Sleeping in separate beds or rooms is a controversial topic for many married couples. While some believe it goes against traditional expectations for married partners to sleep separately, others find it improves their quality of sleep and even strengthens their relationship. Here is an in-depth look at the pros and cons of married couples sleeping apart.
Quick Answers
Here are some quick answers to common questions about married couples sleeping separately:
- Around 25% of married couples sleep in separate beds or rooms at least some of the time.
- Top reasons for separate sleeping arrangements include avoiding disruptions from a snoring or restless partner, different sleep schedules, and preferences for room temperature or mattress firmness.
- Studies show sleeping apart can improve sleep quality and duration for many couples.
- Relationship experts are split on whether separate sleeping negatively impacts emotional intimacy and connection.
- Compromises like separate blankets on a shared bed or schedules with some nights together and some apart may help balance couples’ needs.
The Trend of Sleeping Separately
Sleeping separately was once seen as highly unusual for married couples, but recent surveys suggest the practice is growing more common. A 2012 National Sleep Foundation poll found that 25% of married couples slept in separate beds or rooms at least some of the time. Other sources cite slightly different but consistently substantial numbers:
- A 2022 study found 17% of couples always slept apart and 38% did so at least some nights.
- A 2020 study of German couples found 23% slept in separate bedrooms.
- A 2017 study found nearly 1 in 4 couples slept alone.
This data suggests sleeping separately is a routine practice for anywhere from 15-25% of married partners, though precise numbers vary between studies.
Reasons Couples Choose to Sleep Separately
Why are so many couples choosing to part ways at bedtime? There are a few key factors driving this trend:
Disrupted Sleep from a Partner
The most common reason couples give for separate sleeping arrangements is avoiding sleep disruptions from a partner. Key causes of disruption include:
- Snoring – Habitual loud snoring affects around 40% of adult men and 24% of women, disrupting their bed partner’s rest.
- Movement – Frequent turning, fidgeting, and getting in and out of bed during the night can prevent sound sleep.
- Different sleep schedules – Couples with different bedtimes or wake times often find it easier to sleep separately.
Sleeping apart can allow both partners to sleep soundly through the night without disturbances.
Preferences for Temperature, Mattress, etc
Couples often differ in their ideal sleep environment when it comes to factors like:
- Room temperature
- Mattress softness and pillow choices
- Bedding materials and weight
- Noise, light, and other ambient conditions
Rather than compromising, separate rooms allow each partner to optimize conditions for their own sleep.
Medical Conditions or Health Issues
Certain health problems like insomnia, sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, acid reflux, and chronic pain can also drive couples to sleep separately to get a better night’s rest.
Habit or Preference
For some couples, sleeping apart simply reflects personal preference. They may have grown accustomed to solo sleeping before marriage or find they sleep better and feel more relaxed alone.
Potential Benefits of Sleeping Apart
Assuming couples make intentional decisions about sleeping arrangements and communicate their needs, separate sleeping quarters can have several advantages:
Improved Sleep Quality and Duration
Numerous studies have found that sleeping apart improves sleep for many couples. For example:
- A 2022 study of German couples found that couples sleeping in separate bedrooms increased their sleep duration by around 1 hour and sleep efficiency by 6%.
- A 2017 study found women sleeping apart from partners got 20 more minutes of sleep per night on average.
- A 2007 study found couples that slept separately self-reported better sleep quality.
By avoiding disruptions and optimizing sleep environments, couples see significant improvement in their rest.
Increased Intimacy Outside the Bedroom
Some couples actually report increased emotional closeness from sleeping apart. With both partners more rested, they have more energy to devote to intimacy and connection during waking hours. The absence at night may also make the heart grow fonder.
Overall Happiness and Life Satisfaction
Better sleep is linked to benefits like improved mood, cognitive function, immune health, and mental wellbeing. So it follows that couples who sleep soundly apart may reap rewards like:
- Decreased anxiety, depression, and irritability
- Improved focus, memory, and concentration
- Reduced risk of accidents or injuries
- Better workplace performance and productivity
- Increased life satisfaction and happiness
Partnership Longevity
Lack of sleep is associated with increased conflict and impaired relationships. By preserving sleep, sleeping separately may support couples’ long-term bond. One study found couples that slept apart were less likely to divorce over a five year period.
Personal Freedom and Space
Sleeping separately also allows each partner to have their own private space and a degree of independence at night. This can be emotionally refreshing.
Potential Downsides of Separate Sleeping Quarters
Of course, choosing to sleep apart also has some potential disadvantages couples should consider:
Decreased Emotional Intimacy and Affection
The absence of physical closeness at night could negatively impact couples’ emotional connection. Touch helps release bonding hormones like oxytocin. Some marriage experts theorize that losing this nightly bonding ritual could set the stage for drifting apart.
