Having wandering eyes refers to the tendency to look at other people in a way that shows sexual or romantic interest, when you are already in a committed relationship. It is a common issue that many couples face, as it can lead to feelings of jealousy, hurt, and compromise trust in the relationship.
What causes wandering eyes?
There are several potential causes behind wandering eyes:
- Attraction – It’s natural to find other people attractive besides your partner. However, some handle that attraction better than others. Wandering eyes can stem from impulse control issues.
- Boredom – If the spark has gone out of a long-term relationship, some may start looking elsewhere for excitement. Wandering eyes can be a sign that there are underlying issues with the relationship dynamics.
- Ego – The attention and validation from other people may provide an ego boost. Even if they have no intention to act on it, some enjoy the feeling of being admired.
- Habit – Checking other people out may be a habit someone developed when single, that carried over into the relationship.
Is it natural?
Many would argue that having wandering eyes is natural and instinctual behavior that is hard to avoid. We are naturally drawn to beauty, and designed to notice attractive individuals as it relates to attraction and finding a mate. However, continuing to act on those impulses when in a committed relationship can be hurtful.
It also depends why the eyes are wandering. Glancing occasionally may be instinctual. But frequently staring, flirting, and fantasizing about others often stems from an issue like boredom, ego, or lack of self-control.
How common is it?
Wandering eyes are extremely common among both men and women. In one survey, 74% of men and 68% of women admitted checking out someone other than their partner. Many do it without even thinking about it or realizing they are doing it.
However, rates are much lower when it comes to acting out on those impulses. In one survey, only 7% of married men and 12% of married women admitted to ever being unfaithful.
When is it considered emotional cheating?
There is no definitive line for when wandering eyes cross into emotional cheating. It often comes down to each couple’s opinion and comfort levels. However, some potential signs it has gone too far include:
- Frequently staring at someone in a lustful way
- Flirting back when someone flirts with you
- Fantasizing or daydreaming about another person
- Looking up a person repeatedly on social media
- Confiding in or discussing intimate issues with someone you find attractive
While most would not consider glancing at someone occasionally as cheating, anything that fosters inappropriate intimacy or emotional connection likely crosses the line.
How to stop wandering eyes
If wandering eyes are negatively impacting a relationship, here are some tips to stop:
- Have an open discussion about boundaries and what makes each partner uncomfortable.
- Identify the root cause, whether it’s boredom, ego issues, lack of attraction, etc. Deal with those relationship problems.
- Practice mindfulness and awareness. Catch yourself when checking others out.
- Limit consumption of media that glorifies objectification.
- Work on redirecting focus back to your partner when out in public.
- Avoid excessive alcohol intake in settings with temptation.
- See a counselor if it’s a true compulsion.
Coping with a partner’s wandering eyes
It’s common to feel jealousy, insecurity, anger or humiliation if you notice your partner frequently checking out other people. Here are some tips for coping:
- Communicate how it makes you feel using “I” statements. Set boundaries.
- Don’t make assumptions about what it means. Openly discuss it.
- Deal with any relationship issues that may be contributing factors.
- Work on confidence and self-esteem.
- Consider counseling to address trust issues and get an outside perspective.
Is it a deal-breaker?
For many couples, occasional wandering eyes are not a deal breaker and something they can move past. However for some, it may cross a line and damage the relationship too much depending on:
- Frequency and severity – Was it an occasional glance or chronic ogling?
- Intention – Was it unconscious instinct or active flirting/pursuit?
- Honesty – Is the person upfront or hiding the behavior?
- Respect – Does the person care how it makes their partner feel?
- Effort – Is the person remorseful and trying to improve?
Chronic and disrespectful wandering eyes, lying about it, and lack of effort to correct it tend to be deal-breakers for most. Occasional human instinct is easier to move past if properly addressed.
Conclusion
Having a wandering eye can be a natural human tendency, but frequently acting on it can damage relationships. The key is addressing the root causes, setting boundaries, communicating honestly, and making efforts to redirect focus back to your partner. With mutual understanding, respect and effort, couples can overcome this issue.