Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where the abuser manipulates situations to make the victim question their own reality, memory or perceptions. Gaslighters attack the victim’s sense of self in order to gain more control. Parents who gaslight their children may use certain phrases and manipulation tactics. Recognizing these gaslighting tactics can help identify and address this harmful behavior.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a manipulative technique aimed at making the victim doubt their own perceptions, memories, or judgment. The term originated from the 1944 film “Gaslight” where a husband tries to make his wife believe she is losing her mind. Today, gaslighting describes the abusive behavior of manipulating someone into questioning their version of reality.
Gaslighting works by the abuser denying facts, events or things they have said or done. The gaslighter may lie, spread misinformation, minimize, or withhold key details. This causes the victim to distrust their memory and start relying on the gaslighter’s version of events. The gaslighter uses persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction and lying to destabilize the victim.
Over time, repetitive gaslighting can lead the victim to become confused, anxious, depressed and dependent on the gaslighter. The victim may apologize and change their behavior to please the manipulative person. Gaslighting essentially robs the victim of their sense of self-confidence and perception of reality.
Why do parents gaslight their children?
There are several reasons why a parent may gaslight their child:
- To maintain control – Gaslighting establishes the parent as the one who defines reality for the child. This creates a power dynamic where the parent maintains control.
- Lack of accountability – Gaslighting allows the parent to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. By denying or minimizing their behavior, they avoid accountability.
- narcissism – Narcissistic parents want to protect their self-image so they manipulate perceptions to avoid being seen negatively.
- Habit or Cycle of Abuse – A parent who grew up being gaslit may continue the toxic pattern with their own children. Gaslighting becomes an inherited abusive behavior.
- Self-validation – Creating self-doubt in the victim validates the gaslighter’s own perception of reality and reinforces their worldview.
Regardless of the reason, gaslighting causes extensive emotional damage as children are made to feel crazy, unloved, unimportant and insecure. Recognizing gaslighting behavior is the first step to ending this distortion of reality.
Examples of Gaslighting Phrases Parents Use
Gaslighters employ different manipulation tactics and phrases designed to distort reality. Here are some common gaslighting phrases used by parents:
“You’re too sensitive”
Telling a child they are too sensitive when they show normal emotions or object to mistreatment is classic gaslighting. It implies the child’s feelings are irrational or an overreaction. This phrase dismisses the child’s emotions and perceptions as invalid.
“You’re imagining things”
When a child confronts a parent about something the parent denies or claims the child imagined it, that is gaslighting. It implies the child cannot trust their own memory or perception of events.
“You’re crazy/losing your mind”
Directly calling a child crazy or telling them they are losing their mind for expressing themselves is abusive gaslighting. It aims to make the child question their own sanity.
“You have a bad memory”
Telling a child they have a poor memory when they recall unflattering events minimizes the parent’s behavior and overwrite’s the child’s recollections. It trains children to doubt their own memories.
“I never said that”
When a parent claims they never made statements or remarks that a child clearly remembers, it invalidates the child’s memory and perception. Repeated denial of factual events destabilizes the child’s sense of reality.
“You’re ungrateful”
When a child expresses valid complaints about how they are treated, gaslighting parents may accuse them of being unappreciative. This distracts from the real issue and makes the child feel guilty for speaking up.
“It wasn’t that bad”
Minimizing abusive or harmful behavior by claiming it wasn’t serious teaches children to doubt the validity of their own feelings. Telling a child their experience and emotions are invalid or exaggerated is gaslighting.
“You have it so much better than I did”
Playing the victim and guilt tripping children by comparing their experience to your own is manipulation. It deflects attention from the child’s complaints and makes them feel undeserving of fair treatment.
“I’m doing this for your own good”
Justifying controlling, abusive or unreasonable behavior by claiming it is in the child’s best interest is gaslighting. It teaches children to comply with mistreatment by framing it as being for their benefit rather than the parent’s.
“Nobody will believe you”
Telling a child that nobody will believe them if they reveal the parent’s actions or words is intentional gaslighting. It makes the child distrust their own experience and feel that seeking support or validation is hopeless.