Increased Insecurity or Suspicion
Sleeping separately could also raise suspicions over fidelity, especially if couples do not communicate their reasons well. Even when unfounded, these doubts could strain the relationship.
Feelings of Rejection or Detachment
A partner requesting to sleep apart could potentially feel hurtful or rejecting to the other spouse if not handled sensitively. Feelings of emotional distance could follow.
Less Communication and Compromise
Separate sleep spaces make it easier to avoid communicating about issues impacting shared rest, like snoring or incompatible schedules. And always sleeping independently could mean couples miss opportunities to compromise.
Increased Chore and Childcare Inequity
Sleeping apart could enable one partner to shirk nighttime caregiving responsibilities. This is especially concerning when children are very young.
Higher Divorce Rates
A 2020 study found couples who slept apart more than once per week were more likely to be headed for divorce than others. However, it’s unclear whether separate sleeping is the cause or result of relationship problems.
Expert Opinions on Whether Couples Should Sleep Apart
Relationship experts disagree about whether sleeping separately benefits or harms married couples.
Against Sleeping Apart
Some marriage counselors encourage couples not to abandon sharing a marital bed. They raise concerns like:
- Losing physical and emotional intimacy from nightly contact
- Increased potential for secrecy, infidelity, or growing disconnected
- Reduced motivation to communicate and compromise
- Normalizing detachment and separation within the marriage
In Favor of Sleeping Apart
However, other experts highlight potential advantages:
- Improving mental and physical health by optimizing sleep habits
- Retaining more energy to devote to daytime bonding
- Avoiding resentment that could brew from sleep deprivation
- Supporting marriage longevity by protecting sleep quality
Some relationship specialists believe separate sleeping arrangements can be made thoughtfully without sacrificing intimacy.
Tips for Making Sleeping Apart Work for Marriage
Certain practices may help couples who want to sleep separately do so successfully while protecting their bond:
Set Expectations and Boundaries
- Discuss preferences openly and agree on shared goals and ground rules.
- Clarify it’s about optimizing sleep, not detaching emotionally.
- Agree on scheduled times to sleep together or separately.
- Reassure each other of commitment and fidelity.
Maintain Intimacy and Affection
- Spend quality awake time together – share meals, take walks, etc.
- Incorporate daily affections – hugs, kisses, massages, hand-holding.
- Prioritize date nights and sexual intimacy.
- Use separate bedtimes to chat in bed before parting.
Communicate and Compromise
- Frequently check-in on each partner’s feelings about arrangements.
- Be open to feedback and willing to reassess as needed.
- Try sleeping apart a set number of nights per week first.
- Consider compromises like separate blankets on a shared mattress.
The Verdict: Can Sleeping Apart Benefit Marriage?
Research and opinions are mixed on whether sleeping separately helps or harms married couples’ bonds.
On one hand, sleeping apart likely improves couples’ sleep quantity, efficiency, and satisfaction. This in turn may bolster health, mood, cognitive performance, and overall wellbeing for each partner.
But on the other hand, the absence of physical closeness at night could reduce feelings of affection and connection. Separate sleeping might also enable partners to avoid compromising or communicating about issues impacting their shared sleep.
Ultimately, whether sleeping separately benefits a marriage likely comes down to each couple’s unique circumstances and approach. With thoughtful communication and commitment to daytime connection, many couples may be able to enhance their sleep and their marriage by sleeping separately. But for couples lacking strong bonds and intimacy outside the bedroom, the physical gap at night could exacerbate detachment.
Rather than universally recommending for or against sleeping apart, marriage counselors emphasize that couples must intentionally make decisions aligned with their relationship values and goals. If handled thoughtfully, sleeping separately could be the right choice to support partners’ sleep and bond, especially when challenges like snoring or health issues are present. But couples should also honestly assess potential impacts on emotional intimacy and take steps to protect their union if they choose to sleep apart.
Conclusion
The choice of whether to sleep separately is complex for many married couples. While the right decision depends on each relationship’s context, some key takeaways emerge:
- Sleeping apart is increasingly common for 25% or more of couples.
- Doing so can optimize sleep when partners disrupt each other’s rest.
- Better sleep brings health and wellbeing benefits that may strengthen marriage.
- But emotional intimacy may suffer if physical distance at night goes unchecked.
- With communication and commitment, many couples can enjoy improved sleep and connection by sleeping apart.
Rather than universally ideal or problematic, sleeping in separate quarters is an option couples can thoughtfully consider based on their unique needs and values. With some care taken to nurture closeness, it may be an arrangement that enhances both rest and relationship for many partners.