Deciding whether to stay separated or proceed with a divorce is a difficult decision for many couples. There are pros and cons to both options that need careful consideration. This article examines some of the key factors to weigh when trying to determine if staying separated or getting divorced is the better choice.
What is a separation?
A separation occurs when spouses decide to live apart while remaining legally married. There is typically no court involvement in initiating a separation, but couples may draw up a separation agreement to outline things like financial support and custody arrangements. Some key things to know about separations:
- There is no legal requirement for a specific separation period before filing for divorce.
- Many couples use separation as a trial period to see if they want to reconcile or proceed with divorce.
- In some states, living separately can impact how assets and debts are divided if divorce happens later.
- Spouses may date other people during separation without it being considered adultery.
Reasons couples separate instead of divorcing
There are a variety of reasons why spouses may initially choose separation over immediately filing for divorce:
- Trial separation: Some couples separate first to have time apart to work on themselves and evaluate their feelings about the marriage. They hope the time apart will ultimately lead to reconciliation.
- Undecided about divorce: For couples on the fence about divorce, a separation allows them space to see how they adapt to life apart before making a final decision.
- Financial limitations: The cost of divorce may lead couples to separate while they save up sufficient funds to cover expenses like attorney fees.
- Child welfare: Some parents may believe staying separated is better for minor children while the kids finish school or adjust to the changes.
- Religious/cultural views: Partners from religions or cultures that discourage divorce may choose long-term separation over officially divorcing.
Benefits of staying separated
Remaining separated can hold certain advantages over getting divorced right away. Some potential benefits include:
Leaves the door open for reconciliation
For couples holding out hope their marriage could still work, staying separated allows more time for reflection, change and potentially reconnecting. Filing for divorce typically closes the book on reconciliation.
Keeps health insurance benefits
Remaining married can allow one spouse to stay on the other’s employer-provided health insurance plan. Divorce would require different insurance arrangements to be made.
Avoids divorce costs
Separation avoids the expenses of the divorce process itself, which can tally $15,000 or more in some cases. These costs are avoided as long as the couple remains separated but married.
Provides financial security
The financial support provided during separation may be better than what a settlement through divorce would provide. Some partners may prefer separation to avoid loss of that financial security.
Gives more time to divide assets
Remaining separated while slowly dividing assets over time allows for a more gradual process as compared to the final division required in divorce.
Keeps status quo for religious/cultural reasons
Couples who feel pressure to uphold a marriage for religious or cultural reasons may find separation an acceptable compromise over divorce. It maintains the status quo while allowing more distance.
Downsides of remaining separated
While separation can hold advantages, there are also a number of drawbacks to consider:
No closure
The uncertainty of separation keeps partners from fully moving on and achieving closure after the relationship ends. Divorce provides legal finality.
Shared debts
Any debts the couple takes on during separation, like credit card balances or mortgages, typically remain shared until the marriage is dissolved through divorce.
Legal and financial risks
The informal nature of separation leaves spouses at greater legal and financial risk compared to a formal divorce agreement. Divorce judgments better outline support, assets, etc.
No protection from domestic abuse
Restraining orders and other domestic violence protections only come from divorce, not separation. Remaining married puts abused partners at ongoing risk.
Immigration complications
Non-citizens separated from a spouse who sponsored their residency may face complications. Divorce formally severs the legal/financial relationship.
Reduced ability to date
While separated people can technically date, some new partners may be hesitant to get involved without the finality that divorce provides. This can limit options.
Benefits of getting divorced
Though divorce is rarely easy, the legal dissolution of marriage does come with certain advantages:
Provides a fresh start
A divorce gives both individuals the chance to fully move forward and build a new life. Separation may prolong detachment from the relationship.
Allows remarriage
Once the divorce is finalized, the spouses are free to remarry someone new. Remaining married through separation prevents remarriage.
Sets clear financial terms
Divorce judgments legally spell out financial obligations like child support, alimony, and division of assets and debts. Separation lacks these binding agreements.
Cuts legal ties
Divorce legally severs the marital bond between spouses. Separation leaves them married, which can create confusing legal grey areas.
Provides safety from abuse
The legal intervention of divorce allows protections like restraining orders that separation alone does not. This helps abuse survivors break free.
Allows closure
Ending the marriage decisively through divorce enables spouses to grieve the relationship, process emotions, and ultimately close that chapter in life.
Questions to reflect on
If you’re trying to decide between continued separation or pursuing divorce, here are some questions to ponder:
- Are either you or your spouse hoping to reconcile and restart the marriage?
- How will remaining married impact your ability to receive closure and move forward?
- Do you have shared assets, property or debts that need a clear legal division?
- Is there any history of domestic violence or abuse within the relationship?
- Are you restricted from pursuing divorce for financial, religious or cultural reasons?
- How will remaining separated or divorcing impact important things like health insurance and child custody?
- Are you interested in marrying someone else once the relationship officially ends?
Tips for making the decision
Reflecting on key questions can help provide clarity when faced with the separation vs. divorce dilemma. Here are some additional tips:
- Consider creating a pros and cons list for both options.
- Discuss perspectives openly with your spouse to understand their reasoning.
- Talk to a marriage counselor for an outside professional opinion.
- Consult with legal and financial experts about potential implications.
- Take time to process your feelings before making a permanent choice.
- Remember there is no set timeline – you can reevaluate as circumstances evolve.
Conclusion
Separation provides needed space and time when a marriage is struggling, while divorce enables a definitive legal ending. There are valid reasons why some couples prefer to stay separated rather than divorce immediately. Others find the certainty of divorce beneficial for moving on. Taking time to reflect on your unique situation, priorities and hopes for the future can help guide you toward the right decision.
While separation vs. divorce is a very personal choice, understanding the potential pros and cons of both options helps ensure you make the most informed decision. Weighing your individual circumstances and readiness for change is crucial when determining if separation or divorce is the healthiest path forward. With open communication, advice from professionals and trust in your own judgment, have faith that you will make the choice that leads to the greatest healing and wholeness.