Forgiveness is an important part of healing and moving forward from hurt, betrayal, and other harms. Research shows that practicing forgiveness can benefit both mental and physical health. There are three main types of forgiveness that people can work towards: excusing, forgiving, and reconciling.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is the intentional process of releasing feelings of resentment and anger towards a person who has harmed you, while fostering feelings of compassion and peace. It is not the same as reconciliation, which involves restoring trust and a relationship with the person who caused harm. Forgiveness is primarily for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving, allowing them to move past negative emotions that may be weighing them down.
Benefits of forgiveness
Studies show that practicing forgiveness can:
- Reduce anxiety, stress, and depression
- Lower blood pressure and risk of heart disease
- Strengthen the immune system
- Improve self-esteem and emotional wellbeing
- Preserve important relationships
People who regularly practice forgiveness tend to have better psychological health, stronger relationships, and report greater life satisfaction. Forgiveness allows people to clear away emotional baggage and focus energy in more positive directions.
The three types of forgiveness
There are three main types or stages of forgiveness that counselors and researchers describe:
- Excusing
- Forgiving
- Reconciling
Each type plays an important role in the overall process of letting go of grievances and healing.
1. Excusing
Excusing means waiving punishment or releasing someone from blame for an offense. When you excuse someone, you acknowledge that they committed a wrongdoing but decide not to hold them responsible.
Reasons for excusing may include:
- The harm was minor or unintentional
- Unique circumstances led the person to act out of character
- The wrongdoer has already faced consequences from formal authorities
- The wrongdoer has sincerely apologized and worked to make amends
Excusing is appropriate when holding onto resentment or demanding further punishment seems unnecessary and prevents moving forward. It can be an initial step to reduce anger before working towards full forgiveness.
2. Forgiving
True forgiveness goes beyond simply excusing. It means striving to overcome negative emotions and adopting an attitude of understanding, compassion, and benevolence towards the person who caused harm.
Forgiveness involves:
- Letting go of bitterness, anger, and desires for revenge
- Seeing the humanity of the wrongdoer and empathizing with their situation
- Wishing the best for that person, including growth and healing
This stage of forgiveness is often a gradual process requiring deep self-reflection. It may involve understanding any of your own faults that contributed to the situation. Forgiving is primarily for your own peace of mind, separate from whether the other person deserves it.
3. Reconciling
Reconciliation is the full restoration of trust and a positive relationship with the person who caused harm. It depends on the wrongdoer taking responsibility and requesting forgiveness. Reconciliation is only possible if both parties desire it.
Steps in the reconciliation process may include:
- The wrongdoer sincerely apologizes and expresses remorse
- The harmed person extends goodwill and expresses a willingness to reconcile
- The wrongdoer makes appropriate amends and changes harmful behaviors
- Both parties openly discuss the offense and air grievances
- The harmed person offers forgiveness and lets go of resentment
- Both parties mutually work to rebuild trust and goodwill
Reconciliation is often a rewarding but challenging process. It may not always be possible, especially if the offense was traumatic or if the wrongdoer is unwilling or unable to make amends. However, when successful, reconciliation allows relationships to be restored and flourish.
Deciding which type of forgiveness to work towards
The appropriate type of forgiveness depends on both your unique situation and your readiness to work through emotional pain. Consider:
- The severity of the offense
- How much harm was caused
- The wrongdoer’s attitude and response
- The nature of your relationship
- Whether the wrongdoer is trustworthy
- Your personal needs and ability to move forward
In some cases, excusing may be sufficient. In others, you may be able to work towards full forgiveness. Reconciliation may or may not be wise or possible. Consider each situation individually.
It often helps to speak with a counselor, therapist, or spiritual advisor to determine the healthiest path. Be honest with yourself about your feelings and don’t feel pressured to rush through forgiveness before you are ready.
How to work towards forgiveness
Forgiveness is a process that takes time, self-reflection, and active effort. Here are some tips for fostering forgiveness:
Understand your emotions
Give yourself permission to feel anger, grief, or hurt. Don’t bottle up emotions or berate yourself for being unforgiving. Acknowledge the pain before trying to move past it.
See the humanness in the wrongdoer
Try to empathize and understand what may have motivated them, without excusing their actions. See the ways you share common ground.
