Narcissists are known for their grandiose sense of self-importance and lack of empathy. However, behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism. At the core, narcissists suffer from a deep sense of unworthiness that they desperately try to overcome by seeking constant validation and admiration from others. Here are some of the key things that narcissists are insecure about:
Appearance
Despite their inflated confidence, narcissists have fragile egos highly dependent on external validation. They are obsessed with appearance and invest a lot of time and energy into looking perfect. Even minor flaws or signs of aging can be devastating for them. Narcissists require continuous admiration for their looks to feel good about themselves. Any perceived imperfections or criticism of their appearance threatens their fragile self-esteem.
Intelligence and Talent
Narcissists crave being seen as brilliant, talented, and superior. They often exaggerate their intellectual abilities and accomplishments. Criticism or outperformance threatens their grandiose self-image. Even constructive criticism or feedback is viewed as an attack and rejected. Narcissists surround themselves with people who inflate their egos and treat their ideas and talents with awe. Having their expertise or authority questioned can be enormously upsetting as it risks puncturing their inflated self-concept.
Status and Recognition
Being well-known, admired, and respected is essential for narcissists. They feel important and valued only when they have an audience to admire them. Narcissists seek positions and relationships that provide them with prestige, fame, and public recognition. Losing their high-ranking job, social status, or access to exclusive groups is devastating as it takes away external sources of self-esteem. Without status and recognition, narcissists feel empty, worthless, and powerless.
Perfectionism
Narcissists hold themselves to impossibly high standards and see themselves as utterly perfect. Making mistakes, failing, or being less than the best at something threatens their flawless self-image. They go to great lengths to maintain a façade of effortless perfection. Criticism of their performance or abilities is incredibly painful for narcissists as they cannot tolerate evidence of imperfection or failure.
Power and Control
Narcissists have a compulsive need to impose their will and control others. This relates to an inner insecurity about being unable to take care of themselves. They mask feelings of powerlessness with domineering behaviors. Losing positions of authority or being unable to influence and manipulate others leaves them feeling weak, helpless, and vulnerable. Narcissists’ push to exercise excessive power over others reflects an external locus of control that protects a fragile inner self.
Being Alone
Narcissists cannot stand being alone with themselves for extended periods. Their grandiosity and arrogance masks emptiness inside and lack of sense of self. Time alone threatens narcissists’ ability to regulate their fragile self-esteem as it removes opportunities for admiration and validation from others. Moments without distraction or company can trigger feelings of meaninglessness and invalidation. Narcissists will quickly seek to fill these gaps with new sources of attention and control.
Getting Old
Aging represents a frightening loss of power, status, and control for narcissists. Their sense of superiority relies heavily on being strong, beautiful, and competent. Declining strength, looks, and abilities that come with aging threaten narcissists’ elevated self-image. Time invariably leads to increasing irrelevance and loss of dominance over others. The prospect of being elderly – weak, ugly, and dependent – is terrifying for narcissists as it represents a complete loss of their source of self-esteem.
Death
The inevitability of death and time passing is particularly painful for narcissists to contemplate. Their constant seeking of validation and status is an attempt to leave their mark and be remembered. However, no amount of accomplishments, trophies, or accolades can ultimately overcome mortality. Being confronted with the reality that they will eventually die like everyone else and likely be forgotten with time is agonizing for narcissists. It provokes primal existential fears about the meaning, purpose, and validity of their lives.
Conclusion
In summary, despite presenting an image of extreme confidence, narcissists suffer from profound inner insecurities related to appearance, intelligence, status, perfectionism, power, being alone, aging, and mortality. Their exaggerated self-image belies a fragile self-esteem and deep fears of being inadequate, ordinary, dependent, and insignificant. Narcissists’ constant demands for validation and attention are attempts to overcome these insecurities, however, their efforts inevitably fall short. Recognizing the deep wells of insecurity that drive narcissists provides insight into their behavior and a path toward compassion.