“You have anger issues”
Accusing a child of being inherently angry or having mental health issues for having normal emotions is gaslighting. It labels the child as having a flaw rather than addressing the parent’s inappropriate behavior.
Gaslighting Examples with Parents
Beyond specific phrases, parents can use other gaslighting techniques to distort reality for a child:
- Denying abuse: When a child says the parent has done something hurtful, the parent insists it never happened.
- Lying and deceit: The parent routinely lies to the child and expects the child to accept the false narratives.
- Undermining: The parent criticizes the child’s goals, interests, or perceptions as silly, stupid or irrational.
- Sowing self-doubt: The parent makes vague statements that leave the child constantly second-guessing themselves such as “you know that’s not how it happened.”
- Projecting blame: Anytime there is a problem, the parent blames the child rather than take responsibility.
- Twisting facts: When confronted, the parent reshapes events with false or exaggerated information to confuse the child.
- Scapegoating: The parent turns family members against the child by blaming them for problems and making them seem mentally unsound.
These examples demonstrate how a toxic parent distorts the facts and sows seeds of self-doubt to gain control. The cumulative effects of consistent gaslighting cannot be underestimated.
Effects of Gaslighting on Children
Being continually gaslit by a parent can seriously impact a child’s physical, emotional and psychological health and development. Effects may include:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Low self-esteem
- Feelings of worthlessness
- Self-isolation
- PTSD – post-traumatic stress disorder
- Constant self-doubt and second-guessing
- Difficulty making decisions
- Anger issues
- Problems forming healthy relationships
- Seeking approval from abusive people
- Self-harming behaviors
These severe effects underline why gaslighting is so detrimental to a child’s short and long-term health. The persistent distortion of reality during childhood can warp a person’s self-concept for life.
How to Respond to Gaslighting as a Child
So how should a child respond in the moment when a parent is gaslighting them? Here are some tips:
- Don’t fight it in the moment – Arguing often escalates the situation. Remain calm and collect your thoughts.
- Journal – Document your experience so you have a record of events as they happened before self-doubt sets in.
- Fact check – Verify facts, dates and sources of information for clarity even if you don’t confront the gaslighter.
- Ask someone else – Talk to a trusted friend or family member to check that your perceptions match reality.
- Seek counseling – Talking to a school counselor, therapist or other mental health professional can help you process the abuse.
- Limit interactions – Reduce contact and conversations with the gaslighting parent to protect your mental health.
The most important takeaway is to trust yourself. Document facts, lean on your support system and do not buy into the false narrative the gaslighter is trying to create. Your feelings, memories and perceptions are valid.
How to Stop Gaslighting as a Parent
For parents engaging in gaslighting behaviors, here are some tips to stop:
- Acknowledge it: Admit you are gaslighting your child and see the damage it causes.
- Take responsibility: Own your behaviors instead of denying or minimizing your actions.
- Apologize: Let your child know you are sorry for distorting the truth and invalidating their reality.
- Correct your language: Stop using phrases that dismiss, lie or project blame onto your child.
- Seek counseling: Enlist the help of a therapist to identify the source of this abusive behavior and how to develop new parenting habits.
- Have accountability: Ask your child to point out when you resort back to gaslighting so you remain conscious of it.
- Be consistent: It takes time and effort to break this damaging pattern. Commit to actively stopping gaslighting every single day.
With awareness and commitment, a gaslighting parent can adopt healthier communication and behaviors. But it requires accepting responsibility and wanting real change.
Conclusion
Gaslighting can profoundly damage a child’s self-esteem, identity and trust in their own judgments. Common gaslighting phrases like “you’re too sensitive” deny a child’s reality and make them feel unstable and insecure. Ongoing gaslighting causes mental health issues that can last a lifetime if not addressed. The path forward is recognizing gaslighting tactics, minimizing exposure to gaslighters and seeking external support. For parents employing gaslighting due to their own traumas or tendencies, it is possible to identify these behaviors and implement healthier interactions. With vigilance and proper help, both child and adult victims of gaslighting as well as gaslighting parents can heal and build more secure perceptions of reality.