Release the desire for revenge
Revenge often backfires by keeping you trapped in negativity. Instead, focus on inner peace.
Rewrite the narrative
When memories or anger surface, consciously replace them with positive thoughts, wishes, and images.
Write a letter
Writing down your feelings, then symbolically releasing them, can help facilitate healing.
Learn from the experience
Consider how you may have contributed to the situation and lets it be a growth experience.
Practice compassion
Doing volunteer work or reciting prayers can help activate your compassionate nature.
Visualize forgiveness
Picture yourself sincerely forgiving or being reconciled and feel those positive sensations.
Forgive yourself
Self-forgiveness for any role you played creates space for you to forgive others.
Forgiveness meditation exercises
In addition to general tips, structured meditation provides a powerful way to cultivate feelings of forgiveness and release resentment. Here are some examples:
Loving-kindness meditation
Imagine yourself filled with unconditional love, first towards yourself, then towards the wrongdoer. Recite blessings.
Forest bathing visualization
Imagine walking through a peaceful forest, allowing negative feelings to fade. Focus on your senses.
Mirror visualization
Imagine the wrongdoer is a mirror reflecting back opportunities for your own growth and healing.
Gratitude meditation
Concentrate on the gifts, big and small, that life offers. Feel thankfulness replace anger and pain.
Breath awareness
As negative thoughts arise, gently return your focus to the inhale and exhale of each breath.
There are many guided meditations and visualization exercises available to help stimulate forgiveness.
Forgiveness therapy techniques
Psychologists have developed structured therapeutic interventions focused specifically on facilitating forgiveness. These include:
Empty chair technique
Speaking to an empty chair that represents the wrongdoer encourages understanding their perspective.
Letter writing
Writing a letter expressing your grievances, then symbolically destroying it, helps release resentment.
REACH Forgiveness model
This involves steps of recalling the hurt, empathizing, giving an altruistic gift, making a public commitment to forgive, and holding onto that commitment.
Worksheets
Writing exercises address topics like understanding motives, clearing anger, imagining reconciliation, letting go of the past.
Group therapy
Shared experiences and support from others with similar forgiveness struggles can be very impactful.
Therapists can guide you through selecting the most appropriate techniques for your situation.
Overcoming obstacles to forgiveness
Forgiveness does not always come easily. Common obstacles and how to address them include:
| Obstacle | How to Address |
|---|---|
| You can’t let go of anger or hurt | Allow yourself to feel these emotions fully. Don’t try to prematurely “force” forgiveness. |
| You want justice and punishment first | Accept that forgiveness does not absolve consequences. Work on inner peace separately from external justice. |
| You blame yourself | Practice self-forgiveness and recognize your worth. Vow to learn from the experience. |
| The offense seems unforgivable | Forgiveness is a process. With time and support, even severe transgressions can be worked through. |
| You worry forgiveness makes you weak | Forgiveness requires great courage and emotional strength. It is a sign of your character. |
Do not get discouraged. Forgiveness often takes time. With compassion towards yourself and utilizing tools and support, you can overcome obstacles.
When you should not forgive
While forgiveness is often healing, it is not required or always recommended. Cases when it may be wise not to forgive include:
- The offense is part of an ongoing pattern of abuse
- The relationship was severely toxic or manipulative
- The wrongdoer is unsafe or unrepentant
- Reconciliation would cause further harm
- Working towards forgiveness is extremely traumatic
In these situations, simply moving on and protecting yourself without extending forgiveness may be healthiest. You still deserve peace of mind. Distance and establishing boundaries can aid healing.
Forgiveness is empowering but not obligatory
Ultimately, the choice to forgive belongs to the harmed person alone. No one has the right to dictate another person’s forgiveness journey. Do not let external pressure override your own timing and needs.
That said, committing to work towards forgiveness, when safe and appropriate, can be a courageous act of reclaiming your personal power.
Conclusion
Forgiveness comes in many forms. Excusing releases someone from consequences for minor harms. Forgiving involves letting go of bitterness while seeing the wrongdoer’s humanity. Reconciling rebuilds trust after amends. Meditation, therapy and self-care can help facilitate forgiveness. While challenging, practicing forgiveness in appropriate circumstances allows us to clear away emotional baggage and move forward in a spirit of compassion and wisdom.