The question of whether a woman should let a man chase her or make the first move herself has been debated for ages. Some traditional dating advice says women should play hard to get and let the man pursue her. But in today’s modern dating world, what’s the best strategy? There are reasonable arguments on both sides. Here’s an in-depth look at the pros and cons so you can decide for yourself what approach is right for you.
The case for making him chase you
Here are some potential benefits of sitting back and letting the man initiate pursuit:
Lets him show interest and commitment
If a man is really interested in you, he should be willing to put in effort to win you over. Letting him plan dates, initiate contact, and work to impress you weeds out men who aren’t genuinely interested. Men enjoy the thrill of the chase. If you’re always the one reaching out first, you may start to wonder how he really feels.
Prevents you from appearing “too easy” or needy
Some dating experts caution that being too aggressive as a woman can make you seem desperate. Men may lose interest if you drop everything to go out with them or always initiate contact first. By letting him chase you, you present more of a challenge and preserve your perceived value. He’ll wonder why you’re not giving in so easily and try harder.
Gives you a chance to properly vet him
When a man is pursuing you, it gives you plenty of time to assess his character, values and intentions before getting attached. You can notice red flags and warning signs that may not be obvious if you dive in too fast. Letting him chase you helps guard your emotions.
Forces him to value you more
People tend to value things more when they have to work hard for them. Making a man chase could strengthen his feelings for you once he wins you over. He’ll look back fondly on the exciting chase period. If you make it too easy on him, he may not appreciate you as much.
Reasons to take the initiative yourself
However, here are some potential perks of being more proactive:
Shows confidence and courage
Taking the lead and asking a man out yourself shows courage and confidence. These are attractive traits. Passively waiting around for him to approach you can signal insecurity. Men respect women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to go for it.
Allows you to choose who you date
Rather than waiting and hoping the right guy notices you, approaching men yourself gives you control over your dating options. Outgoing confident men likely won’t have an issue with you making the first move. It’s an efficient way to be proactive about your love life.
Could strengthen the relationship
Some research shows that relationships initiated by women are more likely to lead to marriage and last long-term. When you choose a partner yourself, you likely have better intuition about compatibility than if you just sit back and evaluate male suitors. Being proactive shows you’re serious.
Saves you time
Waiting for a guy to initiate can drag out the process unnecessarily. You might wait for weeks for a guy you like to approach you. Being direct from the start saves time figuring out if you have mutual interest. You won’t have to decode signs to see if he’s into you.
Weeds out shy or insecure men
Many decent guys tend to be shy or insecure about approaching women. If you only wait to be approached, you could miss out on great potential partners. Intimidated men may want a relationship but fear taking the lead. Approaching first helps give shy men a nudge.
The case for a balanced approach
Rather than viewing it as an either/or choice, the most realistic solution for many women is meeting a man halfway with a balanced approach:
Show interest, but don’t chase endlessly
You can make your interest clear in subtle ways, like smiling, incidental touches, and inviting conversation. But don’t chase him relentlessly if interest isn’t reciprocated. Gauge if he’s willing to initiate too.
Initiate sometimes, but let him lead too
An effective strategy is to initiate sometimes, like suggesting the first date, but then sit back and let him plan the next few dates. Alternate pursuing so neither side feels overwhelmed or under-appreciated.
Use reciprocal escalation
Match his level of effort and enthusiasm. If he calls you, call him back. If he asks you out for Friday night, accept the date. Adapt to his pace while staying true to your needs.
Communicate your dating style
If you prefer to be pursued, say so early on. Or if you prefer taking the lead, mention that. Managing expectations prevents confusion. State what approach makes you comfortable.
Stay alert to red flags
Regardless of who initiates, stay alert for warning signs like lack of follow-through, mixed signals, hot/cold behavior or disrespect. Don’t justify bad behavior just because you like someone.
Should you let a shy guy chase you?
Many women wonder if they should take the initiative if they like a shy man. Here are some tips for navigating this situation:
Approach him warmly and make conversation
Shy guys may want to talk to you but feel intimidated. Warmly approach him yourself and maintain friendly conversation to help put him at ease. Give him an opening.
