Anger is a common emotion experienced by people of all attachment styles. However, the causes and expressions of anger may differ depending on one’s attachment pattern. Understanding how attachment style influences anger can provide insight into healthy ways of processing this intense emotion.
What is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory originated with psychologist John Bowlby, who proposed that an infant’s early relationship with primary caregivers leads to the development of an attachment style that shapes social and emotional patterns throughout life. He identified three main attachment styles:
- Secure: Feeling worthy of love and that others are generally trustworthy and reliable.
- Anxious: Worrying about rejection and abandonment even from close partners.
- Avoidant: Difficulty depending on others and distrust of intimacy.
Researcher Mary Ainsworth further developed attachment theory by outlining specific patterns of relating associated with each style. She noticed that securely attached infants felt confident their caregivers would respond to their needs. Anxiously attached babies showed distress when separated from caregivers, while avoidantly attached infants did not appear upset.
How Anger Relates to Insecure Attachment
Individuals with secure attachment cope with anger constructively by having open conversations, taking space if needed, and addressing issues in the relationship. However, both forms of insecure attachment – anxious and avoidant – correlate with some anger-related challenges.
Anxious Attachment and Anger
Those with anxious attachment often experience anger in the following ways:
- Hypervigilance and heightened sensitivity to perceived slights or threats to the relationship.
- More frequent and intense feelings of anger or outrage.
- “Flooding” – becoming quickly overwhelmed by anger.
- Difficulty self-soothing.
- Lashing out or making accusations due to fears of abandonment.
- Obsessive overthinking about upsetting incidents.
This constant anxiety about the relationship drives reactive anger responses. The desperate need for closeness also leads to poorer conflict resolution skills.
Avoidant Attachment and Anger
Those with avoidant attachment tend to handle anger through:
- Minimizing the importance of upsetting events.
- Repressing angry feelings or denying vulnerability.
- Withdrawing emotionally or physically.
- Difficulty naming or discussing anger directly.
- Passive-aggressive expressions of anger.
The compulsion for independence and distrust of relying on others causes those with avoidant attachment to isolate when angry rather than reconcile. Suppressed anger may later erupt due to this unhealthy repression.
How Specific Attachment Patterns Relate to Anger
Within the broad anxious and avoidant attachment categories, psychologists have identified four attachment sub-styles that influence anger distinctively:
Fearful-Avoidant
Fearful-avoidants have an acute fear of rejection combined with distrust of intimacy. As a result, this style often involves high levels of anger and hostility alongside social avoidance.
Dismissive-Avoidant
Dismissive-avoidants are more likely to detach from anger by denying the importance of issues and suppressing vulnerable emotions beneath a facade of indifference.
Preoccupied
The preoccupied style is marked by anxiety about abandonment, obsessive thoughts about relationships, and difficulty regulating emotions. This leads to intense, flooding anger reactions and outbursts of rage.
Disorganized
Individuals with a disorganized attachment style often have unresolved trauma and high emotional dysregulation. Their anger is intense but oscillates between outbursts and emotional numbness.
How Anger Relates to Different Personality Types
Looking at common personality features connected to each attachment style also illuminates patterns with anger:
| Attachment Style | Personality Traits | Anger Expression |
|---|---|---|
| Secure | Confident, optimistic, self-assured | Moderated, reasonable |
| Anxious | Self-critical, neurotic, emotionally unstable | Frequent, intense |
| Avoidant | Cynical, introverted, competitive | Repressed or passive-aggressive |
The table summarizes how common traits of each attachment style relate to anger. Securely attached individuals with high self-esteem can better regulate anger. Anxious personalities are more volatile, while avoidant personalities suppress anger but may have outbursts despite their typical distancing.
Causes of Anger Based on Attachment Style
The origins of anger also differ among attachment styles:
Secure Anger Triggers
- Betrayal of trust
- Destructive conflict
- Feeling devalued or disrespected
- Unmet needs
Secure people’s anger often arises from clear boundary violations within the relationship.
Anxious Anger Triggers
- Perceived signs of rejection or abandonment
- Jealousy
- Feeling unloved
- Lack of reciprocation
- Negative tone or facial expressions from partner
Anxious individuals’ anger stems from hypersensitivity about possible threats to the relationship.
Avoidant Anger Triggers
- Feeling controlled or suffocated
- Too much vulnerability or intimacy
- Pressured to share feelings
- Another person’s emotional needs
Avoidants become angry when feeling coerced to depend on others or open up emotionally.
How Anger Manifests Physically Based on Attachment Style
Individuals also exhibit anger through different physical manifestations and actions:
Secure anger:
- Controlled, calm tone of voice
- Assertive body language
- Able to discuss anger productively
- Willing to compromise
Anxious anger:
- Yelling, screaming
- Crying
- Pacing, agitation
- Verbally abusive remarks
- Making threats
Avoidant anger:
- Stonewalling, silence
- Withdrawing physically
- Sarcasm, cutting remarks
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Sabotaging partnerIndirect
Secure anger takes a balanced, constructive approach. Anxious anger is volatile and attacking. Avoidant anger is colder and more indirect.
How Anger Impacts Relationships Based on Attachment Style
Anger also damages relationships in distinct ways:
Secure Anger
- Able to fight fair, resolve conflicts
- Disagreements don’t linger or damage bond
- Anger is expressed, then partner’s are reconciled
Anxious Anger
- Constant accusations
- Destructive arguments
- Vengeful; holding grudges
- Push partner away
Avoidant Anger
- Suppressed anger leads to buried resentment
- Walls off from the relationship
- Eruptions of anger after bottling up feelings
- Damages intimacy and trust
While secure anger can improve relationships through honesty, both anxious and avoidant anger patterns cause lasting harm.
Strategies for Managing Anger by Attachment Style
While anger is inevitable, the following tips can help minimize its destructiveness:
Secure
- Be willing to compromise
- Take a break if needed
- Use “I” statements
- Don’t make accusations
- Talk through issues after calming down
Anxious
- Communicate needs and feelings without attacking
- Don’t catastrophize if partner seems distant
- Reduce obsessive fixation on anger
- Practice relaxation techniques
- Increase self-soothing skills
Avoidant
- Don’t bottle up anger, find constructive outlets
- Own your role in conflicts
- If needed, say “I need some time” instead of stonewalling
- Practice vulnerability and sharing feelings
- Get help processing unresolved trauma
While anger itself is not unhealthy, how individuals handle it can either strengthen bonds or contribute to dysfunctional relationships patterns.
When to Seek Help
If anger seems uncontrollable or damages your relationships, seeking help is wise. A psychologist can assist with:
- Processing past trauma contributing to anger issues
- Identifying automatic thoughts triggering anger
- Learning coping strategies
- Communicating needs in a healthier way
- Individual or couples counseling
With professional support, individuals can better understand their anger patterns and reduce the harm to themselves and relationships.
Conclusion
Anger arises in all people but manifests in different ways based on attachment style. While secure individuals can often work through anger productively, insecure styles like anxious or avoidant attachment struggle with dysregulated and destructive expressions of anger. By understanding the roots and patterns of anger, individuals can begin taking steps to manage it in healthier ways, protecting both themselves and their relationships.