When starting a new relationship, it can be difficult to tell if your partner’s affection and attention is a genuine sign of their feelings or if it is love bombing – the practice of overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction in order to emotionally manipulate or control them. Here are some tips for identifying genuine love versus unhealthy love bombing behaviors.
What is love bombing?
Love bombing refers to excessive displays of affection early on in a relationship in an attempt to influence and control the recipient. It often involves:
- Constant flattery, praise, and compliments
- Grand romantic gestures and lavish gifts
- Proclamations of love very early in the relationship
- Talks of destiny or fate bringing you together
- Idealization – putting you on a pedestal
- Love bombing via texts, calls, emails constantly
- Wanting constant contact, contact gets anxious when apart
The goal of love bombing is to accelerate intimacy in a relationship before true intimacy has had time to form. This creates an unhealthy relationship dynamic and emotional dependency. Once emotional dependency is established, abusive and controlling behaviors may emerge.
Why do people love bomb?
There are a few common motivations behind love bombing:
- Narcissism – Love bombing provides narcissistic supply and boosts their ego. Your love and admiration is like a drug.
- Control – Love bombing creates an emotional dependency so the recipient becomes reliant on the love bomber.
- Hide abusive tendencies – An abuser may bombard with affection to mask their controlling and aggressive behaviors.
- Vulnerability – Love bombers often seek out victims who are lonely, recently divorced, grieving a loss, or have low self-esteem.
Signs it may be love bombing
Here are some red flags that indicate love bombing rather than genuine interest:
- It seems too good to be true – no relationship is perfect.
- Your gut instinct tells you something is off.
- They do not respect your boundaries.
- Their affection seems exaggerated relative to the length of the relationship.
- They are pressuring you to make a commitment.
- You feel overwhelmed, smothered, or anxious from the intensity.
- They get easily upset if you do not reciprocate immediately.
- You are flattered, but also feel confused by their intensity.
- It’s one-sided – all take, little give.
How to spot genuine interest
Genuine interest develops naturally at a comfortable pace for both people. Signs of real connection and care include:
- Mutual sharing and vulnerability
- Asking questions about your feelings and making you feel heard
- Wanting to get to know the real you – good and bad
- Respect for your needs, boundaries, and discomforts
- Patience while attraction builds, without pressure
- Encouragement for your personal growth and interests
- Support and understanding when you have a problem
- Speaking about a shared future together, not destiny
- More focused on emotional intimacy than physical/sexual intimacy
Should you confront them?
If you suspect someone is love bombing you, it’s best not to confront them directly as this can provoke an angry response. You can either:
- Slow things down – Don’t reciprocate their intensity, set boundaries, and see if they respect them.
- Make a gradual exit – Scale back contact slowly rather than cutting them off abruptly.
- Get support – Talk to friends and family to get perspective.
Your safety comes first. Listen to your intuition – if someone is making you feel unsafe, anxious, drained or controlled, move on.
How to recover from love bombing
If you’ve been the target of love bombing, here are some tips to heal and avoid it in the future:
- Cut contact – Remove them from your social media, block their number, focus on your inner circle.
- Process the red flags – What signs did you miss or rationalize away? Learn for next time.
- Rebuild your self-confidence – Remind yourself of your self-worth and strengths.
- Watch for trauma bonds – Intense manipulation can form trauma bonds – work to detach.
- Pay attention to new relationships – Note any flags and don’t ignore your intuition.
- Seek support – Friends, family, therapy groups can all help give perspective.
In summary…
It’s not always easy to discern between genuine affection and love bombing when starting a relationship. Go slowly, pay attention to any red flags, listen to your intuition. If it seems too good to be true or happened too fast, it likely is. Don’t ignore uncomfortable gut feelings – your safety comes first. Seek support if you have concerns.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are some subtle signs of love bombing?
Subtle signs of love bombing include:
- Early discussions about marriage or moving in together
- Pushing to become exclusive very quickly
- Excessive praise and flattery
- Wanting constant contact and becomes anxious when apart
- Says things like “I’ve been waiting for you” early on
What should you not do if you think someone is love bombing?
If you suspect love bombing, you should not:
- Allow them to isolate you from friends and family
- Disclose too much personal information or secrets
- Accept lavish gifts that make you uncomfortable
- Agree to major commitments like moving in or marriage
- Confront them in an aggressive way as it can provoke them
What causes someone to love bomb?
Common causes for love bombing behavior include:
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- Sociopathic tendencies like lack of empathy
- Insecurity and need for external validation
- History of abandonment or unstable childhood attachments
- Control issues and jealousy
Is there healthy love bombing?
Genuine displays of affection early on are not necessarily love bombing. The difference lies in:
- Pace – it develops naturally not intensely overnight.
- Boundaries – your feelings and space are respected.
- Reciprocation – it goes both ways.
- Intention – motivated by care not control.
Healthy love bombing is balanced and builds true intimacy.
Conclusion
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic disguised as affection. Listen to your instincts, pay attention to red flags, and refuse to ignore uncomfortable feelings. Prioritize your emotional safety first. With self-care and the right support, you can heal from love bombing and avoid it in the future.