Romantic love is often portrayed in movies, books, and music as an overwhelming, euphoric feeling. When you’re in the throes of romantic love, you can’t stop thinking about the other person, you want to be with them all the time, and you may even feel like you can’t live without them. But is this feeling truly love?
What is romantic love?
Romantic love refers to feelings of attraction and desire for a specific person. It involves thoughts of the other person dominating your mind, an intense longing to be with them, and a powerful drive for physical and emotional intimacy. Romantic love is characterized by euphoria when things are going well and mood swings when they are going poorly. It also involves possessiveness and obsessiveness regarding the love object.
Some key characteristics of romantic love include:
- Idealizing the other person and placing them on a pedestal
- Feeling as though you “need” the other person
- Feeling emotionally dependent on them
- Experiencing intense jealousy when there is a threat to the relationship
- Having frequent thoughts about them and a preoccupation with the relationship
- Engaging in intimate self-disclosure and sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings
Romantic love is generally most intense at the beginning of a relationship, during what is known as the “honeymoon phase.” It tends to diminish somewhat over time as the intense newness wears off.
What is real love?
Real love goes much deeper than romantic love. Real love is about genuinely caring for the other person and their well-being. The focus is on “you” rather than “me.” Key characteristics of real love include:
- Accepting the other person for who they are, flaws and all
- Supporting the other person in being their best self
- Respecting each other’s individuality and independence
- Communicating openly, honestly and respectfully
- Showing love through actions, not just words
- Remaining loyal, faithful and committed to the relationship
- Making compromises and sacrifices for the good of the partnership
- Experiencing joy in the other person’s happiness and accomplishments
- Supporting each other through the ups and downs of life
Real love tends to deepen gradually over time as intimacy and understanding grow. Unlike romantic love, real love is stable and not as vulnerable to the whims of emotion or circumstance.
How is romantic love different from real love?
There are some key differences between romantic love and real love:
| Romantic Love | Real Love |
|---|---|
| Focused on attraction and desire | Focused on intimacy and commitment |
| Emotional highs and lows | Stable, positive feelings |
| Idealization of partner | Seeing partner realistically |
| Intense jealousy | Trust |
| Possessiveness | Respect for independence |
| Insecurity | Confidence in partnership |
| Neediness | Healthy interdependence |
As this comparison shows, romantic love tends to be based on fantasy and infatuation rather than a realistic, intimate knowledge of the other person. It is characterized by insecurity and needing constant reassurance, rather than the mutual trust and support that enables real love to flourish.
Can romantic love turn into real love?
In some cases, romantic love can evolve into real, lasting love. But this requires romantic feelings to deepen into genuine intimacy and commitment. Both people must be willing to move beyond the fantasy and see each other realistically – flaws and all. They must also be prepared to put real work into the relationship once passionate feelings subside.
For romantic love to turn into real love, a couple must:
- Invest time and energy getting to know one another on a deeper level
- Share feelings, hopes and dreams openly and honestly
- Support each other’s personal growth and aspirations
- Work through conflicts in a constructive manner
- Compromise when necessary without resentment
- Remain faithful, committed and loyal to each other
- Accept each other’s imperfections and treat each other with compassion
- Maintain intimacy through ongoing closeness and good communication
This process requires maturity, self-awareness and a willingness to focus on “we’ rather than “me.” It is not easy, which is why many relationships based initially on romantic attraction fail to make the transition to real love.
Is romantic love a good foundation for a long-term relationship?
Basing a long-term relationship solely on romantic love is not a good idea, for several reasons:
- Romantic feelings are temporary – they will fade with time, no matter how strong they seem initially.
- Romantic love is based on fantasy and idealization, not reality.
- The emotional highs and lows of romantic love are difficult to sustain long-term.
- The obsessiveness and extreme jealousy of romantic love can undermine a healthy relationship.
- Romantic love often involves looking to your partner for self-esteem and completion.
A relationship built only on romantic attraction is unlikely to stand the test of time. Once the initial passion and excitement fade, the flaws in the foundation become apparent. For a relationship to endure, romantic feelings must develop into deeper intimacy, commitment and real love.
Building a relationship on real love
While romantic feelings may spark an initial connection, real love is what sustains long-term relationships through all of life’s ups and downs. To build a relationship on real love:
- Take the time to get to know each other’s true self before rushing into commitment.
- Discuss your core values and life goals to ensure you’re compatible.
- Maintain outside interests and friendships to avoid unhealthy dependence.
- Keep communicating openly even when feelings fade or problems arise.
- Show love through concrete actions – be there for each other.
- Remain loyal and committed even in challenging times.
Basing a relationship on real love requires patience, work and sacrifice. But it offers rewards that a romance based solely on intense feelings can rarely provide – stable happiness, security and a loving partnership that endures.
Conclusion
Romantic love and real love overlap in some ways, but are fundamentally very different. Romantic love relies on fantasy, obsession and instability, while real love is grounded in commitment, intimacy and compatibility. While romantic feelings may ignite a relationship’s start, real love is necessary for that relationship to go the distance. With maturity and conscious effort, romantic love can sometimes grow into real and lasting love.