hurt you
This switch from idealization to devaluation is one of the hallmarks of narcissistic relationships. When they realize you will not willingly submit to their control any longer, their goal becomes re-establishing dominance through these aggressive tactics. It’s important not to react or give in when the narcissist tries to provoke you through this behavior. Avoid direct engagement and clearly communicate any boundaries you set.
Smear campaigns
In their quest for control, narcissists weaponize the truth. A common way they react to losing power over you is by launching a “smear campaign.” The goal is to systematically destroy your reputation and credibility with lies in order to isolate you. Common smear campaign tactics include:
- Spreading vicious gossip and rumors about you to family, friends, colleagues or community members
- Posting slander and misinformation about you online or inciting others to cyberbully you
- Reporting false claims about you to authorities to “punish” you
- Impersonating you or creating fake accounts to post inflammatory content
- Digging up or exaggerating past mistakes and presenting a distorted view of you
The narcissist knows your vulnerabilities and deepest insecurities, and they weaponize this knowledge to portray you as mentally unstable, untrustworthy, dangerous or abusive. Their goal is making you look so awful that others turn against you. This isolates you and makes you more vulnerable to the narcissist’s control again.
Punishing indifference
One of the best ways to frustrate a narcissist is to cut off their narcissistic supply – the validation, praise and attention they feel entitled to. When you move on, you’re no longer providing that supply. This drives narcissists insane. They may try to punish you for your indifference or lack of reaction through tactics like:
- Flaunting a new relationship in front of you (or pretending to – it may not even be real)
- Making a show of being happy and moving on without you
- Bragging about achievements or exaggerating success
- Making critical or condescending remarks to get under your skin
- Sabotaging your work, relationships or social life behind the scenes
Narcissists want you to know they don’t need you. But truthfully, they hate that you don’t seem to need them anymore either. Don’t let them get to you – the narcissist’s indifference is just an act to hide their validated ego and bruised pride.
Projection and gaslighting
Projection and gaslighting are two common manipulation tactics used by narcissists. When you move on, the narcissist may engage in even more projection and gaslighting to discredit you or salvage their fragile ego.
Projection is when the narcissist ascribes their own flaws, misdeeds or undesirable traits onto you. For example, they may start vicious rumors that you were abusive, cheating or mentally unstable – when in reality, this describes their own behavior. By projecting their issues onto you, they avoid accountability and try to turn others against you.
Gaslighting describes the narcissist’s attempts to destabilize your reality through deception, misdirection and contradiction. For example, they may deny abusive things they said or did, even if you remember them vividly. The goal is making you question your version of events and even your own sanity. When you move on, narcissists may gaslight history to avoid taking responsibility for the relationship’s demise.
Don’t argue or try to reason with a narcissist’s projections or gaslighting attempts. Focus on disengaging and surrounding yourself with people who build you up.
Stalking and harassment
In the narcissist’s eyes, you belong to them forever. Even after the relationship ends, they see you as their possession. When you move on, the narcissist may escalate to stalking or harassing you in hopes of regaining control. Narcissistic stalking behaviors include:
- Following you to or from work
- Showing up uninvited at your home, workplace or social spots
- Tracking you with hidden cameras, listening devices or location-tracking apps
- Monitoring your phone calls, emails, texts and social media activity
- Snooping through your mail, trash or medical records
- Having others watch you or report back on your activities
Narcissistic harassment may involve repeated unwanted contact like:
- Flooding your inbox with bizarre emails or texts
- Making unsolicited and repeated phone calls
- Leaving disturbing notes or gifts on your car or doorstep
- Creating new social media profiles to contact you if blocked
- Signing you up for unwanted services to clog your inbox
Stalking and harassment are power plays meant to intimidate you, provoke reactions and make you feel unsafe in your life. Document all concerning incidents and don’t hesitate to contact the police if you fear for your safety.
Fear of abandonment
Under the narcissist’s grandiose facade is often an intense fear of abandonment. Early childhood attachments and trauma likely left them with a shaky sense of self and fear of rejection. When you move on, this abandonment terror emerges. They may cycle rapidly between trying to punish you and desperately pleading to keep you in their lives in some capacity.
To manage this abandonment panic, narcissists may:
- Offer friendship, promising to change or make amends
- Threaten self-harm if you disappear from their life
- Make vague threats about destroying you if you cut contact
- Use fear, obligation and guilt tactics to keep you by their side
- Pretend the relationship meant nothing all along
Ultimately, the narcissist feels entitled to have you in their orbit on their terms, feeding their ego – whether as a partner, friend or enemy. Don’t buy into false promises or guilt trips. Move forward and let them deal with their own fears.
Feigning indifference
Some narcissists will feign total indifference to disguise their rage at being discarded. They want you to believe they feel nothing so you’ll be hurt. Strategies include:
- Refusing to speak to you at all
- Cutting off financial support or access to healthcare
- Cutting off access to children/family (if relevant)
- Return gifts and belongings back to you
- Acting happy, busy and upbeat when you’re around
- Announcing they’re seeing someone new
Don’t believe this act – they are fuming and outraged beneath their false mask. Their goal is making you feel worthless and discarded. Hold your head high and focus on healing.
Self-victimization
Narcissists view themselves as perpetual victims. They deflect all blame and refuse accountability for their actions. When you leave them, they quickly spin tales painting themselves as the victim. They may:
- Claim you abused or took advantage of them
- Tell people lies to evoke sympathy from others
- Blame the entire relationship’s failure on you
- Exaggerate small slights or misunderstandings from you
- Claim they were treated unfairly
This victim mentality serves the narcissist by discouraging scrutiny of their actions. Don’t waste effort arguing or disproving their false claims. Let the narcissist wallow in their victimhood as you focus on your own healing.
Rebound relationships
Narcissists need constant validation and attention from their partners – it’s called narcissistic supply. When their primary source of supply (you) disappears, they quickly seek new supply sources. This may manifest as:
- Excessive flirting, fishing for compliments from others
- Promiscuous behavior like one-night stands, affairs or using dating apps
- Quickly jumping into a new relationship to avoid feeling abandoned
- Flaunting the new relationship on social media to make you jealous
- Comparing you negatively to the new partner
Understand that this rebound relationship is not based on real love or emotional connection. The narcissist uses it to fill their endless cravings for validation. Don’t let it impact your self-worth.
Lashing out at loved ones
When you were fulfilling the narcissist’s needs, their family or friends may have gone untouched. But once you’re gone, there’s a void. The narcissist looks for targets to take their mounting frustrations out on. They may:
- Pick fights with family or friends over minor issues
- Unload their anger in nasty ways, like insults or threats
- Blame loved ones for the relationship failing
- Punish people by cutting them off financially or emotionally
- Cheat on spouses or significant others as revenge
The narcissist’s growing bitterness has to go somewhere. Don’t feel responsible for their cruelty against others. Their abusive behavior is not your fault.
Conclusion
When you move on from a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist’s wounded ego and fear of abandonment often drives them to desperate and destructive behavior. But it’s important to remember their reactions say much more about their internal turmoil than about you. Respond with empathy for their suffering, but don’t let their drama deter you from healing.
Surround yourself with supportive people, set strong boundaries and don’t sink to the narcissist’s level. In time, the narcissist will find new targets for their unhealthy behaviors. Focus on your own growth and embrace this chance for a fresh start.