Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. Narcissists typically have very fragile egos and feel the need to uphold a false image of themselves. This leads them to engage in various toxic behaviors in relationships that are ultimately detrimental to their partners. Some key things narcissists commonly do in relationships include:
Love Bombing
When a relationship begins, narcissists will often shower their partner with excessive affection, compliments, gifts, and promises for the future. This is known as love bombing, and it is done to make their partner emotionally dependent on them early in the relationship. Once emotional dependency is established, the narcissist will use it to manipulate and control their partner.
Constant Criticism
Once the love bombing phase is over, the narcissist will become highly critical of their partner. They will critique their partner’s appearance, interests, friends, family, and anything else they can find fault with. This constant criticism chips away at the partner’s self-esteem over time, making them strive for the narcissist’s approval.
Gaslighting
Narcissists frequently engage in gaslighting against their partners. Gaslighting involves distorting the truth and denying reality to confuse the other person. For example, if the partner confronts the narcissist about something hurtful they did, the narcissist may insist it never actually happened to make their partner doubt their own perception of events. This mental manipulation leads the partner to feel unstable and dependent on the narcissist.
Withholding Affection
Healthy relationships involve mutual care and affection. However, narcissists view relationships as a means of securing supply for their egos. When their partner fails to provide sufficient positive feedback or demands reciprocity, the narcissist punishes them by withholding affection. They may give their partner the silent treatment for days or weeks as a manipulative tactic.
Triangulation
Triangulation occurs when the narcissist introduces another person into the relationship to make their partner jealous or insecure. For example, the narcissist may openly flirt with someone else in front of their partner. Or they may talk about someone else to their partner excessively to provoke a reaction. Triangulation reinforces the partner’s fear of losing the relationship and their effort to win the narcissist back.
Pathological Lying
Most narcissists are compulsive liars. They fabricate stories and embellish events to cast themselves in a positive light. When their lies are discovered, they project by accusing their partner of dishonesty. The combination of chronic lying and blame shifting makes it nearly impossible to trust the narcissist.
Financial Control
Narcissists need to feel in control, so they will try to control the couple’s finances. They may forbid their partner from working, tightly limit their access to money, or make significant purchases without consulting them. This financial abuse enhances the partner’s dependence and makes it harder for them to leave.
Verbal Abuse
Though not all narcissists are physically abusive, most employ emotional abuse tactics like yelling, name-calling, blaming, shaming, insulting, belittling, and raging at their partners. Over time, this verbal abuse chips away at the partner’s self-worth.
Isolation from Friends and Family
Narcissists feel threatened by their partner having outside connections. They worry friends and family will reveal their bad behavior or convince the partner to leave. To obtain full control, narcissists slowly cut off their partner from their external support networks.
Why Do Narcissists Engage in These Behaviors?
Narcissists tend to engage in toxic relationship patterns due to a mix of personality traits like:
Low empathy
The core of narcissism is an inability to empathize and care about others’ needs. Their lack of empathy leads them to devalue, criticize, and manipulate their partners without remorse. Partners are viewed as tools for ego gratification rather than people with emotions.
Sense of entitlement
Narcissists feel entitled to constant validation, praise, and preferential treatment from others. In relationships, this manifests as expectations for partners to cater to their every need. They become cold, critical, or abusive when these expectations aren’t met.
Needs for power and control
Narcissists have an insatiable need to exert power over others to protect their fragile self-image. Controlling their partner’s behaviors, finances, social life, and emotions makes them feel strong, important, and in charge.
Extreme jealousy
Narcissists are highly possessive and jealous in relationships. They view their partner as an extension of themselves and can’t stand the thought of them being independent. Healthy activities like spending time with friends or work success are threats.
Fragile ego
Behind their grandiose facade, narcissists have very low self-esteem. Their ego is extremely fragile and requires constant propping up from others. When partners stop feeding their ego needs, narcissists resort to destructive behaviors to regain superiority.
Inability to reflect
Narcissists lack the ability to reflect on their own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and motivations. This means they are unable to step back and see how they negatively impact their partners, so the toxic patterns continue.
Do Narcissists Ever Change or Improve?
Narcissism is considered a lifelong personality disorder that is highly resistant to change, even with psychotherapy. This leaves partners feeling hopeless about improving the relationship. However, some things that may help narcissists modify their behaviors include:
Consistent boundary setting
Setting clear boundaries around what behaviors you will and won’t accept helps temper some narcissistic tendencies. Refusing to tolerate disrespect or criticism often makes narcissists at least keep those behaviors in check.
Limiting ego supply
Withholding lavish praise, attention, and validation can discourage narcissists from engaging in manipulation and game playing. However, this must be done carefully to avoid narcissistic rage.
Holding them accountable
Partners must hold narcissists accountable for toxic behavior through natural consequences. Making it clear their actions will damage the relationship often motivates narcissists to control extremes.
Medication
Some narcissistic symptoms like lack of empathy, impulsivity, and anger issues can be improved through psychiatric medications. Medication combined with therapy provides the best chance for behavioral change.
Individual counseling
Seeing an empathetic, compassionate therapist helps some narcissists adopt more mindful thought patterns and relate to others differently over time through self-reflection. Progress is often slow, so partners must be patient.
Couples counseling
Joint counseling can uncover the narcissist’s toxic patterns, forcing them to listen to their partner’s grievances. It may motivate desired changes. However, narcissists often manipulate counselors, so the partner must speak up.
Conclusion
Narcissistic relationships are predominantly detrimental for the non-narcissistic partner due to the laundry list of manipulative and abusive behaviors narcissists employ to safeguard their inflated egos. While some improvements may be possible through boundary setting, therapy, and compassionate understanding, narcissism is considered largely incorrigible. Those involved with a narcissist often face an agonizing decision between preserving their own dignity and well-being by leaving, or maintaining hope their partner can change for the better over time. There are no easy answers, but gaining education about the narcissistic personality provides vital insight for those struggling to cope with a narcissistic partner.