Compliment him
Shy men often have low self-esteem. An unexpected compliment makes him feel seen and builds confidence to approach you. Say something nice about his shirt or smile.
Ask open-ended questions
Asking him broad questions about hobbies, music, movies etc. gets him talking so you can learn about his interests. He’ll feel more comfortable opening up.
Suggest a group or double date
Propose a casual group activity or double date to take the pressure off at first. Once he realizes you’re interested, it may be easier for him to ask you out solo.
Flirt subtly
Break the touch barrier briefly or playfully tease him. Subtle flirting conveys your interest without being overbearing.
Give him space then reconnect
After showing clear interest, pull back a little so he has time to work up his courage. Then reconnect after a week or two – he may finally ask you out!
Consider making the first move
If you still sense hesitation, ask him out yourself in a low-pressure way, like coffee. Shy men may need you to get the ball rolling.
How long should you wait for him to chase you?
This depends on the stage of dating:
Early courtship phase
Give a man 1-3 weeks to initiate first contact and plan the first few dates. But if there are no moves after 3 weeks, move on. He may just be wasting your time.
After a few dates
Once you’ve gone on a few dates, you should be able to tell if mutual interest exists. Let him plan the next 1-2 dates. If he doesn’t follow through, have a frank conversation about where this is going.
Exclusive relationship
At this stage, interest should be obvious. Both parties can initiate dates equally. If you’re always the one planning dates, address it or detach from the relationship.
Meeting the first time
If you met online, let the man be the first to suggest meeting up offline after a week or two of messaging. If he drags his feet, politely ask to meet. But don’t get strung along endlessly.
After a breakup
If he ended things, don’t wait around hoping he’ll rekindle the relationship. Assume it’s truly over unless he proactively pursues you again. Even if he does, proceed cautiously.
After an argument
Give a couple days for hot heads to cool down, but don’t wait longer than a week for him to reach out and address the issue. Be the first to extend an olive branch if needed.
How to chase a guy without looking desperate
If you do prefer taking the active role, here are some tips to avoid seeming needy:
Suggest a date but don’t insist
Float the idea of dinner or an activity but don’t press him to accept a specific day/time if he seems unsure. Give him breathing room to follow up when ready.
Play it cool after the first few dates
Avoid constant texts and calls in the beginning. Leave some gaps between dates and let him initiate sometimes too.
Don’t always be available
Decline some invitations due to other plans with friends or work. Keep your schedule full besides time with him so you appear active and in demand.
Don’t chase indefinitely
If you’re always initiating with little reciprocation, pull back. It’s OK to pursue a man, but he should ultimately show mutual interest rather than just going along passively.
Communicate at a medium pace
Reply to his texts/calls within a few hours. Getting back immediately can look overeager. But leave too long of a gap and he’ll think you lost interest.
Give him space between dates
Aim for setting dates once a week or so at first. Being available to meet him every day can be perceived as needy.
Don’t get intense too quickly
Avoid waxing poetic about your future together or delving into very personal topics on early dates. Keep things light while you’re getting to know each other.
Signs he’s just stringing you along
While a healthy chase is exciting, some dishonest men will string women along with no real intention to commit. Watch for these signs:
– Only reaches out late at night
– Cancels dates last minute
– Says he’s “too busy” but keeps rescheduling
– Rarely initiates contact
– All talk and no action
– Refuses to define the relationship
– Hot and cold behavior
– Doesn’t integrate you into his life
If you see these patterns, don’t let yourself get strung along indefinitely. Clarify your expectations and be ready to walk away if he continues to waste your time.
Conclusion
Should you let a man chase you, or take the lead yourself? There’s no one “right” approach. Both can be effective depending on your personalities and the situation. The healthiest relationships tend to use a balanced strategy where interest and effort are reciprocated over time. But it is wise to let a man initially pursue you a bit to prove his interest is real before getting overly invested. If you prefer a more passive role, stick to your guns but beware of men just stringing you along. And if you prefer pursuing men yourself, go for it confidently while avoiding desperation. Pay attention to cues to gauge if interest is mutual and move on from any man who doesn’t appreciate your initiative. With the right balance of patience, enthusiasm and communication, you can have an exciting and fulfilling dating life.